ENTJ Religious Crusader Advice!

[nynesneg]

I need your advice.

How can you help an ENTJ mellow their crusade which they've been championing for several years? Especially help them to be aware and understand why not to pressure other people into their black and white view... This ENTJ usually has some kind of political topic they are passionate about, but this time as religion it affects everyone.

Case in point:
My parents have always been religious, but dad completely changed his religion 3ish years ago. Since then he's been on a continual quest to convince the world (and his family) everything that's wrong with the religion we grew up with. WE DON'T CARE! It's gotten better after several years, partially because we've told him we aren't interested in debating (incorrect generalizations of that church) with him. But still crusading after 3-4 years? Who cares about shooting holes in the previous religion. I'm sorry your parents made you feel controlled and legalistic. But can't we move on?

My other greater concern is my INFP(?) mom. She hates confrontation, but as a result of this judgemental view of right and wrong, she hasn't been able to see at all her friends of 17 years from the other church. Oldest sister and I are concerned about her wellbeing, since these are really the only friends she has to talk to as a stay-at-home mom. I think dad feels a particular need to have mom on his b/w side of the view because she is spouse and lives with him...


So my question is, what is the most non-controversial way to help him realize he needs to let her go and make her decisions?


We already:
- explained to him we feel pressured from him to be his new religion, and don't appreciate that. He has cut back alot, but still views everybody else as wrong.

Don't mean to be negative, my dad is a wonderful person in other ways. Just that irresistible Fe of mine trying to look out for everybody.

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More details:
I talked to mom recently, she said she hadn't been able to go in a year (used to go every weekend), and when she did go, dad grilled her on every detail of the sermon. He felt betrayed that she went to church A instead of supporting church B and that she was "damned". He thinks she should make new friends at church B and any association with friends from church A is supporting that religion. (Even a mid-week prayer meeting.) Of course INFP mom doesn't care about theology, she just misses her friends. She told me she doesn't have anything in common with the people at church B, because they have such a different lifestyle. But she sounded almost unwilling to explain to dad her needs because it would result in a religious debate and conflict. *sigh*

She can push her own needs out of the way for fear of crossing his strong will and making him all upset, but that isn't healthy. (She recently stood up for her beliefs and he became very upset. Couple days later he came to her worried about high blood pressure from the stress of their conversation.)

 

[nynesneg]

Could somebody please move this thread to the NT forum? Please? Danka!

 

[Amargith]

Someone who isn't afraid of him needs to tell him calmly that if he keeps pushing her like that, he'll push her right out the door. Someone should also tell him that just because people have a different religion, they aren't necessarily evil. Someone should tell him that his wife, whom he loves dearly, is likely to be lonely and unhappy because she wants to please him and as as result doesn't see her friends anymore, who, btw, aren't evil. Someone should tell him that if he loves his wife, he would worry about her well-being and would want her to be happy, even if that means not agreeing with him on every little detail. And someone should reassure him, that even if she doesn't agree with him, she has his back and will always love him, no matter what, as long as he gives her the space she needs to breathe and live her life.

And this someone should have enough saliva and patience and tenacity, to keep going over this with him, untill he gets it without getting mad or frustrated at him, while being understanding, yet unyielding, without letting it turn into a religious debate, and keeping the focus on their life together. For their mom's sake.

Just my two cents.

 

[tinkerbell]

You sound very concerned about your mum - it's sad when relgion (which is suppost to be a good/helpful thing) is driving a wedge in your family life.

Got the t-shirt on that.

Talk to your dad honestly, explain that you are concerned about the pressure he is putting on your mum, and that she is not one to stand her ground, but that she is liable to be 1. feeling she eneds to be loyal to him rather than to herself, and 2 deeply missing the people she loves. That his new found faith support him, but that his need to constrain others beleifs is likely to be causing distress to your mum who is very unlikely to vocalise her opinion because of her need to be loyal to him.

Explain how unfair that type of power is over her, and that he needs to be more considerate of her needs and not just his own.

REALLY difficult shoes you are walking in, good luck and I'm really sorry you are having such a horrible time fighting an argument that you could really do without

Lis

 

[ceecee]

Go religion. Ok seriously, I agree with everything Amargith said. Your mom shouldn't be harrassed like this. Your dad chose to change religions and that's his right to. But she didn't and she will only put up with this for so long. I don't envy your situation at all but somoene needs to put the likely scenarios to him very bluntly. Your mom also needs to stand up for her own needs too, his strong will be damned.

 

[corey_vann]

You could try explaining how is attitude and treatment of others is inefficient and counter productive to his cause.