Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[disregard]

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

[CaptainChick]

Originally Posted by Dana

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

WORD.

[disregard]

I know the point: power, admiration, praise, attention, envy....

But that's such a hollow and fleeting satisfaction, isn't it?

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by CaptainChick

All I see when I read this is someone who fears themself, their true being and intentions, someone who has an intense fear of being "found out", i.e. "what if the world knew, what if he or she knew, what I *really* thought or felt, how things *really* are?" Perhaps your *nature* is not a light or friendly one, perhaps you have a natural propensity to be mean, and you are hyper-conscious of this fact. Perhaps you are so afraid or ashamed of this fact that you try your hardest to conceal its existence, negate it by acting in opposition to it.

I dunno, just my thoughts.

:/

I can say with confidence that my true nature is to be accepting and empathic. I'm sure there are times when I naturally don't feel that, but the meanness is, like Ivy said, a reaction to something else. It's possible that I'm intolerant of that meanness in front of certain people (whereas here on a forum, it's easier to express because there's --

Hm. Maybe it's that I don't want to be rejected once people know me. On a internet forum it's easier because there's no less intimacy. If people reject me on a site that I have 4 posts at, I couldn't give a shit because they're not really rejecting me; they don't know me. But in RL, or even on this site where I've put in a lot of time, it's a little bit more serious and personal. Still though, I don't see why I wouldn't let myself think certain thoughts about those people. Why's it bad?

The lack of authenticity is accurate, CC, but it goes deeper than that, I think.

Originally Posted by Ivy

Edahn- would you characterize yourself as a child as a "pleaser?" Meaning, did you really do your best to make authority figures proud of you? I did- not because they put undue pressure on me, because they didn't, but because I admired them and wanted them to admire me back.

Yeah, I would probably say I was with school and grades. I was always liked by my teachers too.

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by Edahn

What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?

No, fear of being harmed/fear of death. I know where it comes from and I know it's irrational, so I try not to give into it. Fear of rejection seems easier to overcome than fear of death, from my perspective. Is there anything underneath the fear of rejection for you?

This reaction is strongest for me when people I like and admire and respect dislike me. If I don't like someone, I don't really mind if they don't like me in return (although, if I'm going to be honest, that does sometimes sting a bit - again, irrational).

Originally Posted by Dana

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

I twist myself up in knots with that quite often. The fear of being disliked is quite strong for me because it's tied up with fear of death. Survival >> being authentic (have a look at Maslow's list of needs for example).

[Uberfuhrer]

Originally Posted by Dana

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

Most people are uninteresting and know that about themselves, so they have no choice but to put on a facade.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by bluebell

No, fear of being harmed/fear of death. I know where it comes from and I know it's irrational, so I try not to give into it. Fear of rejection seems easier to overcome than fear of death, from my perspective. Is there anything underneath the fear of rejection for you?

I'm not 100% sure. It might just be a fear that I'm worthless, or a fear of feeling worthless and being sad. Again, not sure. I wonder if people who don't have this problem are less sensitive, or know deep down that they are valuable, or both. Or something else.

It's easy to justify why people are valuable intellectually (or never valuable), but to let it sink deep down is trickier. I think I've always felt value only vicariously through others. Like Ivy was saying about pleasing others.

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by Edahn

I'm not 100% sure. It might just be a fear that I'm worthless, or a fear of feeling worthless and being sad. Again, not sure. I wonder if people who don't have this problem are less sensitive, or know deep down that they are valuable, or both. Or something else.

This is one way I've looked at it for me. If someone important to you disliked you and rejected you - what does that mean/imply for you? (hope I've articulated it well enough, I are not artikulate today)

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by bluebell

This is one way I've looked at it for me. If someone important to you disliked you and rejected you - what does that mean/imply for you? (hope I've articulated it well enough, I are not artikulate today)

I would feel crushed. I can't say what I'd be thinking at that moment, but I'd feel an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and deep hurt.

[disregard]

Originally Posted by bluebell

I twist myself up in knots with that quite often. The fear of being disliked is quite strong for me because it's tied up with fear of death. Survival >> being authentic (have a look at Maslow's list of needs for example).

Ah... yes. I suppose it is very necessary to put on a face if you want to survive. I'm young and without responsibilities, so I forget.. but Edahn is at the age where he has a career, needs to establish and keep a network of contacts, needs to marry, etc, so he cannot simply risk being himself, as I can. He has to "be acceptable" in order to secure the future he desires.

Although, there must be a happy medium.

The question is, is he being too inauthentic to be content with himself? Seems that would be the case.