Maladaptive Perfectionism

[Magic Poriferan]

You rang?

Originally Posted by Kiddo

Any fellow sufferers out there? Do you think INJs are especially prone to this "disorder"?

The Confession

I judge myself so harshly for my mistakes. I remember errors as far back as 2nd grade and continue to feel shame and embarrassment for them. I set vague impossible goals that I have no hope of achieving and then feel great disappointment when I don't achieve them. I end up paralyzed when it comes to starting new tasks because I have to get it just right and that leads to a pattern of procrastination. And of course, I do the self deprecation thing in order to get sympathy and affirmation from others. At times it seems I can't get anything started unless I am on the verge of a break down from the stress and anxiety.

Yes, that that sounds very close ot me. I honestly remember incorrect answers to trivia questions from over five years ago. If anything is different, it's that I wouldn't say I self-deprecate for sympathy. I mean, you know, when I'm trouble, it doesn't really help to have someone say "oh, you poor thing". Affirmation can also be a bad thing, depending on how it's given. I want help. Most of all, I just want acceptance. I want someone to tell me that it's okay if I don't get things right.

Originally Posted by Kiddo

I've been like this since I failed and had to repeat 1st grade. My "all or nothing" thinking is something I have tried to combat in the past, but when you have thinking this way since you were very young, it is second nature

Can't seem to place a time or reason for it starting. It goes back to my childhood to a large extent, but I think it got worse in my teens. I've thought a lot about how my family environment might have nurtured this mentality in me, but I generally say a lot of it must be nature.

[ygolo]

I have perfectionist tendencies. I think anyone who read part of my "personal thread," would have seen it to be abundantly clear.

The cycle is almost exactly the same as yours, Kiddo.

Unfortunately, my perfectionism is deeply intertwined with my ability to "work deeply."

In otherwords, to achieve flow, I need to try to be perfect, brcause perfection is a much simpler goal to provide feedback against than a more ambiguous but realistic one.

If I can
(1) decouple my internal feedback mechanism needed for flow from "perfectionism" (really my own subjective image of "perfect") and
(2) recouple the internal feedback to a more realistic (and therefore more complex) image,
basically all the negative effects go away.

Most of the time however, the more complex imperfect image needed for feedback (and the feedback it self) is hard to focus on enough to achieve flow.

So I end up doing some half-baked, half-arsed, last-minute, "phone-it-in" type work. It is really deflating for an NT like myself.