- I think the reason you don't see accidental vulnerability is because I'm generally a pretty open person? Of course, the things I do try to hide I'm extremely persistent about covering. Which would be 3ish, I suppose.
- How would you define losing your cool? I guess I must just have a longer fuse then I perceive. Either that or I'm really good at sorting through my internal explosions of feelings before expressing them.
- Yes on the integration/disintegration. I definitely have a strong 6 fix, so that would make sense. And when I disintegrate I get really conflict avoidant and apathetic, which would be the worst of a 9.
My conclusion from both of your responses, and a lot of conversations I've had with friends lately: I do an exceptional job of looking like I have my shit together even when inside I feel like the world is ending. I think this is for two reasons: 1) My expectations for myself are too high, I make too many decisions based on what I think I "should" be doing. My version of losing my shit is most people's normal. 2) I must subconsciously want to appear composed and somehow manage to pull that off. Even when I was practically suicidal in high school most people had no idea I was depressed.