So, someone you despise saves your life...

[digesthisickness]

at the last moment, as your life flashes before your eyes, they snatch you from in front of a speeding bus, or you're choking to the point that you know you're dying, and they're the only one to step up to the plate and heimlich you just in time, or they save you from a certain watery death while you gasp, what would otherwise be, your last time.

but... up to that moment, you absolutely despised them. couldn't stand to look at them, hear their voice, read their posts, etc.

how, if at all, do you see them differently? how obligated do you feel to thank them? how would you? and, for how long would you do so?

 

[disregard]

I can't think of anyone that I actively despise, but hypothetically.. I couldn't despise them after that. The most interesting friends are often people you weren't too fond of at the beginning.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Yeah, of course I would thank them. I would put aside whatever differences I hug them and do my best to get to know them, or at least appreciate their good qualities. Even if I can't be close to them because there are things I hate, I could relate to them from a distance. For how long? I would probably relate as close as I could and then move back as I saw the things I hated; I'd maintain email contact for at least a few months.

 

[digesthisickness]

I can't think of anyone that I actively despise, but hypothetically.. I couldn't despise them after that. The most interesting friends are often people you weren't too fond of at the beginning.

well, 'despise' is just an overall term i used to convey a serious personality clash that's so entrenched that before this, one would know, in no uncertain terms, that it would never work out as even an acquaintance.

 

[Totenkindly]

Oh great -- so what did "you know who" do THIS time?

 

[Bella]

I miss everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See you soon! Have to return to internetless universe.

 

[nottaprettygal]

1) Thank him/her afterwards

2) Send card with leftover Bath and Body Works gift card (Value: $12)

3) Try to avoid him/her for the rest of my life.
Note: If not possible, pretend to have suffered amnesia.

 

[disregard]

well, 'despise' is just an overall term i used to convey a serious personality clash that's so entrenched that before this, one would know, in no uncertain terms, that it would never work out as even an acquaintance.

Ah. I can experience appreciation and not desiring friendship simultaneously, so yeh, it would be rather easy for me to be like "Goddamn. You just saved my life. That's awesome, thanks." and not feel obligated to fake some relationship.

But

I think their saving your life might be instant chemistry. You just never know.

 

[ajblaise]

Well obviously the context in which I view them would change dramatically. If I truly did despise them, I probably had good reason, because it would take a lot for me to actively despise someone.

I would give them the mandatory thanks and all that after the it happened... then I'd go home and re-assess the situation. I could see my henceforth view of them going from negative to neutral, or negative to possibly very positive, depending on if they continued the behavior that caused me to despise them.

 

[The Ü™]

I'd say the person was stupid for saving my life. Now I can live a little longer to have my revenge.

 

[digesthisickness]

Oh great -- so what did "you know who" do THIS time?

no, sadly, this is just one example of where my mind goes when commercials come on.

...

and why i need lots of reading material in the bathroom.

 

[booyalab]

I would thank them. But I wouldn't necessarily stop despising them. If I love people with bad qualities, why can't I hate someone with good qualities?

 

[digesthisickness]

just to be fair by answering my own question, here are other things i've stated on this subject elsewhere:

yes, it's the boundary between what you (plural) felt, and what they think you should feel, that i was pondering. the point at which you'd feel you'd done enough without feeling guilty for stopping.

i also suspect that if they were the type who continued to act, or heavily hint, that i didn't do enough, while making me lurch by insisting verbally that they don't want to be thanked, that i'd eventually wish they hadn't saved me and tell them so.

 

[digesthisickness]

I would thank them. But I wouldn't necessarily stop despising them. If I love people with bad qualities, why can't I hate someone with good qualities?

that's a good way of looking at it, but at what point would you decide you'd done enough to the degree that it negates whether or not they think you have?

remember, this person saved your life, and without that, you wouldn't be in the position to even ponder how much to thank them.

 

[Totenkindly]

I don't think there's a stock answer.

I mean, when I look at this, it's clear we're all different. Even with the people I really don't like much (even "hate"), if they have good qualities, I still would flex if they came around and make it work. I can't hold a grudge in the face of change on their part. I wish I could, but I can't; oh well, I just need to accept that. I know some other people are not this way at all; but I know I'm always seeking a connection point and want to make things work somehow.

Here, the person might still be someone who does something good but a friendship still can't really work because of who they are versus who I am.

I'd probably just thank them, feel things out to what degree that "thanking" would entail, and if I sensed they were getting demanding or expecting certain things from me, I'd have to lay it out for them.

In the past, I wouldn't have been able to do that well; nowadays I could. I don't screw around with boundaries anymore, I've got them and I'm keeping them. There's no one's "good graces" I need anymore except my own, not enough to compromise myself for.

So they saved my life. I'll always be grateful. But I won't prostitute myself emotionally.

 

[Colors]

I think it depends on *why* I despise them. Examples:

a) They've done horrible things to me: Saving my life would probably do a fair amount of "erasing" this hate.
b) They've done horrible things: Less erasure, but still some.
c) We have clashing personalities: I'd probably try to be kinder in my evaluations of the person. They might not be that into it though. Maybe form a respect (if it wasn't there already). There are ways to personally despise a person while acknowledging that perhaps they might have a valid approach in certain situations.

At any rate, I'd definitely feel obligated to at least thank the person. And re-evaluate (like ajblaise stated).

 

[Synarch]

how, if at all, do you see them differently? how obligated do you feel to thank them? how would you? and, for how long would you do so?

1. I see them as someone who I despise and yet to who I owe something of immeasurable value.

2. I would thank them with eternal gratefulness and the opportunity to cash in a huge favor. Then I would move on with my life with the credit marked in my mind.

 

[Night]

I would thank them. But I wouldn't necessarily stop despising them. If I love people with bad qualities, why can't I hate someone with good qualities?

This is a really good point, booya.

 

[digesthisickness]

This is a really good point, booya.

i agree, and it's definitely enough to decide i'd done enough, but the hard part, thus the question, is finding the balance between when i figured i'd done enough, and, as part of being appreciative, they felt i had.

i.e. how much of my own boundaries would i sacrifice in favor of their version of it in order to live guilt-free. or, at least, as guilt-free as possible.

also, as i stated elsewhere: i'm finding it interesting, power-wise, how when it comes to disliked people, even when it's a matter of life and death, some people can't willfully change how they feel about someone.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

I pretty much like everyone, but assuming it wasn't a person I cared for....

I would thank them and probably try to befriend them. It would make one hell of a story to tell people. "And this is the guy I used to hate. Then he saved my life. Ain't life weird?"