Bringing you out of your shell

[substitute]

Reading the Jack Flak vs Mighty Mouse thread in the Graveyard triggered some thoughts...

A few years ago, when I was just beginning to start a new life, from previously being very isolated and having next to no social experience, skills or confidence, I had an ENFP brother and an ESFP friend who took it on themselves to bring me out of my shell... and their methods ended up driving me totally crazy until I finally exploded and sorta had to fire them both from my life temporarily and closet myself away again for several months.

Then I emerged again, gradually, and did things my way... and within a year it started to become clear that I had all the time been an extravert, just a severely stunted one... and I made such huge progress that by the end of that year people were not believing me when I said I related to them if they told me they had social anxiety.

Hmm... I've no doubt that if I hadn't stood up to my self-appointed mentors and carried on doing things their way, then to this day I'd probably still be riddled with anxieties and complexes... in fact, one of the reasons why I hermit-ed myself for so long after my explosion was because I had so many NEW anxieties that had only been put in place BY the things they put me through.

I know they only meant well, but the effect of their good intentions was disastrous. The amazing thing is, they still to this day don't acknowledge any fault in this, and hold that their methods were 'fine', and the only problem was me. Despite the fact that, through different methods, I've become very much a social creature!

Does anyone else have experience of being forced out of their shell? Did it work for anyone? Anyone have experience of doing it for themselves?

[wildcat]

Originally Posted by substitute

Reading the Jack Flak vs Mighty Mouse thread in the Graveyard triggered some thoughts...

A few years ago, when I was just beginning to start a new life, from previously being very isolated and having next to no social experience, skills or confidence, I had an ENFP brother and an ESFP friend who took it on themselves to bring me out of my shell... and their methods ended up driving me totally crazy until I finally exploded and sorta had to fire them both from my life temporarily and closet myself away again for several months.

Then I emerged again, gradually, and did things my way... and within a year it started to become clear that I had all the time been an extravert, just a severely stunted one... and I made such huge progress that by the end of that year people were not believing me when I said I related to them if they told me they had social anxiety.

Hmm... I've no doubt that if I hadn't stood up to my self-appointed mentors and carried on doing things their way, then to this day I'd probably still be riddled with anxieties and complexes... in fact, one of the reasons why I hermit-ed myself for so long after my explosion was because I had so many NEW anxieties that had only been put in place BY the things they put me through.

I know they only meant well, but the effect of their good intentions was disastrous. The amazing thing is, they still to this day don't acknowledge any fault in this, and hold that their methods were 'fine', and the only problem was me. Despite the fact that, through different methods, I've become very much a social creature!

Does anyone else have experience of being forced out of their shell? Did it work for anyone? Anyone have experience of doing it for themselves?

Reflections in a Golden Eye.

[substitute]

I'll take that as a yes.

[Jack Flak]

Consider my agreement noted. People of different psyches can have similar problems, but there is no single ideal solution for everyone.

[substitute]

Originally Posted by Jack Flak

Consider my agreement noted. People of different psyches can have similar problems, but there is no single ideal solution for everyone.

Care to elaborate somewhat? I mean like what methods have not worked for you and why, and have you tried anything that has worked/is working? Or any ideas about what might, for you? do you want me to fuck off and stop asking you personal questions?

I don't really wanna go the whole "I advise this for you" type route, but just hoping if people share their own individual experiences of what has worked/would/might work for them, it might be good to turn up various different methods besides the "desensitization via bombardment" method that seemed to be what my ex-mentors were using for me!!

[Jack Flak]

Originally Posted by substitute

I don't really wanna go the whole "I advise this for you" type route, but just hoping if people share their own individual experiences of what has worked/would/might work for them, it might be good to turn up various different methods besides the "desensitization via bombardment" method that seemed to be what my ex-mentors were using for me!!

For anyone like me (or you it seems), external pressure is useless, as is forcing oneself into forseeably fairly awkward situations. Both methods will increase frustration, and distrust of others, and therefore the reverse of the intended outcome is likely.

To socialize the anti-social is not light work. I advise using ones strengths, excelling in areas of expertise, in addition to comfortably improving oneself in areas of weakness--such as athletics, perhaps. When you do these things, in my experience, good friends have a way of finding you.

[Orangey]

Originally Posted by Jack Flak

For anyone like me (or you it seems), external pressure is useless, as is forcing oneself into forseeably fairly awkward situations. Both methods will increase frustration, and distrust of others, and therefore the reverse of the intended outcome is likely.

This is true for me at least. I once tried to train myself out of social anxiety (or introversion, or shyness, or whatever else you want to call it...I'm not entirely sure what the distinctions are) by forcing myself into more awkward social situations than I would have normally had part in, but it only served to increase my level of fear.

substitute:

I'm not sure I understand your post. You're saying that your friend's methods were in general bad (and I get the feeling that you wouldn't recommend them for others), but at the same time you're saying that they sort-of worked (albeit in an indirect way). So is the moral of your story that the bombardment method does work? Or that it doesn't usually, but that your particular circumstances were such that everything turned out favorably in the end?

[Jeffster]

I don't entirely understand either. The "shell" is what, staying home by yourself? Or not being open with people or talking, or what?

[dnivera]

Graduate school forced me to no longer be quiet in class. I just don't care about what people think of me anymore. I say what's on my mind, even if I think it's not a meaningful contribution, and sometimes people go, "that's a great idea."

[Haphazard]

Wouldn't having a filter between your brain and your mouth be a good thing, though?