Just Being "Nice"

[toonia]

How can one tell the difference when you are showing deeper personal connections vs. lighter social exchanges? Sometimes people who have a habit of being pleasant can attempt to express something meaningful only to be dismissed as "being nice". How do you differentiate the two approaches to people?

For myself I can see a few ways that line can be blurred externally, but inside my mind the difference is clear. Sometimes it is depressing to think you are dismissed for something important you attempted to say. It bothers me to think that I can show similar acts that mean different things. One reason for this is a desire not to pressure the person receiving the compliment/gift. When I feel a deeper connection I'm actually holding back. I want to say that when I create something for someone, there is a meaningful connection, but that actually isn't always the case. There have been a few times someone was a source of inspiration, but experienced in a distant manner. I want to say that if I bother to seek the person out that it is telling, but I will seek out new, random people at times to give them a pick-me-up. Any of these things are done with meaning, but not necessarily with an "inner-circle" connection. I suppose for me the most telling expression has to do with consistency - of seeking the person out, making myself available to them, creating something inspired by them, on a more ongoing basis. I probably make myself a bit more vulnerable to an "inner circle" person as well. Actually that part about making myself available for them to communicate with me is pretty telling.

Anyway, how does it work for you?

[wolfmaiden14]

The consistency thing is true for me too. The difference between doing something once to cheer someone up and doing a whole lot of things to show I care over a period of time.

Also, one can usually tell with me if I try to make conversation or stick around afterwards. Do I just drop a note, or a gift and then am off on my way? Or do I stick around to MAKE that deeper connection and find out what else is going on in their life and what their feelings are and figure out when I can see them again. I'd say it's all in the body language with me. I can be nervous and quiet even if I do really care for someone, but if I don't want to connect I'm really cold, short and flighty, and it's usually obvious I want to move on to something else. At least.. I think so.

[toonia]

Originally Posted by wolfmaiden14

Also, one can usually tell with me if I try to make conversation or stick around afterwards. Do I just drop a note, or a gift and then am off on my way?

Ha. Well I do a hit-and-run thing if I leave a present or compliment which does mean a lot and that makes me feel vulnerable I work up the courage, just do it, and then run like hell. Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

[wolfmaiden14]

Originally Posted by toonia

Ha. Well I do a hit-and-run thing if I leave a present or compliment which does mean a lot and that makes me feel vulnerable I work up the courage, just do it, and then run like hell. Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

Hahaha. Usually if I care about someone that much, I know them well enough to say things to their face.

That's a good strategy though.

[Mempy]

Hmm. For any given action you take, there is probably at least one person who interprets it wrong.

I know what you’re saying. I wouldn’t want someone to confuse the meaning of any of my actions, but that’s probably inevitable. You’re talking specifically about someone confusing a deep gesture of reaching-out with just a casual (but pleasant) compliment, right? For me, I’m not as worried that that will happen, and even if it does – if I want to connect with someone or I really admire someone, I won’t just compliment them once. While I know them, there will probably be dozens of signs that I really like them as a person and enjoy their company. Which is what you were saying, right?

I suppose for me the most telling expression has to do with consistency - of seeking the person out, making myself available to them, creating something inspired by them, on a more ongoing basis.

I do think this is more telling. They’ll get the picture, if they’re special to you.

Interesting topic.

Although I return later if the person is important to me, and peek back in sheepishly with feigned nonchalantness to make sure I didn't make some crazy mess of things.

LOL.

[whatever]

I generally try and be nice annonymously because I don't WANT for anyone to think that I'm nice! I'll hold doors for people, help change tires and such but I try to keep the topic on something else because I being thanked actually embarasses me

I do love to randomly chat with strangers though- nothing too deep, just a nice conversation on our dogs, the price of lettuce or what our favorite city to visit is!

[samIam]

I just keep such personal feelings to myself and if they get the hint through some means than its cool if not then I keep it to myself.

[toonia]

Originally Posted by wolfmaiden14

Hahaha. Usually if I care about someone that much, I know them well enough to say things to their face.

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks. It's better than my typical pattern of doing nothing. I'm used to having the hope of connecting to someone end in flops or just fizzles, so it's okay in the end. It is still a good feeling to offer something sincere just for its own moment.

And whatever, I definitely admire that ability to be able to talk and connect to others easily.

[Mempy]

Originally Posted by toonia

And whatever, I definitely admire that ability to be able to talk and connect to others easily.

Same! I thought this was refreshingly outgoing! ->

I do love to randomly chat with strangers though- nothing too deep, just a nice conversation on our dogs, the price of lettuce or what our favorite city to visit is!

And I can really relate to this:

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks. It's better than my typical pattern of doing nothing. I'm used to having the hope of connecting to someone end in flops or just fizzles, so it's okay in the end. It is still a good feeling to offer something sincere just for its own moment.

So to you both.

[wolfmaiden14]

Originally Posted by toonia

That is of course the better and more reasoned way. I don't often connect to others, so have learned to take risks.

I don't know if it's better. What I mean is that I'm totally cold until I've already gotten to know and trust someone. I practically ignore them until then. I admire you for having the spine to go for it before you're that comfortable!

Whatever - I don't get that. I can understand being bashful about compliments, and even preferring good deeds to go un noticed. But why would people not want to be seen as nice people? You really want people to think you're mean?