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  1. #21
    Dreaming the life onemoretime's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peguy View Post
    A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

    Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

    "What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

    "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

    "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

    ------
    No Protestants in the Bible, after all

    Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

    The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

    "What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

    "Met any Albigensians lately?"
    Incidentally, the Cathars were nothing but walking altar boy jokes. They acquired many Greek habits in their cultural transfers.

    A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
    That's a damned lie, and you know it. The Trappist would have wished for a never-ending supply of beer from his home monastery, no question.

    A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

    An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
    No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

    The altar boy jokes have seriously gotten old.
    Perhaps. I like Louis C.K.'s take on the issue, personally. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VABSoHYQr6k (VERY NSFW, Peguy, you will likely not enjoy the video, just warning you.)

  2. #22
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    *** removed post to wrong thread ***

  3. #23
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlippoth View Post
    :pats head: Dont' feel bad. Catholics are a very discerning crowd, after all they've been hearing Catholic jokes their entire lives.
    Totally.
    Speaking of that, these made me laugh....

    Quote Originally Posted by Peguy View Post
    ]A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

    An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"

    ---------
    A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

    Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

    "What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

    "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

    "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

    Quote Originally Posted by ayoitsStepho View Post
    From what you say I'd ask myself if he really loves God because if someone has a love for God you would think they would want to show that love towards people. Plus being a jerk and unloving towards people is exactly opposite of what God asks of believers.
    I don't know, there are lots of people who claim to love God but they really don't even believe, so it's hard to really know.
    Exactly. It's my #1 gripe.

    You want to be a healer? Heal yourself!!!

  4. #24
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Q: Why do people take potshots at Catholic priest molesters in every religion thread I go into, as some sort of novel way to express "free speech," while in reality it just comes across as boorish and as an inability to take fresh, creative approaches to religious humor?

    I just don't get that. Jokes should be funny.

    EDIT: Peg's jokes were pretty good, yay!
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #25
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    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

    Last one I swear.

  6. #26
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Those darn Catholics. Always performing dubious miracles.

  7. #27
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Q: Why do people take potshots at Catholic priest molesters in every religion thread I go into, as some sort of novel way to express "free speech," while in reality it just comes across as boorish and as an inability to take fresh, creative approaches to religious humor?

    I just don't get that. Jokes should be funny.

    EDIT: Peg's jokes were pretty good, yay!


    because if you grow up in the church i grew up in, it is fucking funny, that's why. i'm not repeating someone's dumb joke i found on the internet. i was just laughing to myself about catholics and things people wonder about and that image came to mind. forgive my "boorishness", i only, ha, went to catholic school for more years than i'd prefer to think about and have been trapped in more masses than i can count, and i've met creepy priests and suck-up altar boys (and girls, actually, the stories i could tell!)

    jesus christ. rest assured i'll never make the mistake of dropping another goofy, silly little jab at catholics in the philosophy threads again.

  8. #28
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I wasn't offended by your joke, skylights.

    I do find it more common for protestants to take jabs at catholics though, rather than the other way around.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Sanctus Iacobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    I know a christian who was a blatant jerk towards me and as far as I can tell towards the people around him. He loves God to be sure, but doesn't seem to love people the way god commands him to love his children. He comes off as very unloving. Do you think God will let him into heaven considering this pitfall?
    This person needs your forgiveness.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ginkgo View Post
    What do you think about Islam?
    Jacob and Esau were sons of Abraham and Sarah. The birthright promised to Abraham by God was supposed to be for Esau, but Jacob seized it from him and became the father of the decendants which lead to Christ. Esau's decendants lead to Islam.

    Jacob wrestled with God for a blessing and was eventually blessed and renamed Israel. We can still see resentment towards Israel from the Islamic nations in the middle east today.

    Islam is one of the largest, if not the largest of what the Bible calls the principalities, governed by rulers of darkness (in other words Satan and fallen angels). Followers of Islam are encouraged to call on Christ for freedom, as is everyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd Girl View Post
    Should I forgive the pastor for his sins just as God forgives him? Does God expect a pastor to be perfect? I hear some Christians talk about head knowledge vs. heart knowledge; so what does that mean to you? Do your references come with an official seal of approval?
    Christianity is about Jesus, not His followers, but pastors, teachers, church elders, and leaders are judged more harshly by God. Everyone needs forgiveness, although depending on the mistakes a person has made, disqualification from or dismissal can be appropriate for these positions.

    Head knowledge vs. heart knowledge is like information vs. experience. It's a matter of knowing Jesus personally rather than just knowing about Him. God calls us to draw near to Him in heart, and to fall in love with Him.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Sanctus Iacobus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlippoth View Post
    Just to get some perspective. What denomenation do you belong to? How do they feel about Catholics? What are their views on baptism? What is their view on communion?
    I don't hold a denomination and I don't consider them to be Biblical. There is only 1 true church, the church of the Holy Spirit. God's sovereignty is not separated by denominations, generations or age, nationality, races, genders, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    Why do most people think the bible is the word of god, but then think they're allowed to ignore some silly rules that don't make sense anymore (or that seem tiresome), but not others?
    The Bible is about Jesus, the laws of the Bible are about Jesus (God), and the life of Jesus fulfilled the requirements of the law so that those who believe in Jesus are free from the penalty of it. Christians inevitably follow the law by the power of God's spirit, not by personal effort, which is religion and sin in it's own respects.

    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    Why are so many Christians intolerant of non-christians who don't follow christian rules, given that Jesus preached tolerance and humility (and getting your own house in order before you tear someone else's house down)?
    The people you describe are living under the curse of the law. There are a lot of religious beliefs which are labeled Christian and it is a trap that many of us get caught in. True Christians live and breathe by the enabling of the spirit of the living God, in the reality of Jesus' risen nature, not by their own effort or religious practices.

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