Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[Evan]

Originally Posted by heart

To be rejected or hurt is to be in the game of life.

it's crazy, but there are literally zero people i know that dislike me (and know me).

that's how hard i try.

[toonia]

There may be a correlation between understanding and acceptance of others. People reject and fear what they do not understand. I have most often experienced rejection from those whose picture of me seemed most distorted into some caricature of fear they have about people. A fear of rejection can be a fear of misunderstanding or being misunderstood.

I have feared rejection and being misunderstood. Perhaps this is a reason i have been driven to listen to people that were typically rejected by the norm. It is a curiosity to me why people are rejected. I have also noticed that many people fear rejection. I have encountered a number of people who fear my rejection and i always feel badly and wonder if i need to find a way to communicate more acceptance. I feel frustrated and disappointed each time that happens. I have found that oftentimes people will reject to the same extent they assume i have rejected (i think this applies in general terms to human interactions)

There are people i don't trust and people who drain my energy more quickly than others, but i can't say that i actually dislike anyone (including people who have violated me or others). With extreme cases I don't embrace or reject, but keep a safe distance. What I fear is when someone rejects me out of the blue - when I can't create a rationale for why they seem to have such a moment of disdain for me. That frightens me because it seems to discount certain boundaries, and if I can't reason through why, then it feels really out of hand like they could *really* hate me intensely for no explicable reason. For me the fear is a boundary issue and so i tend to withdraw from such a person although i still tend to like them. I end up finding people confusing and wish i could understand more because even if it doesn't excuse hateful behavior, it at least allows me to make sense of their experience and find a way to connect or share in it.

[disregard]

Originally Posted by dissonance

it's crazy, but there are literally zero people i know that dislike me (and know me).

that's how hard i try.

You just said "and know you", which implies that you weren't having to try to be anything in particular.. But then you say, "that's how hard I try".

Do any of these people that do not dislike you know the you that is not trying?

[htb]

A painful rejection or three may rid you of the fear if you focus on how you survived, and likely grew, perhaps standing up for something, in spite of each.

[Evan]

Originally Posted by Dana

You just said "and know you", which implies that you weren't having to try to be anything in particular.. But then you say, "that's how hard I try".

Do any of these people that do not dislike you know the you that is not trying?

there is no me that is not trying

[toonia]

Originally Posted by dissonance

there is no me that is not trying

How do you deal with people wanting conflicting things from you? That seems to be a core issue in this - anything a person does will make at least someone like them and another person dislike them. The frustration of that can be a first step to letting go of trying to please them all. Sometimes it can be good for another person to be challenged - to do something they don't like. What do you think about that?

And i'm not discounting the strengths a person possesses who does prioritize acting in a way that pleases others. Many aspects of that mindset are worth appreciating.

[Evan]

Originally Posted by toonia

How do you deal with people wanting conflicting things from you?

i weigh loyalties/specifics, and then figure out a way to explain myself to both people. i try to reach the best compromise possible, but i end up factoring myself out too much.

That seems to be a core issue in this - anything a person does will make at least someone like them and another person dislike them.

that's why i play the observer role almost all of the time (except with really close friends) -- if you don't DO anything, you can't do something wrong. when i'm forced to choose a loyalty, i go out of my way to mend any hurt feelings (even if i don't care much about the person). it's a weird compulsion...

The frustration of that can be a first step to letting go of trying to please them all. Sometimes it can be good for another person to be challenged - to do something they don't like. What do you think about that?

i agree. i just have trouble being the one person that says no. i just have a really hard time when someone else gets emotionally involved in some way they want stuff to happen. i figure they want their way more than i want my way. i know i should factor my position in as highly as anyone else's, but i somehow think of myself as different from them all...

[01011010]

Repeat after me: I don't care if everyone likes me. It's a huge drain on my mental and emotional well being. Keep saying that like a mantra until you believe it.

Lather
Rinse
Repeat

[runvardh]

I only need 1 person (female) to like me, the rest can hate me if they really want to. Thankfully I at least have a few good friends though.

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by dissonance

that's why i play the observer role almost all of the time (except with really close friends) -- if you don't DO anything, you can't do something wrong. when i'm forced to choose a loyalty, i go out of my way to mend any hurt feelings (even if i don't care much about the person). it's a weird compulsion...

That's pretty much me. Weird seeing it in writing. I don't often do the mending of hurt feelings but the compulsion is there. I've managed to switch off most of the actions with this, but the thinking processes are still there, although much quieter than they used to be.