Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by dissonance

this was the exact story of my childhood too, except it was my mom who would blow up at me all the time over random nonsense (like seriously everyday).

i learned to think of it in a more strategic way over time -- i'd try to read her moods and analyze everything i wanted to say before actually saying it, holding most things back. and of course, since my parents are my prototypes for thinking about people (as a psychological truism), i applied that mentality across the board.

but the problem with thinking of it that way is this: if it's a game of strategy, there's a right move and a wrong move. and that means i can always figure out the right move given enough time. so instead of being able to live in the moment, i'm always withdrawing and analyzing before participating.

another huge problem is that if something goes wrong, i blame myself -- i immediately see my own "play-mistake" (to use a card game term). it's obvious that if i only did this one thing differently, my "position" in the game would be better.

of course, i don't keep this metaphor in my mind consciously all the time. but i really do think of it as me navigating a somewhat arbitrary game where everyone else defines the rules. and my job is to be the best player possible...

Again, I competely relate to this. And I know this is where my issues with this has come from too. It helps me if I look at it objectively - that I needed to do this growing up (to physically survive - there was violence when I was little, hence the fear of death is wrapped up in this for me as well), but I'm safe now and nothing can happen to me if someone doesn't like me. It is hard to fight the 'it's the end of the world, how can I fix this NOW' feeling because it can be overwhelming, but looking at it objectively, without judging, does gradually take the edge off it.

Edahn - this is the sort of thing my earlier question was trying to get at. What is the underlying cause of this for you? What does it mean if someone doesn't like you?

[Neuro]

I too relate to much of what has been said here. For me a big issue is just speaking. I am obsessed with the power of words and often agonise about what I say and the manner in which I say it. It is totally irrational but I have come to believe that the way I communicate is somehow wrong. This of course leaves very little room for natural sponteneity.
For me it relates to what I think they call ontological insecurity. I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by other people and doubt my ability to retain a strong sense of identity around others.

[Neuro]

Sorry I accidentally hit enter. A book that I woud recommend if you can get it is Beyond Fear by Dorothy Rowe. She talks alot about intoverts and extroverts and their core needs. I only mention this because a lot of what people have been saying here reflects what she says about introverts. She says what intoverts fear most is chaos and that other people can often be sources of chaos because they are so unpredictable. A reay excellent read if you can find it.

[aguanile]

Originally Posted by Edahn

Awesome responses. dissonance, what you said is making me think about some stuff. Thanks.

I figured out that the reason I don't like not feeling good about people is that I think I'm supposed to, and that not feeling good is a sign of anxiety, and that in my mind I force myself to fix that instantaneously.

As for needing people's approval, I was thinking today about how much I hate watching people get embarrassed. I can't even watch it on TV, like when Leno interviews people and asks them easy stupid questions. I have to change the channel because the feeling I get are overwhelming. It makes me think that I'm just very sensitive to feeling rejection. Even seeing it in another person will trigger certain circuits and memories and feelings that are very intense, for which I still don't have the courage to face or a good coping mechanism to work with.

That hits right home for me. I do the same thing. I cannot stand watching others get embarrassed. I don't even watch the auditions for American Idol. I guess I feel like it is me up there with them.

[Tallulah]

Originally Posted by ZiL

Your post is something I can HEAVILY relate to, Edahn. And I'm still trying to pinpoint my problems with this as well.

One of the things I've considered is that part of my need to please people and make them like me has stemmed from specific negative childhood situations. I've noticed on looking back into the past that there were various instances where I'd get an unexpected and unintended negative reaction from someone - relatives and friends. For example, I'd be making a harmless joke, or just trying to be friendly when all of the sudden someone would blindside me with an angry reaction that I felt was out of proportion to the situation. Or as many children do when they want to be "cool," a person whom I thought was my friend would turn around and start being a jerk the next day. I never did that to people as a child - I was pretty sensitive and empathetic - but when people did it to me I couldn't make head or tails of it, and it scared me. It scared me that I could just be minding my own business, and someone could suddenly come at me with a negative reaction that I never would have expected. Kind of like when you're driving along at the speed limit and some Jeff Gordon-wannabee comes flying past you flicking you off. It's like - what did I do to provoke that (besides driving the speed limit, which isn't some heinous crime)? The possibilities for interpersonal chaos terrified me from a young age. The fact that I can't predict the behavior of others, and that just because I act one way doesn't mean the other person will follow.

I believe these experiences might have something to do with my seeking approval from others. By being nice to people, I'm trying at all costs to avoid those unexpected negative reactions. I'm charming to disarm. I see negative possibilities in every interpersonal relationship, and I become overly paranoid, seeing negatives where there are none, blaming myself for things that might have more to do with the emotional state of the other person.

I too was a pleaser as a child - I wanted teachers to respect me and not treat me like an idiot. Trying to equalize authority is still something I do now.

I genuinely enjoy being around others when I feel a level of safety has been reached; I love that feeling of togetherness. But till that point, I can be very socially anxious and overly paranoid about the intentions of others. I hope we can all get ourselves on to a path of training to stop this behavior, because it does suck.

Oh, wow. This point hit me hard. This is exactly my childhood. I had great parents and a great sister, but there were a few "friends" in my life that would just turn on me out of nowhere, and it made me socially anxious and mistrustful of people I didn't know well. I started becoming more independent, more self-reliant, and started making people have to hang around me for a LONG time before I considered them trustworthy enough to open up to. I was always afraid that the rules would change, or they'd read my shyness as snobbery, or something along those lines. One example, in junior high one day, I was standing around in a group with friends, and just mostly listening. This girl who was sort of aggressive and frankly intimidated me, since I was a shy kid, just out of the blue looked at me and said, "You just think you're so much better than everyone else, don't you?" And this was the first thing this girl had EVER said to me. I mean, where does that come from, and how do you even respond to that? So now I'm HYPER sensitive to acting friendly, so nobody gets their emotional panties in a wad. I had lots of weird things like that happen when I was a kid.

Even knowing the root, I still struggle with trusting people to this day. I fear rejection and want people to like me, whether I objectively like them or not. As someone else in the thread said, it's almost like a game of saying the right thing to avoid negative consequences. I love hanging out with people that I feel comfortable with, but the rest of the social world feels like a minefield sometimes, and I know a lot of that is fearing rejection and feeling like I don't know the rules. Most of the time, I just try to keep things light and use humor to show that I'm not a threat. Frankly, I'm okay with accepting that I don't like certain people and that not everyone has to be best friends. But then people get their feelings hurt and you still have a problem.

[MacGuffin]

Everyone on this thread needs hugs.

For reals.

[runvardh]

[xNTP]

Originally Posted by bluebell

Edahn - this is the sort of thing my earlier question was trying to get at. What is the underlying cause of this for you? What does it mean if someone doesn't like you?

I can't say. In fact, I'm not even sure there was a single event. Both my parents have issues with pleasing people, but it manifests in different ways. My mother placates, and my dad criticizes others and builds himself into something invisible and invaluable (narcissism). I have a few experiences from when I was young, but nothing close to death. Maybe just intense fear and depression (short).

[INTJMom]

Originally Posted by Neuro

Sorry I accidentally hit enter. A book that I woud recommend if you can get it is Beyond Fear by Dorothy Rowe. She talks alot about intoverts and extroverts and their core needs. I only mention this because a lot of what people have been saying here reflects what she says about introverts. She says what intoverts fear most is chaos and that other people can often be sources of chaos because they are so unpredictable. A reay excellent read if you can find it.

Wow. That's VERY true for me! I didn't think it was because I am an introvert, though. I thought it was because I have a one track mind, and too much chaos makes me feel confused and unsettled.

[INTJMom]

Originally Posted by MacGuffin

Everyone on this thread needs hugs.

For reals.

Thanks, Mac.