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  1. #71

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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    SO right! I've never considered small talk to be trivial! it's so interesting to learn about other people and thier experiences and thoughts

    I've always wondered if the people who you have to DRAG small talk out of hate me though when you have to ask someone question after question and get back yes or no answers it's kind of discouraging If it's so easly to develop, why do some people fail so miserably at it?

    *shrug* oh well, whatever, I guess my contributions to this thread are kind of irrelevant anyways since I'm a Sensor and I don't feel invisible!
    Just to put you at ease, I'm one of those people who hates and isn't any good at small talk, but I've never held it against those who try. I realize that I'm the unusual one, and I never resent people trying to talk to me. I actually appreciate it on one level. But that doesn't make me any more comfortable participating in it. So just cause you're getting yes and no answers doesn't mean that the person is annoyed with you

  2. #72
    Mamma said knock you out Mempy's Avatar
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    I know all the quick come-backs and appropriate (and inappropriate) responses for any challenge.
    Do ya? What about this challenge, you big lug-head?

    Oh, and Pink... is my me-ness ever-changing and hard to pin down? Not in a bothersome way. I would never want the waters of my soul to stagnate anyway. I think we're all ever-changing, in a sometimes painful but definitely unstoppable and essentially good, way.

    The self-worth I'm referring to is one thing I would not like to change or go away, but it does. It painfully, horribly does. I would always like to feel awesome. I'd rather feel arrogant and sure of myself than worthless, any damn day.

  3. #73
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mempy View Post
    Do ya? What about this challenge, you big lug-head?

    Oh, and Pink... is my me-ness ever-changing and hard to pin down? Not in a bothersome way. I would never want the waters of my soul to stagnate anyway. I think we're all ever-changing, in a sometimes painful but definitely unstoppable and essentially good, way.

    The self-worth I'm referring to is one thing I would not like to change or go away, but it does. It painfully, horribly does. I would always like to feel awesome. I'd rather feel arrogant and sure of myself than worthless, any damn day.

    Very well-put, Mempy. I couldn't agree more. "Worthless" is an untenable state of being.
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  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mempy View Post
    Do ya? What about this challenge, you big lug-head?
    Watch out, you Hot Young Thing. Behind the big lug-head lurks a graying wolf with plenty of bite still left in him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mempy View Post
    The self-worth I'm referring to is one thing I would not like to change or go away, but it does. It painfully, horribly does. I would always like to feel awesome. I'd rather feel arrogant and sure of myself than worthless, any damn day.

    It's just attitude. When I talk about arrogance, it's not like I go around looking down my nose at everything. Most times, I'm easygoing and supportive. But when a challenge comes up, I rise to the challenge.

    Sometimes a prop helps. If you're going on the town with your friends and you don't know what to expect, then vamp it up a little bit. Wear something a little sexier than normal and challenge yourself to maintain the attitude that goes with the look no matter what happens. It's an attitude of gamesmanship with yourself that keeps you from taking life too seriously.

    I still feel trepidation when some new challenge or event or venue or responsibility comes up. But then I remind myself that I've handled similar situations successfully many times before, and I chide myself for being a big baby and wetting myself over nothing. Again, it's just gamesmanship with myself.

    Or if I worry about making a fool of myself at some new challenge, then I remind myself that I've survived some stunning defeats and humiliations in the past, much worse than anything I face now. If I screw up and make a fool of myself, it's no big deal--I can bounce back from it. (Of course, it helps that I've made some hideously bad judgment calls in the past and suffered the consequences. )

    ******

    As for feelings of worthlessness, that will pass with time. If I remember right, you're college age? Your senior year will probably lay a lot of fears to rest. You and your crowd will be the oldest people on campus, you can screw with the heads of the underclassmen, etc. When that time comes, take advantage. If you're not otherwise involved with someone, pick up some cute sophomore or junior and make his day/month/year. Learn what it's like to be worshipped (and to be the more responsible one in a relationship). That will go a long way toward erasing feelings of worthlessness.

    There are lots of watershed events and times in life that change your attitude and outlook. The feelings of worthlessness will disappear in time. Don't worry, your best days are still ahead of you. Enjoy life and don't worry if things haven't quite fallen into place for you.

    And if you need a boost for a specific occasion, engage in a little gamesmanship with yourself. Don't take things seriously. Keep it fun, show a little attitude, and the rest will follow.

  5. #75
    Member MX5's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    Well, of course you do have to climb down out of your head and find common ground upon which to communicate.
    True, so true. IRL, the “climb down” seems like such a long way.
    But I don't see any other way to do it. If you want to connect with people around you, you have to put yourself out there at some point.
    And I’ve managed to do it from time to time, but – as you say – being consistent with it works wonders. “Practice makes perfect”
    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    Oh yes, and good comment about the usefulness of smalltalk. People think it's empty, but the opposite is true. It's a mutual confidence-building gesture, a way to skate across the surface of lots of subjects and test for points of common interest, and a way to canvass lots of people quickly for later development. In its own way, it's one of the most productive and efficient modes of communication there is. And it's not that difficult to cultivate for even the most shy Introvert. It's quite repetitive and easy once you tune in properly and study the interaction methodically. And at the same time you can personalize it for your own ends, i.e., to find people with interests matching your own.
    Smalltalk, the bane of my existence! I can typically manage one or two sentences, but after that, if the other party doesn’t pick up the ball and run…it’s all over. I’m a much better listener than talker.
    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    I've always wondered if the people who you have to DRAG small talk out of hate me though when you have to ask someone question after question and get back yes or no answers it's kind of discouraging If it's so easly to develop, why do some people fail so miserably at it?

    *shrug* oh well, whatever, I guess my contributions to this thread are kind of irrelevant anyways since I'm a Sensor and I don't feel invisible!
    First, I appreciate it any time that someone can take over and carry the conversation – I don’t hate it at all. As a matter of fact I appreciate it greatly! I’ve always been more of a “backup singer” than a “soloist”.

    Second, I don’t know about any other I’s out there, but I could use the tutelage. The things that FineLine said strike true and I’m sure that you have some tidbits of wisdom that might help.
    Quote Originally Posted by FMWarner View Post
    Just to put you at ease, I'm one of those people who hates and isn't any good at small talk, but I've never held it against those who try. I realize that I'm the unusual one, and I never resent people trying to talk to me. I actually appreciate it on one level. But that doesn't make me any more comfortable participating in it. So just cause you're getting yes and no answers doesn't mean that the person is annoyed with you
    Ditto!
    MBC - writing bad poetry, kickin' ass.

  6. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by MX5 View Post
    Second, I don't know about any other I's out there, but I could use the tutelage.
    Would there be interest in some discussion on how to do basic small talk? I wouldn't mind posting some lessons on how to get chatting with strangers. I learned it by watching others and then practiced it very deliberately, so I can post some easy, specific steps for beginners that worked for me.

    But maybe it needs a separate "Small talk for Introverts" thread in the Bonfire or Relationships forums. It might represent a tangent or a derailment here in this thread.

  7. #77
    Senior Member chippinchunk's Avatar
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    Small talk sucks. I can't even take it. It's so awkward with small talks, I can never contribute. That or I start the conversation and i'm the only one talking. :steam:

  8. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    Would there be interest in some discussion on how to do basic small talk? I wouldn't mind posting some lessons on how to get chatting with strangers. I learned it by watching others and then practiced it very deliberately, so I can post some easy, specific steps for beginners that worked for me.

    But maybe it needs a separate "Small talk for Introverts" thread in the Bonfire or Relationships forums. It might represent a tangent or a derailment here in this thread.
    I started a "Small talk for Introverts" thread in the Relationships forum and posted some info there: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ntroverts.html

  9. #79
    Member MX5's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    I started a "Small talk for Introverts" thread in the Relationships forum and posted some info there: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ntroverts.html
    Great, thanks! I'm going there now.
    MBC - writing bad poetry, kickin' ass.

  10. #80
    Senior Member FallsPioneer's Avatar
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    Yeah, I have felt very invisible at times. I didn't read the entire thread, but I figure everyone does/will at some time in their life, though some will feel it more than others.

    The time when I used to feel really invisible was because of my not accepting myself. It's fair for me to say that I'm different from most other people I know. Before I understood this, I tried really hard to find some sort of identity that existed to other people so that they would accept who I was. This is one thing that is a huge problem for a person, it's like internal collapse. I used to be really insecure and longed for validation from other people. I wasn't like this as a kid, sure, I always went off and did what I wanted and never gave it a second thought, but adolescence kicked in, and now you're not cool enough.

    I started to resent who I was. I didn't like being smart anymore when sporty was obviously better (I liked games but I wouldn't play regularly). Quiet and shy were no good. I had no posse, so that made things complicated. I sucked up to anyone I could, but the truth is that anybody can waltz up to a person and feed them a great line about how cool they are. I switched schools a bit too, mostly because I wanted to see different places. I trashed who I was so I could be liked, eventually finding a posse of clowns (everyone loves a funny guy) that I could hang around with. I did some things-nothing too big-that were totally out of my character and felt wrong. It involved being "loud" in character, because quiet people often don't get noticed. So even when I did feel visible to people I felt like shit.

    And because I switched schools often (after 6th grade, every two years) I started to become really frustrated with being new, so I would constantly crawl away by myself and bitch in my head about how mean people are, though I still wanted their attention. It was great after people got to know me I guess, but then I was frustrated because I always thought everyone else had stronger friendships than I had. Bitterly but unwittingly, I was developing this wall between "myself and them." Being shy, insecure, and..."not trusting" (?) of others really helped that wall.

    It took me forever before I figured I had to accept myself, and it started with really looking within and figuring out who I was: my qualities, my faults, things I'd like to improve on, things I do best at, etc. Acceptance didn't hit me like a train, but it happened over time. The most important part was reconciling who I was with other people-I am me, he is he, she is she, etc. Sure, she is the nicest person in the world, but she doesn't want to talk to me. Fine.

    Nowadays I'm confident, self-assured, fairly chatty (I guess...?), certainly more expressive and open, and not shy. I really had to work on the last two, and it involved being able to just go up to people and yak instead of worrying about their response or thinking too much (a problem I do have every so often.) I still don't do so good with sharing deeper, more personal things about myself, but...work in progress. I'm really happy with who I am now.

    There are itty bitty times where I'll feel invisible too but something stupid probably happened that day. I don't really care if I'm visible to other people, I feel great either way. But it turns out that nowadays I'm pretty well liked and...visible. And...it's not a bad thing...

    As for that thing on small talk, I used to be terribly bad at small talk too. Practice, practice, practice. Learning and reading only takes a person so far, and I think for people who aren't good at it it's just going to feel awkward at first, but at least you know you're getting somewhere the more you try. And that's always good. Small talk gets a bum rap sometimes but you do learn about people a lot through it, usually the things that make them "them" like their interests and how they feel about things (it doesn't always have to be some crazy-deep philosophical talk.)
    Still using a needle to break apart a grain of sand.

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