Why are people purposely mean?

[Southern Kross]

The reasons given are pretty rational but I still don't get it. Everyone (save psychopaths and sociopaths) have a built in empathy for others as well as a conscience that guides their sense of right and wrong. How is it that these reasons (desire for power, insecurity etc) override such strong evolutionary instincts so easily?

I often wonder if others actually feel empathy (and hear the voice of their conscience) to the same extent I do, because if they do, I have NO IDEA how they ignore it.

 

[entropie]

I often wonder if others actually feel empathy (and hear the voice of their conscience) to the same extent I do, because if they do, I have NO IDEA how they ignore it.

It's not only empathy that guides you, it's your own wisdom aswell. There are people on this world to whom pain are things you'ld laugh about. And: "try pain for example" is my answer to your question.

You can neither accept reason nor empathy from this world, nor anything else. That's the challenge in meeting crazy people

 

[Thalassa]

After some time has passed I'd like to re-visit this thread and make the point that sometimes what looks "mean" isn't even "mean" but it just perceived that way.

Also sometimes I am meaner with people when I think they need to learn something and softness isn't going prompt them in any way.

I think hardness is necessary in life, even if you aren't at your core a cruel or sadistic person. Sometimes you have to wake up and smell the coffee. In the long run a "mean" person could be doing you a favor - giving you a type of strength to face things that are truly awful in the world.

 

[entropie]

After some time has passed I'd like to re-visit this thread and make the point that sometimes what looks "mean" isn't even "mean" but it just perceived that way.

Also sometimes I am meaner with people when I think they need to learn something and softness isn't going prompt them in any way.

I think hardness is necessary in life, even if you aren't at your core a cruel or sadistic person. Sometimes you have to wake up and smell the coffee. In the long run a "mean" person could be doing you a favor - giving you a type of strength to face things that are truly awful in the world.

I disagree. If you say hardness is necessary sometimes for people to learn something you are just not able to teach em in a soft way.

 

[Thalassa]

No. Some people are too soft for their own good, like it seems they can barely handle life. God forbid something truly bad happen to them, they'd flounder like a fish or have to have someone else take care of them or die in a ditch.

Being hard and resourceful are survival skills that people should have, though of course no one should have to live that way full-time, or be expected to act that way regularly.

 

[entropie]

selfish goals are the thing that made most bad people mean

 

[Amethyst]

No. Some people are too soft for their own good, like it seems they can barely handle life. God forbid something truly bad happen to them, they'd flounder like a fish or have to have someone else take care of them or die in a ditch.

Being hard and resourceful are survival skills that people should have, though of course no one should have to live that way full-time, or be expected to act that way regularly.

I agree...although some people I would say are truly...'misguided' in terms of how they treat others, thus interpreted as mean-spirited at times, it seems a number of people are just pussies.

 

[entropie]

pussies ohhkeee

 

[Amethyst]

pussies ohhkeee

Haha, perv...I meant the ones in marm's avatar.

 

[entropie]

I just really think the spelling which every young generation has once in his life like "to know life is to be hard" is wrong. I know especially f's types are high on that but then again, it's always the "told you earlier" situation. I think it's important to keep our f's naive because I know that naivete is the entry card to open-mindedness but on the same time I think that it is important aswell to learn live and that sometimes the hard way. But sticking with the hard way later on that cant be the thing. I dont want to tell my kids that they have to use their guns and not only polish them, I think there are ways more clever to achieve ones goals

 

[Thalassa]

I disagree with this totally because keeping people too soft does them a disservice (can get them chopped up/killed/taken advantage of/or even in "safer" circumstances cause them to be more dependent people rather than relying on themselves). Also, I think allowing people to be too soft ironically DECREASES their empathy for other people's suffering. If you aren't informed of how hard life actually is, you might not even have the proper context to sympathize with people who have REAL PROBLEMS because you're so wrapped up in whiny petty shit.

Trust me, Fs will still be always seem a tad naive, even with hardening up and life skills. LULZ.

 

[entropie]

I do not not understand you, I just would never phrase it that way.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Naive people can be inadvertently quite hurtful. Maybe "ignorance" is the better word, but there is a type of correlation with "naivety". I've known perfectly nice, naive people who's interpretation of others suffering is way off and that can create more suffering. They project the ease of their own life into the context of someone who has had struggles and come out with horrible judgments.

There are a lot of different ways to learn how to care about other people. Personal suffering can be used as a way to learn, but just spending time showing compassion can teach empathy. I'm too tired to go into it now, but it is a big misconception that kindness and empathy are in some way weak. Having something to give others implies that you have excess internal resources.

I tend to see meanness as a sign of weakness. People don't seem to realize how much they reveal about themselves when they are mean to others. It is like displaying on a billboard all of their own fears.

 

[Southern Kross]

After some time has passed I'd like to re-visit this thread and make the point that sometimes what looks "mean" isn't even "mean" but it just perceived that way.

Also sometimes I am meaner with people when I think they need to learn something and softness isn't going prompt them in any way.

I think hardness is necessary in life, even if you aren't at your core a cruel or sadistic person. Sometimes you have to wake up and smell the coffee. In the long run a "mean" person could be doing you a favor - giving you a type of strength to face things that are truly awful in the world.

I disagree with this totally because keeping people too soft does them a disservice (can get them chopped up/killed/taken advantage of/or even in "safer" circumstances cause them to be more dependent people rather than relying on themselves). Also, I think allowing people to be too soft ironically DECREASES their empathy for other people's suffering. If you aren't informed of how hard life actually is, you might not even have the proper context to sympathize with people who have REAL PROBLEMS because you're so wrapped up in whiny petty shit.

Trust me, Fs will still be always seem a tad naive, even with hardening up and life skills. LULZ.

Protecting people from the harsh facts of life is certainly dangerous. People do need to learn to take the knocks life gives you and to understand the real value of kindness and decency etc.

Unfortunately, too often this reasoning is used as an excuse for treating others like crap; as if they are somehow doing them a service, when they're really just being an asshole. Life is hard enough as it is, no one should intentionally make it any more difficult for another just because they can't be bothered being pleasant. If you're being cruel, at least fess up to it; don't attempt to justify it as some sort of 'secret kindness' and pretend its something other than what it really is.

 

[Sizzling Berry]

+1

For me such a claim is very tricky. It's very easy to slip while "raising" people with meanness. If that theory was true without any disclaimers abusing children would be the best way to raise them.

And why are people mean on purpose?

As a payback for some perceived harm done to them by a person they are now mean to.

Because they feel better when somebody feels low or lower than them. I have seen that a lot.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Protecting people from the harsh facts of life is certainly dangerous. People do need to learn to take the knocks life gives you and to understand the real value of kindness and decency etc.

Unfortunately, too often this reasoning is used as an excuse for treating others like crap; as if they are somehow doing them a service, when they're really just being an asshole. Life is hard enough as it is, no one should intentionally make it any more difficult for another just because they can't be bothered being pleasant. If you're being cruel, at least fess up to it; don't attempt to justify it as some sort of 'secret kindness' and pretend its something other than what it really is.

It's funny, but I can think of people who do what you describe here who also strike me as rather naive - even though they are excessively harsh. Sometimes that sort of meanness is an oversimplification of the way the world works. I agree that life is hard enough without adding arbitrary difficulties.

More than being harsh, mean, hardened, I think the best survival skills have to do with adaptability - being malleable. Perhaps the word "soft" implies an inability to bounce back, but "hard" sounds breakable enough to me. Flexibility is stronger. Bulldozing one's way through life is unnecessary and often harder than just finding a new path or better solution.

 

[Thalassa]

Protecting people from the harsh facts of life is certainly dangerous. People do need to learn to take the knocks life gives you and to understand the real value of kindness and decency etc.

Unfortunately, too often this reasoning is used as an excuse for treating others like crap; as if they are somehow doing them a service, when they're really just being an asshole. Life is hard enough as it is, no one should intentionally make it any more difficult for another just because they can't be bothered being pleasant. If you're being cruel, at least fess up to it; don't attempt to justify it as some sort of 'secret kindness' and pretend its something other than what it really is.

It depends. Sometimes people really are just being realistic, rational, or objective and that isn't "mean"...and in some cases people may even be snappy with someone because they're personally offended by how sheltered the adult they are speaking with is (notice I say adult, not child).

There's a difference between being a straight-up sadist, and just being a more realistic or even cynical person. Also, some people get annoyed by whiners when what is happening isn't really a big deal. In that case the perception of the whiner is that the annoyed person is being "mean" when in truth they're fed up with what they see as childish or weak behavior.

There's a big difference between abusing children, or being a person who intentionally delights in the pain of others, and what I'm speaking of. There are spiteful, wicked people who lack empathy or sympathy for their fellow humans...and then there are just people whose motives are different than what you may have considered.

For example, I've noticed that sometimes when people live under a great deal of stress, are hungry, or homeless they might be "mean." Mentally ill people can be "mean." Sometimes the more compassionate thing to do is to step back and ask yourself what's really going on with that person instead of labeling them as "mean."

Again, I'm in no way justifying sadism or the concept of children/teens bullying one another.

 

[ajblaise]

Q: Why are people purposely mean?
A: Because you accidentally, or even purposely asked for it.

I'll have a more Nobel-worthy post later maybe, in this thread.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

People tend to act like they see the world. Sometimes frankness is interpreted as meanness. On the other hand some people really are mean. Mean people see the world as a mean place. Either they are very competitive or they've been hurt bad enough to take it out on other people.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It depends. Sometimes people really are just being realistic, rational, or objective and that isn't "mean"...and in some cases people may even be snappy with someone because they're personally offended by how sheltered the adult they are speaking with is (notice I say adult, not child).

There's a difference between being a straight-up sadist, and just being a more realistic or even cynical person. Also, some people get annoyed by whiners when what is happening isn't really a big deal. In that case the perception of the whiner is that the annoyed person is being "mean" when in truth they're fed up with what they see as childish or weak behavior...

This seems like the sort of topic where a lot of different statements are true depending on specific contexts. I get what you're saying - that all "meanness" is not equivalent, and that there are drastically different behaviors and motivations that can get lumped together with that term. I can see a way that flexibility can address both those that are more sensitive and those who are more blunt depending on their environment. I wonder though, from enough distance what the difference is between being fed up with someone who is "too sheltered" vs. "too mean". I've encountered people who make a lot of mistakes in both directions - they judge people as mean who aren't, and they judge people as sheltered who are not. Sometimes people are considered less credible if they are nice -like they couldn't possibly have faced anything difficult or they would be harsher. There does tend to be an advantage to giving people the benefit of the doubt and waiting for a while before concluding. Assuming someone is not intending to be mean can help the dynamic. I work with some people with mental illness, and some can have fits and lose control over the slightest problems, but not responding defensively can help disarm the situation. It tends to cut down on negative feedback loops.