Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[bluebell]

It's fear that underlies it for me. I know where it comes from and it's irrational, so it's more just getting used to the idea that not everyone needs to like me, and then the fear gradually drops.

[CaptainChick]

Originally Posted by Edahn

There's this thought that I'm doing it for them, whether or not I actually am..

Quit kidding yourself, no you are not.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Dana

Can you expound on both of these?

What is the "it" you refer to...

Before I do that, let me ask a question. What do you think would make me unable to dislike someone?

Originally Posted by bluebell

It's fear that underlies it for me. I know where it comes from and it's irrational, so it's more just getting used to the idea that not everyone needs to like me, and then the fear gradually drops.

What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?

[disregard]

Originally Posted by Edahn

Before I do that, let me ask a question. What do you think would make me unable to dislike someone?

An affinity for mankind?

I'm not saying you shouldn't dislike people.. I'm a bit confused.. But go ahead with your reply. An interesting topic indeed.

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by Dana

An affinity for mankind?

I'm not saying you shouldn't dislike people.. I'm a bit confused.. But go ahead with your reply. An interesting topic indeed.

Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

[CaptainChick]

Originally Posted by Edahn

What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?

Need for positive attention, i.e. affirmation and fear of rejection, those are the underlying motives I think, but then again, I am not you.

You would be doing yourself a disservice by attempting to think or believe that you are acting this way for the benefit of your audience.

I, at times, "contort" or compromise myself to make someone else feel good, but that is an entirely different "issue", one that I don't think you are dealing with here, and one that I don't witness you doing, at least here on the boards.

[CaptainChick]

Originally Posted by Edahn

I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right.

All I see when I read this is someone who fears themself, their true being and intentions, someone who has an intense fear of being "found out", i.e. "what if the world knew, what if he or she knew, what I *really* thought or felt, how things *really* are?" Perhaps your *nature* is not a light or friendly one, perhaps you have a natural propensity to be mean, and you are hyper-conscious of this fact. Perhaps you are so afraid or ashamed of this fact that you try your hardest to conceal its existence, negate it by acting in opposition to it.

I dunno, just my thoughts.

:/

[Ivy]

Edahn- would you characterize yourself as a child as a "pleaser?" Meaning, did you really do your best to make authority figures proud of you? I did- not because they put undue pressure on me, because they didn't, but because I admired them and wanted them to admire me back.

CC, I don't really think (if it's anything like my problem, at least) that this is about "brown-nosing." I don't see Edahn as a brown-noser, in fact if he senses he needs to be critical to be admired, he'll do that (as will I).

[Night]

Originally Posted by Ivy

I don't see Edahn as a brown-noser, in fact if he senses he needs to be critical to be admired, he'll do that (as will I).

This is an important point.

[CaptainChick]

"To be admired"

Yes, an important point, indeed.