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  1. #1
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Default Parenting Philosophies/The Role of Children In Society

    We are a no-spanking(or punishment for that matter) family. We believe that children have rights, and should be treated with the same level of respect as adults. We don't expect perfection, and when mistakes are made(or things are done in our home that we disapprove of), we discuss the issue, and try to work out a solution that suits us all. My husband is an ISTJ traditionalist, but he and I agree on parenting. We also have fairly radical views on schooling, and our children will likely attend a Sudbury school, where they can choose to learn what they wish, at their own pace.

    What correlations are their between type and parenting style/philosophy? How do you guys view the role of children in society?

  2. #2
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    How do you guys view the role of children in society?
    The work of children is play.

    And the purpose of play is to learn the distinction between imagination and reality.

    Once we learn the distinction we are free to imagine ourselves in the real world.

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    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Very different from the household I grew up in, Fer. Just take that and pull a 180, and you'll have my household.

    I have no plans for kids.. but I am a third wheel parent for my sister, and I try to correct the things that I disliked when I was growing up in our household. My sister's got it pretty decent if I do say so myself.

    The role of children is to become functioning adults in society, imo. Why else be a parent but to help the next generation grow up and hopefully be better off than you were?? How well they do function is up to the parents and the personalities the children themselves.

    I don't believe children have the same respect as adults.. Because they aren't. I give the same amount of respect, but it's not the same kind.

    I'm not gonna say no-spanking wasn't a part of my house. it was a HUGE part of it growing up, and I came out just fine. But I'm more fond of creative punishments, especially when they become too old to spank. (example: Taking the door away to their room when they lie about what they're doing in their room..)
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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  4. #4
    Intriguing.... Quinlan's Avatar
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    I think the most powerful thing you do is set a good example.
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  5. #5
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I don't believe children have the same respect as adults.. Because they aren't. I give the same amount of respect, but it's not the same kind.
    Thanks for the response there! Are you saying you don't believe that children should have the same respect? Do you believe that age merits respect?

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I'm not gonna say no-spanking wasn't a part of my house. it was a HUGE part of it growing up, and I came out just fine.
    Spanking was a huge part of my childhood as well. I'd like to think that I turned out ok inspite of it, not as a result. Do you think spanking helped you to become a good person?

    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    The work of children is play.

    And the purpose of play is to learn the distinction between imagination and reality.
    I am with you on this one Victor.

  6. #6
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Taking Children Seriously?
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

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    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    I'm definitely NOT TCS...I think children generally need structure and guidance in order for everyone not to be miserable all the time.

    That said, we're non-punitive, which, of course, includes not spanking. I'm noticing that my kids are internalizing values earlier than I did (I was spanked), and my theory is that it's because they're not simply towing the line out of fear. They're free to make mistakes, and then learn from them, as opposed to learning to simply keep the big person happy.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  8. #8
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonkeyGrass View Post
    I'm definitely NOT TCS...I think children generally need structure and guidance in order for everyone not to be miserable all the time.

    That said, we're non-punitive, which, of course, includes not spanking. I'm noticing that my kids are internalizing values earlier than I did (I was spanked), and my theory is that it's because they're not simply towing the line out of fear. They're free to make mistakes, and then learn from them, as opposed to learning to simply keep the big person happy.
    Same here MonkeyGrass. I think structure and guidance can be achieved respectfully, though. To be honest, sometimes the best way to show respect is to be honest and let someone know when they're out of line. I would do the same for an adult if it affected me.

    I'm finding this style of parenting a lot harder to implement with my son, who has some characteristics of high-functioning autism and just isn't as easy to reason with as my daughter. But I just cannot spank for my own sake, if not only for his. I have spanked in moments of frustration, usually when I've backed myself into a corner. I always put myself in a time-out and apologize, as I would expect of him if he hit someone. (We try to make time-out non-punitive by either going with them and helping them calm down if they're simply overstimulated, or making it clear that it's good for everyone to take a little break once in awhile.)
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
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  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I don't believe respect and clear lines of authority are mutually exclusive. A boss at your job can assign you tasks respectfully or disrespectfully and a parent can do the same thing.

    We spanked our kids when they were too young to be effectively reasoned with. It is quick, simple, and can be effective for canceling behaviors you don't want repeated. At our house putting yourself in danger (getting out of car seat, running toward the street), hurting someone, defiant behavior could merit a spanking -- a couple of stinging swats on a thigh or behind with a wooden spoon.

    Like kyuuei, I believe the role of children is ultimately to become functioning adults. They should be allowed to experience the consequences of their choices as much as possible, but also held to standards of behavior.

    For us that means that our children are allowed to voice their opinions and be listened to, but they need to do it in a reasonably polite tone. We expect to be obeyed, but are understanding about forgetting, etc within reason.

    We really don't have a ton of rules, but school is a priority and I try to help them with organization/removing distractions if they are having problems.

    Once homework and what few chores they have are done, they are free to watch TV, play video games, read, draw, make stuff, use a computer if one is open.

    I have to say that I am pleased with the results I'm seeing so far. Not only do I respect them on principle because they are my fellow human beings, I like and respect them because of the kind of people they are: kind, ethical, intelligent, and funny.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Same here MonkeyGrass. I think structure and guidance can be achieved respectfully, though. To be honest, sometimes the best way to show respect is to be honest and let someone know when they're out of line. I would do the same for an adult if it affected me.

    I'm finding this style of parenting a lot harder to implement with my son, who has some characteristics of high-functioning autism and just isn't as easy to reason with as my daughter. But I just cannot spank for my own sake, if not only for his. I have spanked in moments of frustration, usually when I've backed myself into a corner. I always put myself in a time-out and apologize, as I would expect of him if he hit someone. (We try to make time-out non-punitive by either going with them and helping them calm down if they're simply overstimulated, or making it clear that it's good for everyone to take a little break once in awhile.)
    No, we're not into TCS either, although I completely respect those people who are. I'm just not that evolved and my emotional resources don't stretch that far.

    We take breaks, as a family, when things get out of hand. Nothing punitive though. And when I do things that I know go against my own value system, like yelling in anger, I apologize as well. My mother, an ESTJ, would never dream of apologizing to me. In her opinion, the parent is always right, even when they are wrong. Her contradictory positions(and the ironies of the adult world in general) had me pondering morality at a very early age.

    As far as structure and guidance go, ours are allowed to go to bed when they please, wake up when they please(no school), and meet and respond to their basic needs as they please, so long as it doesn't disturb anyone else in the house and we can all live in peace. If someone is disturbed by an action, we attempt to work it out together. We have a few "non-negotiables" which apply to everyone in the family, and these things are not generally up for regular discussion unless someone can bring a winning argument to the table and amend the law.

    Our primary tool of discipline is modeling, which we feel has kept us honest and our household respectful and lacking resentment. We are constantly being held to our own standard, which I like(as does everyone else). We offer help when asked and rarely give unsolicited advice. We make ourselves available, let our expectations be known, trust, and stay closely involved. We try to treat them how we would like to be treated, which is the best discipline of all imo.

    We don't do chores, but per se, but we do all strive to help each other as much as possible. It is something we model, and sometimes I feel like we get too much help! Cleaning right now is a group thing with us(cause we all agree it's more fun that way), and everyone cleans whatever they want, music blaring and all.

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