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Thread: Settling?

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    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Default Settling?

    My biggest challenge in life, currently, is a nagging feeling like the situation I'm in isn't right and can be improved. In happens in at least 2 major key areas of my life: relationships and career.

    With relationships, I'll be seeing someone and begin to feel like the person isn't "right" for me and there's something better out there that's more fitting. I end up meeting someone new and think they might have that thing that I'm missing in my current relationship. The same thing happens with my career, where I begin to see the shortcomings of my career, usually boredom, and end up thinking that there's something better, something without flaws, that is out there. So, I change careers, and eventually find disappointment there, too. I see the same patterns in other areas of my life, too.

    I don't like this pattern/loop because I want to deepen both my relationships and career, and can't when I'm constantly shifting things around. On the other hand, some things really aren't a good match; some partnerships as well as some careers don't resonate with your core. What I'd like to know is how you've dealt with the question of settling. Specifically, how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?

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    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?
    I've often battled with this myself. It seems to have quelled a lot in the last year or so... and the only thing that I see myself doing differently is actually applying myself to my job and to relationships. (The one I was in for a bit anyway heh) It seems the more I work at it, the more I want to remain with it. Its the classic 'The more invested the less likely you are to leave' idea I guess.

    At work I've tried to continually find ways to improve, not just my job, but the jobs of others. I'm at a pretty young company that is still developing a lot of its processes and going through the growing pains, so the organizer in me has a blast.

    At the moment I can't really speak on the relationship front... but I believe that when I find the right person I won't be looking for something better anymore.

    Like you, I refuse to settle in either of these areas, and I've been told I'm not realistic... but I'm not sure what it would take for me to be OK with feeling like I've settled. It would feel like I've sold myself short, which would lead to guilt, which would lead to frustration and unhappiness... I just can't see myself ever being able to do it.


    P.S. - Living in So. Cal. might be adding to this for you... tee hee hee! Gotta live in a place where the weather sucks all the time maybe to get some perspective!
    Embrace the possibilities.

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    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Joy. If you're not miserable, chances are your career/relationship don't warrant a change just yet.

    If you're bored move on. Sometimes it's important to rationalize one's likes and dislikes, though. I hate my major but I know it's the most logical step, in this context, in order to land my dream job. I know I don't want a shallow girl who can't speak my own language, so I shun them as quickly as possible to minimize everyone's sorrows.



    But I'm just a kid, who's not really happy at this moment in his life, so don't listen to me...

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    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty_Mountain_Rose View Post
    when I find the right person I won't be looking for something better anymore.
    This, I think, is part of the problematic thinking. At least, the way I use it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    But I'm just a kid, who's not really happy at this moment in his life, so don't listen to me...
    Thanks, I won't.

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    I have never been completely satisfied with anything. It's a blessing in that I'm always trying to improve things. But it's also a curse because totally happiness will forever be elusive.

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    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    My biggest challenge in life, currently, is a nagging feeling like the situation I'm in isn't right and can be improved. In happens in at least 2 major key areas of my life: relationships and career.

    With relationships, I'll be seeing someone and begin to feel like the person isn't "right" for me and there's something better out there that's more fitting. I end up meeting someone new and think they might have that thing that I'm missing in my current relationship. The same thing happens with my career, where I begin to see the shortcomings of my career, usually boredom, and end up thinking that there's something better, something without flaws, that is out there. So, I change careers, and eventually find disappointment there, too. I see the same patterns in other areas of my life, too.

    I don't like this pattern/loop because I want to deepen both my relationships and career, and can't when I'm constantly shifting things around. On the other hand, some things really aren't a good match; some partnerships as well as some careers don't resonate with your core. What I'd like to know is how you've dealt with the question of settling. Specifically, how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?
    Perhaps you might like to think of neurotic idealism as a step towards wholeness and integrity.

    You might think of neurotic idealism as a step away from the unwholesome mismatch towards realising your idealism.

    And plainly you have already taken this step, and are aware of it, so there is no reason you shouldn't take the next step.

    And the step after that - and before long you will find youself dancing.

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    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    Perhaps you might like to think of neurotic idealism as a step towards wholeness and integrity.

    You might think of neurotic idealism as a step away from the unwholesome mismatch towards realising your idealism.
    But that's the thing: I'm not sure the ideal is real. If it isn't, I'm just one step close to a mirage, which is no closer at all.

    And plainly you have already taken this step, and are aware of it, so there is no reason you shouldn't take the next step.
    And what would the next step be?

    I like the idea of neurotic idealism being a positive step in the right direction, I'm just not sure I see how that is.

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    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    so weird...kinda having a similar conversation with some other enfp's at the moment. that discontented feeling. i have it too. hate it. no advice. sorry.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    I like the idea of neurotic idealism being a positive step in the right direction, I'm just not sure I see how that is.
    That's very good.

    And you ask a good question - what is the right direction?

    Really the best thing is to ask a question and pause and wait for the answer - for every question contains its own answer.

    You listen to the question. And turn it over. Let it percolate.

    And almost by magic the answer will let itself be known.

    All you have to do is listen.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    That's very good.

    And you ask a good question - what is the right direction?

    Really the best thing is to ask a question and pause and wait for the answer. For every question contains its own answer.

    You listen to the question. And turn it over. Let it percolate.

    And almost by magic the answer will let itself be known.

    All you have to do is listen.
    Problem is when the answer is too subjective to bear any practicality.

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