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  1. #31
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    If someone is physically ugly, and it's not something they can do much about, I don't see a reason to mention it to them. If someone dresses bad however for example, I would be blunt and honest about it if they are important to me on a personal level. If not close to me, I probably don't care. :P
    Well, there you go. You don't just say everything you think. You choose certain things to say. Things with potentially negative consequences and no positive ones are not said. Things with some pros and some cons tend to go towards the honesty side in general. No problem with that. Sounds like we agree. (Although, I personally tend to lean more towards the careful side.)

  2. #32
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    there is no "honest" answer to the unavoidably subjective nature of human emotion, so how and what you say about these matters only reflects your emotions and a desire to be accurate to them, not a desire to be honest.

    "does this make my butt look big?"

    if you say "yes, it does", you are not being "honest" you are being accurate to your opinion of her ass, and this opinion is what hurts her feelings.
    I know full well honesty is subjective by nature. But that is no reason to be dishonest. In my book, it's always better to be as honest as possible, based on your own thoughts, feelings and experience.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  3. #33
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evan View Post
    Well, there you go. You don't just say everything you think. You choose certain things to say. Things with potentially negative consequences and no positive ones are not said. Things with some pros and some cons tend to go towards the honesty side in general. No problem with that. Sounds like we agree. (Although, I personally tend to lean more towards the careful side.)
    Well yes, but if a partner asks something. I still don't see a reason to be dishonest about it. And generally saying nothing doesn't help much either, if you know what I mean.

    Ultimatly, I could always voice how important the ordeal is to me (honestly), after having answered honestly. Which would probably soften the impact.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #34
    Senior Member Kangol's Avatar
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    This is what I gather from the OP:

    "I know how to be tactful but I really don't want to be that way in a personal relationship."

    Okay then, if that's working for you, hats off to you.

    However, if the case of writing this thread is to point out that this method of dealing with relationships is not working out, then perhaps the reasons why directness is valued above tact in the relationship ought to be discussed. As Evan and others pointed out, they are not necessarily mutually exclusive as a means to interact.

    If your goal is to tell your significant other every thing that pops into your head, then you're probably doing a good job. You may want to read the book The Guinea Pig Diaries, released recently from author AJ Jacobs, in which he conducts various social experiments. One of them was to do just that- unhindered, tactless dialogue.

    However, if your goal, like most other people in a deep, intimate relationship, is to maintain that relationship because you love them and want them to love you, revisions in approach and perspective are advisable.

    I'm wondering: What happens if you do find someone equally interested only in a tactless approach to relationships? I don't think it will be fun and games, and instead sounds like a likely case for domestic violence or divorce. There are inevitably times when two people in a relationship will not get along or understand each other, and it is in those times that tact and empathy will carry them through.

  5. #35
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kangol View Post

    I'm wondering: What happens if you do find someone equally interested only in a tactless approach to relationships? I don't think it will be fun and games, and instead sounds like a likely case for domestic violence or divorce. There are inevitably times when two people in a relationship will not get along or understand each other, and it is in those times that tact and empathy will carry them through.
    I'm not a violent person at all, I'm nearly unangre-able.
    I'm also perfectly capable of fun and games while being direct. I do not need to be serious all the time either. But at moments that seriousness is required, I will be bluntly honest. It's not that I'm not playful. On the contrary.

    But suppose that would be the effect of directness in a relationship for the sake of arguement. Then I will be happy with being single throughout my life. As relationships are not of my interest.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  6. #36
    Senior Member Kangol's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    I'm not a violent person at all, I'm nearly unangre-able.
    I'm also perfectly capable of fun and games while being direct. I do not need to be serious all the time either. But at moments that seriousness is required, I will be bluntly honest. It's not that I'm not playful. On the contrary.

    But suppose that would be the effect of directness in a relationship for the sake of arguement. Then I will be happy with being single throughout my life. As relationships are not of my interest.
    I'm guessing that your playful nature helps to establish the beginnings of a relationship and sustain it, which is a good thing. If you are happy with it, I guess there's no real problem then.

    I will agree that honesty and directness should be enforced in a relationship, and in fact I will often say very blunt, harsh things to my girlfriend. This is because I have been with her long enough to know what I can and cannot say to her, and when I do so it is either jokingly or in retaliation to something mean she says. If I overstep that boundary into being mean, I apologize, and will perhaps explain myself as to why I said it in an apologetic tone. This is because honesty and directness is important to me, but so is keeping her affection, because I love her.

  7. #37
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Yeah, I kinda got fucked up with the 'love' subject in my first relationship. I see love a bit differently now. But that's a whole different story. (I don't see it as me being fucked up myself, but I imagine others do. And truthfully, the whole situation was fucked up.)

    I understand where you're coming from though. I think I'm hanging on the apologizing bit myself. If I don't feel I need to apologize, I don't. Unless you count a more clearer explanation as an apology, which should work just as well, but seems to work like putting fire out with gasoline from my experience with most people.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  8. #38
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    well it's because the truth can hurt, so if I go around telling everyone I know more about something than them then it's only going to make them hate me.

    So it all depends on the person, if they can handle the truth without hating the hurt.

  9. #39
    Senior Member The Grand Chameleon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kangol View Post

    I will agree that honesty and directness should be enforced in a relationship, and in fact I will often say very blunt, harsh things to my girlfriend. This is because I have been with her long enough to know what I can and cannot say to her, and when I do so it is either jokingly or in retaliation to something mean she says. If I overstep that boundary into being mean, I apologize, and will perhaps explain myself as to why I said it in an apologetic tone. This is because honesty and directness is important to me, but so is keeping her affection, because I love her.
    So the tin man got his heart, eh?
    "In the game of chess, you can never let your opponent see your pieces."

  10. #40
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    "Modesty is a flower that does not grow in every garden."

    -Ralph Quinn (my brilliant friend and comrade)

    ***NOTE: As per Ralph, you can substitute any "Virtue" for "Modesty" above and nullify its existence with a puzzling amount of tact.

    That is all.



    -Halla

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