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Thread: Heaven and Hell Stories

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Lark's Avatar
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    Jun 2009

    Default Heaven and Hell Stories

    A thread for stories or jokes about heaven and hell.

    A story I heard today, there is a believer who is praying for a glimpse of heaven and hell, that night he is visited by an angel and the angel takes him first to hell and he sees people trying to eat but they can only do so with eight foot spoons and as a consequence are all starving with the food right there, they are tormented as a result and then he is taken up to heaven, there he finds the exact same thing, the eight food spoons but everyone is well fed and happy.

    Because they are feeding one another.

  2. #2


    Ha just this morning I was speaking with my mother who was telling me that the room I am staying in right now was haunted by my grandfather. She told me my sister would get up in the night to see him sitting in the green chair smoking a cigarette.

    After much mocking I finally told my mom that if I ever witnessed this phenomena I would whole heartedly apologize. My mother agreed and told me to wait because it was always around the holidays.

    That's when I stopped. "What?!? He didn't even come around for the holidays when he was alive! Lol"

    My mom laughed , "Maybe he has been enlightened now that he is in heaven."

    I replied, "That or for him, this is hell."

  3. #3


    That sounds like a punk concert.

  4. #4
    .~ *aĉa virino* ~. Array Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
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    Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

    "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

    "I froze to death," says the second.

    "Wow, that's awful!" says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

    "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Burns like a bitch. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and then you kind of drift off, as if you're just falling asleep. How about you, how did you die?"

    "Oh. Well, you won't believe this, but I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I just KNEW my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. Isn't that just crazy?" He started to laugh, and the second one joined in, and soon they were laughing so hard they were crying and couldn't breathe.

    Finally the gales of laughter subsided enough for the second man to gasp, "Oh, dear, that's just so ironic!"

    "Ironic? Really?" said the first man, wiping tears from his eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

    "Well...... if you had only stopped to look in the freezer," said the second man casually, "we'd both still be alive!"


    A man went to hell but was allowed to pick the room in which he had to spend eternity.

    In the first room, the damned were standing up to their knees in crap.
    "What do you think?" asked the devil.
    "Err.... what else do you have?" asked the man distastefully.

    The devil took him to the second room, where people were standing up to their chest in crap.
    "Ugh," said the man, holding his nose. "Any other options?

    In the third room, everyone was only standing up to their ankles in crap and drinking coffee.
    The man had to pinch himself to make sure he was awake (or dead, or whatever). "Is this for real?"
    "Well... yeah," said the devil.
    The man gave a relieved little laugh. "I pick this room, then."
    Now the devil looked at him oddly. "You sure?"
    "Of course I am!" said the man, looking at all the people finishing up their hot steaming cups of coffee, and strode into the room confidently.

    But as soon as he stepped in, he found himself quickly sinking in crap, up to his ankles, then his knees, then his waist, without any sign of stopping.

    Before he went completely under, there was the sound of a whistle.
    "Okay peoples!" shouted the devil. "Bottom turn's break for coffee, everyone switch places!"
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array KDude's Avatar
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    Jan 2010


    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    That sounds like a punk concert.
    Were you referring to my deleted post? Because that's funny..

  6. #6


    Lol yeah.

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