uh you can't have the spirit of God within you if you dont first believe in Jesus, and then ask for it into your life.
i remember my heart thumping really fast when I took the guts to go to church, (there were so many people, and I felt really timid. I kept looking around and seeing people jumping around and I didn't know what to do. I felt awfully stupid) when they asked for those who wanted to believe in Jesus to go forth to get prayed for.
But there was so much pride in me, the pride of myself being strong - I can stand alone in life, the pride of being a "logical and rational" person. When I was a kid my father hit me when I cried, because he said tears are a sign of weakness.
I could feel this great joy - and hence I believed. Even then, I was struggling, for one minute I felt despair, to think that perhaps this joy would be wrenched away and I would discover all was a lie, and then the other minute I would feel like there is a powerful force of goodness which nothing in the world could win.
But then I had spent a long time thinking about the world. And I could see that my father, a rich and well esteemed lawyer, was working, indeed, to pass the time. He did not know what he wanted to do when he was retired. He had not thought about it! He cut out newspaper and magazine articles of himself, and that was his life trophy. I'll help you keep those I told Dad. That, was what made him feel good about himself. That I, at least, and a few generations more, would remember him.
When I say I believe in Jesus, it means I believe in him enough to put his word into practice. But I struggle to keep my faith up all the time. When I first told friends who were not Christian I was one, I was laughed at and back then, it hurt. I went home and cried at home to God, who I blamed for not answering my prayers.
One day, I open my bible and read Psalms. And it intrigued me that King David, who had killed Goliath, wrote many songs blaming God for not helping him either! But surely his faith was much greater than mine.
Psalm 22: He wrote "But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. All who see me mock me, they hurl insults, shaking their heads. He trusts in the Lord, let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him".
And so this happened to me. My parents asked me all the time: So where's your God? When did he deliver you in your time of trouble and need? See? You have lost your housekeys. Go ask him to find it for you.
But it was holding on to my bible that changed things for me. I used to shout at my parents and quarrel with them physically. It sure was difficult, but I could remember "honour your parents" so I tried to do that. So I didn't refute.
Yet by and by, as I grew in the Lord more, I became more and more patient with people as I tried and tried to put his word into practice.
I began to understand most of the time, the motives for doing something is usually not because the person was born nasty, but because circumstances shaped them to be that way. A man does not curse and swear all the time because he wants to, but because he feels that way inside. Plus, I myself used to swear all the time I felt unhappy. How can I blame someone else for being rude.
And so learning to be patient with people also made me patient with my surroundings. So whenever something bad happens, gradually, I can actually smile, thinking "Praise the Lord, here's a problem. A chance for me to trust God to pull me out of it." God may not act quickly, but I understand that it is the process which changes and shapes me. And when you're patient with everything, nothing hassles you. You become the one happy person whistling in the car during the traffic jam.
Then there was the pride I still try to give up. I am so proud of so many things. My looks, being rich etc. "Do no fear men, who have but one breath in their nostrils". So I chose to trust in how God sees me, and in trusting in that I believe he created me, and so he would like me to excel and do great things. Even giving up little temptations about me - such as eating too much chocolate at one go, I prayed for discipline so he would aid me. Learning discipline on small things led to bigger, things.
Pride, oh pride. It began at church. I did mention in my blog that when people were getting slain in the spirit, most people were called up by God. But I climbed over an aisle of seats and RAN to the speaker. I was on TV! How very embarassing! That was how much I wanted that touch from God.
Yet there is so much strength in not fearing what anyone thinks of you. In days I feel down, I don't cry anymore. I take up guitar and sing him praise, to thank him for being there through thick and thin during all this times of testing. As time has passed, I have had more and more testimonies of God being there to aid me through difficult times. I prayed for the gift of tongues, received it, and praying in the spirit has always helped me to learn new thoughts, new wisdom to carry me through difficult circumstances.
Once, there was a crazy woman who got up and danced before speaker Chris Hill. Then she ran up to the front, and danced before stage! And then her wig began to fall on the ground! Oh no! Even funnier, she picked it up and started waving it around!
The speaker stopped the sermon and asked the lady: are you alright? The lady said: Well... I've had cancer for so long, but just now, I felt a fire in my veins, I felt God's touch and I knew that I was healed! So I got up and danced and danced! My wig fell off and I was embarassed.. but then I remembered I wouldn't be needing it anymore so I started waving it around...
I meant to speak in general about that thought, not that it has necessarily made you negative and intolerant, but that it has made others that way.
