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Christianity Q & A

onemoretime

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A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

------

No Protestants in the Bible, after all

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"

Incidentally, the Cathars were nothing but walking altar boy jokes. They acquired many Greek habits in their cultural transfers.

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

That's a damned lie, and you know it. The Trappist would have wished for a never-ending supply of beer from his home monastery, no question.

A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

The altar boy jokes have seriously gotten old.

Perhaps. I like Louis C.K.'s take on the issue, personally. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VABSoHYQr6k (VERY NSFW, Peguy, you will likely not enjoy the video, just warning you.)
 

Qlip

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*** removed post to wrong thread ***
 

Giggly

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:pats head: Dont' feel bad. Catholics are a very discerning crowd, after all they've been hearing Catholic jokes their entire lives.

Totally. :yes:
Speaking of that, these made me laugh....

]A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"

---------
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"


From what you say I'd ask myself if he really loves God because if someone has a love for God you would think they would want to show that love towards people. Plus being a jerk and unloving towards people is exactly opposite of what God asks of believers.
I don't know, there are lots of people who claim to love God but they really don't even believe, so it's hard to really know.

Exactly. It's my #1 gripe.

You want to be a healer? Heal yourself!!!
 

Totenkindly

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Q: Why do people take potshots at Catholic priest molesters in every religion thread I go into, as some sort of novel way to express "free speech," while in reality it just comes across as boorish and as an inability to take fresh, creative approaches to religious humor?

I just don't get that. Jokes should be funny. :(

EDIT: Peg's jokes were pretty good, yay!
 
S

Sniffles

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Last one I swear. :wink:
 

Giggly

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Those darn Catholics. Always performing dubious miracles.
 

skylights

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Q: Why do people take potshots at Catholic priest molesters in every religion thread I go into, as some sort of novel way to express "free speech," while in reality it just comes across as boorish and as an inability to take fresh, creative approaches to religious humor?

I just don't get that. Jokes should be funny. :(

EDIT: Peg's jokes were pretty good, yay!

:doh:

because if you grow up in the church i grew up in, it is fucking funny, that's why. i'm not repeating someone's dumb joke i found on the internet. i was just laughing to myself about catholics and things people wonder about and that image came to mind. forgive my "boorishness", i only, ha, went to catholic school for more years than i'd prefer to think about and have been trapped in more masses than i can count, and i've met creepy priests and suck-up altar boys (and girls, actually, the stories i could tell!)

jesus christ. rest assured i'll never make the mistake of dropping another goofy, silly little jab at catholics in the philosophy threads again. :dont:
 

Giggly

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I wasn't offended by your joke, skylights.

I do find it more common for protestants to take jabs at catholics though, rather than the other way around.
 

Sanctus Iacobus

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I know a christian who was a blatant jerk towards me and as far as I can tell towards the people around him. He loves God to be sure, but doesn't seem to love people the way god commands him to love his children. He comes off as very unloving. Do you think God will let him into heaven considering this pitfall?

This person needs your forgiveness.

What do you think about Islam?

Jacob and Esau were sons of Abraham and Sarah. The birthright promised to Abraham by God was supposed to be for Esau, but Jacob seized it from him and became the father of the decendants which lead to Christ. Esau's decendants lead to Islam.

Jacob wrestled with God for a blessing and was eventually blessed and renamed Israel. We can still see resentment towards Israel from the Islamic nations in the middle east today.

Islam is one of the largest, if not the largest of what the Bible calls the principalities, governed by rulers of darkness (in other words Satan and fallen angels). Followers of Islam are encouraged to call on Christ for freedom, as is everyone.

Should I forgive the pastor for his sins just as God forgives him? Does God expect a pastor to be perfect? I hear some Christians talk about head knowledge vs. heart knowledge; so what does that mean to you? Do your references come with an official seal of approval?

Christianity is about Jesus, not His followers, but pastors, teachers, church elders, and leaders are judged more harshly by God. Everyone needs forgiveness, although depending on the mistakes a person has made, disqualification from or dismissal can be appropriate for these positions.

Head knowledge vs. heart knowledge is like information vs. experience. It's a matter of knowing Jesus personally rather than just knowing about Him. God calls us to draw near to Him in heart, and to fall in love with Him.
 

Sanctus Iacobus

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Just to get some perspective. What denomenation do you belong to? How do they feel about Catholics? What are their views on baptism? What is their view on communion?

I don't hold a denomination and I don't consider them to be Biblical. There is only 1 true church, the church of the Holy Spirit. God's sovereignty is not separated by denominations, generations or age, nationality, races, genders, etc.

Why do most people think the bible is the word of god, but then think they're allowed to ignore some silly rules that don't make sense anymore (or that seem tiresome), but not others?

The Bible is about Jesus, the laws of the Bible are about Jesus (God), and the life of Jesus fulfilled the requirements of the law so that those who believe in Jesus are free from the penalty of it. Christians inevitably follow the law by the power of God's spirit, not by personal effort, which is religion and sin in it's own respects.

Why are so many Christians intolerant of non-christians who don't follow christian rules, given that Jesus preached tolerance and humility (and getting your own house in order before you tear someone else's house down)?

The people you describe are living under the curse of the law. There are a lot of religious beliefs which are labeled Christian and it is a trap that many of us get caught in. True Christians live and breathe by the enabling of the spirit of the living God, in the reality of Jesus' risen nature, not by their own effort or religious practices.
 

Randomnity

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The Bible is about Jesus, the laws of the Bible are about Jesus (God), and the life of Jesus fulfilled the requirements of the law so that those who believe in Jesus are free from the penalty of it. Christians inevitably follow the law by the power of God's spirit, not by personal effort, which is religion and sin in it's own respects.



The people you describe are living under the curse of the law. There are a lot of religious beliefs which are labeled Christian and it is a trap that many of us get caught in. True Christians live and breathe by the enabling of the spirit of the living God, in the reality of Jesus' risen nature, not by their own effort or religious practices.

Trying to get past the religious metaphors -are you saying that anyone who follows rules laid out in the bible isn't a "real" Christian? That lowers the population.....dramatically. Why are you allowed to define what "christian" means for everyone, when the majority of self-professed christians would (arguably, I suppose) disagree with that definition?
 

tinker683

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Q: Who would win in a fist fight, Peter or Paul? I think Paul personally but that's just me.
 

Giggly

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Why are you allowed to define what "christian" means for everyone, when the majority of self-professed christians would (arguably, I suppose) disagree with that definition?

Because he is The Evangelist. Here to save us all.
 

Mole

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Being one of the three great Abrahamic religions, did Christianity start with God and Abraham?
 

Mole

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If God ordered Abraham to murder his son to test Abraham's obedience, is Christianity morally compromised from the very beginning?
 

Mole

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I do find it more common for protestants to take jabs at catholics though, rather than the other way around.

This is natural enough as it is the job of protestants to protest against catholicism.
 

miss fortune

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how are we supposed to beleive in a god who can't even follow his own religious rules? (i.e. not killing people or judging them and such)

what are your thoughts on people who use the bible as an excuse to do bad things to other people or judge them as inferior (i.e. the Inquisition, the Crusades, the polarization of the African population due to the Hammitic myth and the enslaving of native peoples... not to mention varioius genocides and such)? :huh:

what explains the difference between the Asshole god of the old testament and the Hippie god of the new testament?
 

Mole

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Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"

This is interesting from the mathematical point of view because the Dominicans invented non scalar networks almost a thousand years ago, while the mathematics of non scalar networks were only created in 1998.

Usually it is the other way around and the mathes are invented first then the application comes along in fifty or a hundred years. But the Dominicans were almost a thousand years ahead of the mathematics.

Of course the Dominicans used their discovery of non scalar networks to hunt and kill Albigensians to such an effect that they are sparse on the ground even today, as you so cogently point out.
 
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