Wanting people to like you (need advice) - Page 11

bluemonday · 10-25-2008, 04:03 PM

I am disappointed by this thread.
Also, I don't like you.

I think it's related to the fear of Death. Most people feel that they will cease to exist if other people don't appreciate/value/care for them. They are wrong.

It might be because, as Jennifer has suggested, they haven't developed their own ego/boundaries appropriately. So, they can't be certain where their needs end and the needs/requirements of others begin. The whole thing gets blurry.

I think people tried to bully me at school, I didn't even notice at the time. It was a frustrating experience for them. People have tried to bully me at work. I usually manage to get them fired or expose them in other ways. Revenge is sweet.

My advice: Stop fearing Death!
(and change your X to an I)

Vivid · 10-29-2008, 04:58 AM

Quote:

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

My advice is to actually go with the flow. It's probably a phase. In any case, it's not a good idea to force yourself out of a position that feels natural, even if you know there's something wrong with it (as long as it isn't hurting anyone). The best way to relieve yourself of unwanted behavior is to act out the behavior until you no longer feel the need to be that way.
OR find out exactly what it is that you want and get right to the heart of the matter. Why are you seeking this kind of attention? Were you deprived of it? What kind of options do you have for attaining it?
The basic idea is to satisfy whatever it is your craving. That's what being authentic is all about!

Condor · 11-05-2008, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edahn

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

It seems to me that there is a fundamental flaw in the thought process here with regard to "disappointing other people". How, exactly, can anyone know exactly what another human being wants - especially if the person is trying to be something they're not, in an attempt to please or not ruin a relationship with another person, who is just as likely being something they're not?

Seems like one heck of a house of cards.

My advice - be honest with yourself. I know it sounds trite and been posted all over here, but I believe in it wholeheartedly. I can appreciate your desire to not want to disappoint people (even though I don't ascribe to it), but keep one thing in mind.

Never disappoint yourself. Try to maintain that relationship. If you can't, then does anything else really matter?

ewomack · 11-06-2008, 04:02 PM

Reality is polymorphous, and so are relationships. Some never make any sense whatsoever but nonetheless flourish while others that seem rock solid vaporize in an eye blink. As you surf this strange realm of language and gestures, you're going to disappoint someone. Inevitably. If you don't you're either not being true to yourself or to others. People need to define their own boundaries, which will likely remain somewhat squishy, around good and bad interactions and relationships. Only by using these as a baseline can you ever know if a balance exists between "you" and "them."

I think everyone has experienced some variation on what you describe here. Count me in. After agonizing for some time I had a strange revelation... I said to myself I said "how do I know I have or have not disappointed someone?" Obviously, if they come right out and slam you with the parental line "you disappoint me" then you have your answer. But most relationships on this molten pud don't carry that kind of transparency. Some people will NEVER tell you when they're "upset" with you, even if you prompt them bajillions of times and open the gate so wide the hinges bend. Others disappoint easily (I think we've all met these types of people) and do "disappointing" them doesn't, or shouldn't, reflect back on the alleged disappointer.

In the end, empathy is key. Unfortunately, we don't have empathy switches we can simply flick on when needed. So sometimes we get empathetically sloppy. Human condition stuff. This creative act can help someone find their own boundaries and help to determine others. You really can't do more than that. You will fail. You will succeed. Likely, you'll fail more than you succeed. But we've all been there. Just keep searching for people you fit with and you'll worry a whole lot less about those you don't fit with. The important thing is to take the failures in stride.

GargoylesLegacy · 11-07-2008, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Wanting people to like you

Actually I used to have this Problem too. I would do Anything to make them like me but all it does it work you up. You lose yourself, don't know anymore who you are in the End. And somewhen I just had to face, that you can't ALL People make like you. This is freaking impossible, even if you would constantly change for Every1.
Seriously, all it does is tear you apart and slowly kill you on the Inside.

Also...I once read a nice Saying:
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than to be loved for who I am not"

I know, it probably isn't such a good Advice, because I know that it is freaking hard to "just stop" or "take it easier" (also I am not even sure if you would actually want to), but you should keep that in Mind at least. You can't please / satisfy Everybody.
And it is normal to want Attention, Praise and Stuff like that. But you should gotta have an Eye on the Costs for it.

luminous beam · 12-24-2008, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edahn

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

Aw Edhan, I'm sure most of us can relate to what you're saying in some way or another. What I'm getting from all that you've said is that you're insecure and have a fear of being alone and rejected or abandoned. Aside from it being affected by your childhood and social experiences while growing up, the extent of the pressure or expectations you have for yourself could also be affected by your environment.

This may, or may not be correct, but I noticed that you're from Southern California and that just makes me think that fitting in there is very important...having lots of friends and acquaintances, having a social life and being "fabulous" is expected or looked greatly upon.

So with you already being insecure due to past experiences and living in a socially demanding place made you raise your expectations of yourself in regards to having lots of "friends." But in order to maintain that, since you're unsure of yourself, don't want to be alone and fit into your society's norms, your way of making that happen is to be agreeable to everyone you come across to the extent of being fake. Except you don't want to be fake or unauthentic, so rather than just pretend, you've gone to the extent of trying to not even think negative thoughts about others so that the being agreeable part is more genuine.

They're not just insecurities, but you also do sound like you have a good heart and care about others enough that you don't want to hurt or disappoint. Anyway, insecurities can definitely be boiled down to how much you like or dislike yourself...it's been something I'm working on (I think this is why I have a hard time accepting other NFs into my life and why I've surrounded myself with STs, off topic). Here's a site that a friend linked me to that reminded me of what needs to be done and mended to make up for what wasn't provided to you when you needed it. Reparenting

Also your inner critic is usually your harshest critic, and the voice usually coincides with one of our parents. Negativity needs to stop, you must unarm the critic and accept and love yourself. Easier said than done...crazy right?

Kai · 12-24-2008, 05:46 PM

Oh snap! This thread revealed something new to me. I haven't really seen much solution to it though

It seems to be one of those things... You have to realise on an emotional level rather than an intellectual level.

Core beliefs:
- The need to be perfect.

This might sound crazy but looking back on my life. Alot of things come from this belief such as:

- My developed interest in psychology and philosophy.
-- Searching for truth/Ethics/Religion

- Dislike of disappointing others.
- Focus on helping out others.

- The desire for altruism.
- The belief that we should be authentic.

Now this is where the problems start happening.

- Failure leads to feelings of inadaquecy [Perfectionist procrastinators anyone?]
- Self-Value attached to our sense of how well we are doing.
- Avoidance of problems [Ultimately self-sabotaging]
- The problem of desiring authenticity/not being authentic.

If I'm perfect. I'm less likely to be rejected.
My parents would like me to do well. [Interpreted that as desiring perfection]

I want to be loved taken too far perhaps.

Rainman · 01-14-2009, 11:57 AM

Yeah, I tend to not give a toss what people think of me. If they don't like you or have a problem its their problem not yours. As they seem to have a set person who they like or don't and can't flex. I guess the only time when it is your fault is if you start altering your behaviour and personality to fit with others. Don't do that, it's obvious to people. Plus when you're absolutely genuine with everyone, social life is much easier and people gain a natural respect for you.

MrME · 01-21-2009, 03:55 AM

If you run around seeking everybody's approval, eventually somebody's going to recognize it as a weakness and they will exploit it. This could be somebody you just met or it could be somebody you've trusted for years and years. You just don't know.

The need to feel approval from everybody you meet is irrational. Not everybody is worth your precious time, and you need to remember that. When I get pangs of rejection-fear I stop and I ask myself:

"If this person rejects me, will it directly impact my life negatively?"

Aside from possibly not making a new friend, the answer is almost always, "No, the quality of my life will remain right where it is."

It can suck if, you know, you're looking at somebody as a possible mate and they reject you, but still ... "the quality of my life will remain right where it is."

No better off, no worse.

WithoutaFace · 01-21-2009, 05:57 AM

Well Edahn, I am going to say what I think and I hope it helps you in some way. I guess you have to find some way to be less dependent on validation and approval of others. I can recalls some days where I experience similar affect. Most of the time, however, if there is a part of my instinct that is telling me that if I have to TRY to please someone, then it really is not worth my time, we should like each other for who we are. When speaking about intimate relationships however, this concept is a little more difficult to apply for me. I tend to become irrational when attracted/infatuated by another. Therefore, the need to please becomes amplified. But essentially, in the end you just have to lay down the pros and cons and assess whether the other people you are trying to please are worth your time to begin with. Basically what I am trying to say is that complaisance is your enemy here.

That was my opinion and take on the issue, I apologize in advance for any bullshit, doggerel, etc.

11-06-2008, 04:02 PM	#104 (permalink)
ewomack Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Type: ENTJ Posts: 26	Reality is polymorphous, and so are relationships. Some never make any sense whatsoever but nonetheless flourish while others that seem rock solid vaporize in an eye blink. As you surf this strange realm of language and gestures, you're going to disappoint someone. Inevitably. If you don't you're either not being true to yourself or to others. People need to define their own boundaries, which will likely remain somewhat squishy, around good and bad interactions and relationships. Only by using these as a baseline can you ever know if a balance exists between "you" and "them." I think everyone has experienced some variation on what you describe here. Count me in. After agonizing for some time I had a strange revelation... I said to myself I said "how do I know I have or have not disappointed someone?" Obviously, if they come right out and slam you with the parental line "you disappoint me" then you have your answer. But most relationships on this molten pud don't carry that kind of transparency. Some people will NEVER tell you when they're "upset" with you, even if you prompt them bajillions of times and open the gate so wide the hinges bend. Others disappoint easily (I think we've all met these types of people) and do "disappointing" them doesn't, or shouldn't, reflect back on the alleged disappointer. In the end, empathy is key. Unfortunately, we don't have empathy switches we can simply flick on when needed. So sometimes we get empathetically sloppy. Human condition stuff. This creative act can help someone find their own boundaries and help to determine others. You really can't do more than that. You will fail. You will succeed. Likely, you'll fail more than you succeed. But we've all been there. Just keep searching for people you fit with and you'll worry a whole lot less about those you don't fit with. The important thing is to take the failures in stride. __________________ Ed Womack Get Milked

01-21-2009, 03:55 AM	#109 (permalink)
MrME Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Type: INFJ Location: Minnesota, USA Posts: 370	If you run around seeking everybody's approval, eventually somebody's going to recognize it as a weakness and they will exploit it. This could be somebody you just met or it could be somebody you've trusted for years and years. You just don't know. The need to feel approval from everybody you meet is irrational. Not everybody is worth your precious time, and you need to remember that. When I get pangs of rejection-fear I stop and I ask myself: "If this person rejects me, will it directly impact my life negatively?" Aside from possibly not making a new friend, the answer is almost always, "No, the quality of my life will remain right where it is." It can suck if, you know, you're looking at somebody as a possible mate and they reject you, but still ... "the quality of my life will remain right where it is." No better off, no worse. __________________ INFJ 4w5 Last edited by MrME; 01-24-2009 at 12:48 AM.

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10-25-2008, 04:03 PM	#101 (permalink)
bluemonday Thought Stylist Join Date: Sep 2008 Type: intp Location: The deep end Posts: 4,072	I am disappointed by this thread. Also, I don't like you. I think it's related to the fear of Death. Most people feel that they will cease to exist if other people don't appreciate/value/care for them. They are wrong. It might be because, as Jennifer has suggested, they haven't developed their own ego/boundaries appropriately. So, they can't be certain where their needs end and the needs/requirements of others begin. The whole thing gets blurry. I think people tried to bully me at school, I didn't even notice at the time. It was a frustrating experience for them. People have tried to bully me at work. I usually manage to get them fired or expose them in other ways. Revenge is sweet. My advice: Stop fearing Death! (and change your X to an I)

12-24-2008, 05:46 PM	#107 (permalink)
Kai Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Type: ISFJ Posts: 594	Oh snap! This thread revealed something new to me. I haven't really seen much solution to it though It seems to be one of those things... You have to realise on an emotional level rather than an intellectual level. Core beliefs: - The need to be perfect. This might sound crazy but looking back on my life. Alot of things come from this belief such as: - My developed interest in psychology and philosophy. -- Searching for truth/Ethics/Religion - Dislike of disappointing others. - Focus on helping out others. - The desire for altruism. - The belief that we should be authentic. Now this is where the problems start happening. - Failure leads to feelings of inadaquecy [Perfectionist procrastinators anyone?] - Self-Value attached to our sense of how well we are doing. - Avoidance of problems [Ultimately self-sabotaging] - The problem of desiring authenticity/not being authentic. If I'm perfect. I'm less likely to be rejected. My parents would like me to do well. [Interpreted that as desiring perfection] I want to be loved taken too far perhaps.

01-14-2009, 11:57 AM	#108 (permalink)
Rainman Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Type: INTP Location: Nowhere and everywhere! Posts: 197	Yeah, I tend to not give a toss what people think of me. If they don't like you or have a problem its their problem not yours. As they seem to have a set person who they like or don't and can't flex. I guess the only time when it is your fault is if you start altering your behaviour and personality to fit with others. Don't do that, it's obvious to people. Plus when you're absolutely genuine with everyone, social life is much easier and people gain a natural respect for you.

01-21-2009, 05:57 AM	#110 (permalink)
WithoutaFace Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Type: INTJ Posts: 269	Well Edahn, I am going to say what I think and I hope it helps you in some way. I guess you have to find some way to be less dependent on validation and approval of others. I can recalls some days where I experience similar affect. Most of the time, however, if there is a part of my instinct that is telling me that if I have to TRY to please someone, then it really is not worth my time, we should like each other for who we are. When speaking about intimate relationships however, this concept is a little more difficult to apply for me. I tend to become irrational when attracted/infatuated by another. Therefore, the need to please becomes amplified. But essentially, in the end you just have to lay down the pros and cons and assess whether the other people you are trying to please are worth your time to begin with. Basically what I am trying to say is that complaisance is your enemy here. That was my opinion and take on the issue, I apologize in advance for any bullshit, doggerel, etc.