Settling?

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

My biggest challenge in life, currently, is a nagging feeling like the situation I'm in isn't right and can be improved. In happens in at least 2 major key areas of my life: relationships and career.

With relationships, I'll be seeing someone and begin to feel like the person isn't "right" for me and there's something better out there that's more fitting. I end up meeting someone new and think they might have that thing that I'm missing in my current relationship. The same thing happens with my career, where I begin to see the shortcomings of my career, usually boredom, and end up thinking that there's something better, something without flaws, that is out there. So, I change careers, and eventually find disappointment there, too. I see the same patterns in other areas of my life, too.

I don't like this pattern/loop because I want to deepen both my relationships and career, and can't when I'm constantly shifting things around. On the other hand, some things really aren't a good match; some partnerships as well as some careers don't resonate with your core. What I'd like to know is how you've dealt with the question of settling. Specifically, how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?

I've often battled with this myself. It seems to have quelled a lot in the last year or so... and the only thing that I see myself doing differently is actually applying myself to my job and to relationships. (The one I was in for a bit anyway heh) It seems the more I work at it, the more I want to remain with it. Its the classic 'The more invested the less likely you are to leave' idea I guess.

At work I've tried to continually find ways to improve, not just my job, but the jobs of others. I'm at a pretty young company that is still developing a lot of its processes and going through the growing pains, so the organizer in me has a blast.

At the moment I can't really speak on the relationship front... but I believe that when I find the right person I won't be looking for something better anymore.

Like you, I refuse to settle in either of these areas, and I've been told I'm not realistic... but I'm not sure what it would take for me to be OK with feeling like I've settled. It would feel like I've sold myself short, which would lead to guilt, which would lead to frustration and unhappiness... I just can't see myself ever being able to do it.


P.S. - Living in So. Cal. might be adding to this for you... tee hee hee! Gotta live in a place where the weather sucks all the time maybe to get some perspective!

 

[Moiety]

Joy. If you're not miserable, chances are your career/relationship don't warrant a change just yet.

If you're bored move on. Sometimes it's important to rationalize one's likes and dislikes, though. I hate my major but I know it's the most logical step, in this context, in order to land my dream job. I know I don't want a shallow girl who can't speak my own language, so I shun them as quickly as possible to minimize everyone's sorrows.



But I'm just a kid, who's not really happy at this moment in his life, so don't listen to me...

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

when I find the right person I won't be looking for something better anymore.

This, I think, is part of the problematic thinking. At least, the way I use it.

But I'm just a kid, who's not really happy at this moment in his life, so don't listen to me...

Thanks, I won't.

 

[Not_Me]

I have never been completely satisfied with anything. It's a blessing in that I'm always trying to improve things. But it's also a curse because totally happiness will forever be elusive.

 

[Mole]

My biggest challenge in life, currently, is a nagging feeling like the situation I'm in isn't right and can be improved. In happens in at least 2 major key areas of my life: relationships and career.

With relationships, I'll be seeing someone and begin to feel like the person isn't "right" for me and there's something better out there that's more fitting. I end up meeting someone new and think they might have that thing that I'm missing in my current relationship. The same thing happens with my career, where I begin to see the shortcomings of my career, usually boredom, and end up thinking that there's something better, something without flaws, that is out there. So, I change careers, and eventually find disappointment there, too. I see the same patterns in other areas of my life, too.

I don't like this pattern/loop because I want to deepen both my relationships and career, and can't when I'm constantly shifting things around. On the other hand, some things really aren't a good match; some partnerships as well as some careers don't resonate with your core. What I'd like to know is how you've dealt with the question of settling. Specifically, how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?

Perhaps you might like to think of neurotic idealism as a step towards wholeness and integrity.

You might think of neurotic idealism as a step away from the unwholesome mismatch towards realising your idealism.

And plainly you have already taken this step, and are aware of it, so there is no reason you shouldn't take the next step.

And the step after that - and before long you will find youself dancing.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Perhaps you might like to think of neurotic idealism as a step towards wholeness and integrity.

You might think of neurotic idealism as a step away from the unwholesome mismatch towards realising your idealism.

But that's the thing: I'm not sure the ideal is real. If it isn't, I'm just one step close to a mirage, which is no closer at all.

And plainly you have already taken this step, and are aware of it, so there is no reason you shouldn't take the next step.

And what would the next step be?

I like the idea of neurotic idealism being a positive step in the right direction, I'm just not sure I see how that is.

 

[Lady_X]

so weird...kinda having a similar conversation with some other enfp's at the moment. that discontented feeling. i have it too. hate it. no advice. sorry.

 

[Mole]

I like the idea of neurotic idealism being a positive step in the right direction, I'm just not sure I see how that is.

That's very good.

And you ask a good question - what is the right direction?

Really the best thing is to ask a question and pause and wait for the answer - for every question contains its own answer.

You listen to the question. And turn it over. Let it percolate.

And almost by magic the answer will let itself be known.

All you have to do is listen.

 

[Moiety]

That's very good.

And you ask a good question - what is the right direction?

Really the best thing is to ask a question and pause and wait for the answer. For every question contains its own answer.

You listen to the question. And turn it over. Let it percolate.

And almost by magic the answer will let itself be known.

All you have to do is listen.

Problem is when the answer is too subjective to bear any practicality.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

That's very good.

And you ask a good question - what is the right direction?

Really the best thing is to ask a question and pause and wait for the answer - for every question contains its own answer.

You listen to the question. And turn it over. Let it percolate.

And almost by magic the answer will let itself be known.

All you have to do is listen.

I like this, thanks. It gives me hope.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

how do you distinguish between real mismatches and neurotic idealism?

That can be difficult, but my take on it has to do with the nature of the flaw. Is it a core conflict or something on the surface? That might not always be a clear way to distinguish, but it can be. For me in my career a core conflict is a highly competitive environment because I'm not able to function and communicate in that game-playing one-ups-man-ship kind of way. My work now has its flaws, but at least I am able to function and communicate in it consistently and even when I'm worn out.

In relationships, does it seem like the conflict undermines one or both people at a core level? For example "stop feeling that" or "start feeling that" kind of needs simply can't be met. A person can only be and feel what is true to themselves. I wonder if the first step has to do with knowing how oneself feels about personal flaws/perfection. If it feels too hard to accept personal flaws, then maybe external flaws seem worse and like something to be avoided.

In some ways a perfect relationship or job might be a bit much to take. There might not be any room to grow, but to just maintain the perfection. The constant searching for something better sounds related to a desire to grow, but maybe that growth/progress is best experienced inside the flawed context? It's possible for flaws to be comforting in a way, and they can also be the source of a unique journey. It isn't particularly interesting to remember perfection, but how off-kilter the journey was.

 

[miss fortune]

I've always taken discontent as a sign that something must be lacking, on my end or on the end of whatever is in question. Its always been a sign to me that it's time to move on- why bother sticking around with something that's unfulfilling?

Of course, moving on is one of my talents, but sometimes moving makes you feel more alive than stagnation.

 

[Mole]

That can be difficult, but my take on it has to do with the nature of the flaw. Is it a core conflict or something on the surface? That might not always be a clear way to distinguish, but it can be. For me in my career a core conflict is a highly competitive environment because I'm not able to function and communicate in that game-playing one-ups-man-ship kind of way. My work now has its flaws, but at least I am able to function and communicate in it consistently and even when I'm worn out.

In relationships, does it seem like the conflict undermines one or both people at a core level? For example "stop feeling that" or "start feeling that" kind of needs simply can't be met. A person can only be and feel what is true to themselves. I wonder if the first step has to do with knowing how oneself feels about personal flaws/perfection. If it feels too hard to accept personal flaws, then maybe external flaws seem worse and like something to be avoided.

In some ways a perfect relationship or job might be a bit much to take. There might not be any room to grow, but to just maintain the perfection. The constant searching for something better sounds related to a desire to grow, but maybe that growth/progress is best experienced inside the flawed context? It's possible for flaws to be comforting in a way, and they can also be the source of a unique journey. It isn't particularly interesting to remember perfection, but how off-kilter the journey was.

What a nice reply.

 

[kyuuei]

I guess my question is whether you truly feel its without or within.

If you see something not work for you, and move to something else, and it gets better.. obviously it is without.. but. I can't help but think that changing within your life with only temporary results would be within.. Mayhap the reasons behind the discontent aren't on the surface. I suppose then your question would lead to another question then, instead of turning into an answer. Or maybe the answer is just more questions?

 

[Mole]

Problem is when the answer is too subjective to bear any practicality.

Then you ask, what is the practical solution?

And you pause and wait and listen, and you are sure to hear the answer.

The most important thing is the question.

So it is most important to ask a good question.

Each question is pregnant - and each answer is your baby to live with.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

That can be difficult, but my take on it has to do with the nature of the flaw. Is it a core conflict or something on the surface?

I think generally it has been something deep. I ended the last 3 relationships because I didn't feel understood. I tend to spend a lot of times in my ideas and seek intimacy with myself and with my surroundings. The people I dated, I felt, weren't there with me, inhabiting the same world I do with the same language and same perception. By "same" I don't mean identical, but same style and same drive. I guess I spend a lot of time developing a clear lens to observe things and am looking for someone with a similar lens.

The thing is, I don't always trust my assessments, because I know how expectations can distort perception, so it's tricky. Anyway...I don't want this to turn into a whiny personal thread, but I thought I'd share in case you experienced something like that.

 

[CzeCze]

You mean is the discontent due to internal or external circumstances?

I think you probably know your weak spots and fears better than any of us.

I will speak only for me and perhaps provide some comparison and contrast?

For me, my dissatisfaction with things comes from the fear that I'm missing out or 'not doing the right thing'. Like there was a manual to my life and I somehow lost it at birth and will never recover it.

I do not want to be deprived. I do not want to miss out. I do not want to fail at The Thing I Was Meant To Do. Or miss My Soul Mate. And I definitely do not want to fail at being the Person I Was Meant To Be. And no, I do NOT Want to Settle.

Enneatypes and learning more about the enneagram has been helping me understand how fears and coping mechanisms cause me to act the way I do (thanks Spongie!) 7w6.

The solution is: Yes, keep looking in a conscientious way and not just go through the motions or spin your wheels. But more important is to learn to be still inside, calm yourself, and learn discernment and sacrifice. Face your fears and learn the truth they are trying to tell you so you can make the best decision for yourself.

I will never get where I want to be or even be happy by constantly jumping and searching, eventually I will have to find what it is that I want and hold fast and work for it. Weather the unideal moments, the snags, the hard parts. Learn discernment and through that, virtue.

How will you know when you find the elusive "it"? That's really a decision that you make. You just have to dig your heels in and do it and work through that initial resistance.

Hopefully, once you push through that, you can see your situation with true clarity.

Dissatisfaction can be a sign that you should or shouldn't do something. Hoewever, when your warning system is all haywire and pre-emptive and constantly going off -- you can't trust those 'gut feelings' because you don't know what they are or their true significance.

So, sounds like a sucky answer, you may just have to buckle down and stick with things you don't like until you learn to recognize your signals for what they are. Commit yourself long enough to learn from experience.

 

[Moiety]

Then you ask, what is the practical solution?

And you pause and wait and listen, and you are sure to hear the answer.

The most important thing is the question.

So it is most important to ask a good question.

Each question is pregnant - and each answer is your baby to live with.

Bad kids can make you miserable, though, no matter how much you love (or want to love) them.