A Question for All the INTx gentlemen

[Uytuun]

In analogy to the thread for the INTx women, here's one where you guys can talk about how you experience the world of love and dating and so forth.

Original questions:

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk frat boy slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool guys women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

(any gay members just unthink the strikethrough)

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

Open up those hearts. :p

[colmena]

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk, slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

Maybe three or four times in the last five years.

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

Push them away (see below). Why would I see them as idiots if they can 'tell how cool' I am 'inside'?

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

I don't think I could ever be good enough for the kind of person I would be best suited to. This would make me push them away as they deserve someone better.

I don't want to be mothered by a kind Fe, so I expect I'll need to do some self-improvement before I can find any degree of happiness/love.

I do think I'm a bit of a hidden gem, though. And do believe I could be loved; just not as I am now. I think it's an Fi/P thing which I have in abundance.

[Priam]

Originally Posted by Uytuun

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk frat boy slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool guys women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

Once or twice. The feedback I've gotten from people is that I'm not easily read so folks don't feel comfortable just walking up and hitting on me, especially since the airheads most likely to use obvious lines aren't likely to find me physically appealing anyhow. Instead folks try to radiate signals that I'm too oblivious to pick up til waaay later! It's tragic. Weep for me

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

Mostly they just don't approach, but when they do I also tend to go uber-vigilant. It works on two levels: if I'm initially attracted, I tend to turn on the dorky charm externally while internally searching for flaws in their responses. The result of such serious mixed signals, let's say, is rarely healthy.

[colmena]

I've never been actually hit-on. Although, I'm not completely sure what that is.


In my response, I meant unsolicited female interest that I was aware of. So that could be someone I've known for years coming on to me.

[spirilis]

Originally Posted by Uytuun

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

I've been hit on, oh, maybe twice in my entire life. (Talking about IRL experiences here, specifically) Once was by a friend's sister who was interested in me, and she could already tell what kind of person I was mentally, but I had to cut her loose 'cause I definitely wasn't interested in her and ironically this happened during the rare time of my life that I actually was in a reasonably long-ish relationship.

The other was some drunk airhead who approached me at a tiki bar down in Florida when I was on vacation. I was playing the "lone outcast" card by sitting on some white bench that everyone else seemed to have abandoned. She was definitely drunk and just looking for attention (later on I noticed she had a boyfriend, so she was *definitely* just drunk and looking for attention).
I'm still somewhat amused how well the "lone outcast" pose worked in that situation.

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

I don't have much to go by here, but I think my answer depends on the person. If the person's a straight out idiot (you know, the kind anyone would spot) I'll reject them right away, but beyond that I'll hear them out with serious interest.
Beyond those 2 rare experiences above, I've never have people approach me at *all*, and if women have tried to flirt or look at me suggestively before then I either didn't pick it up, or may have figured they were looking for random attention with no serious intent.

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

I thought this way a long time ago but I believe these thoughts were more or less spawned from insecurities surrounding a bad experience I had in college. My ex really helped set my head straight with most things related to love and feelings, and I've learned more from a couple of close friends of mine (highly empathetic ENTJ/INFP married couple). So those feelings of "unlovableness" have been shed and burned at the stake with a couple gallons of naptha.

That said, a close male friend of mine (INTJ) expresses these "unlovableness" feelings all the time, so I wonder if it is an INTJ thing...

[Wolf]

Girls:

Originally Posted by Uytuun

how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside.

Rarely. I have been told I'm intimidating and unapproachable. In the past this was probably more true than it is now, although I've grown far less attractive over that time, too.

The ones that are cool don't usually need to hit on guys because they're constantly hit on by guys. They disregard pitiful guys like me, or don't notice at all. The ones that are in demand don't need to make an effort. If they do, they're subtle enough that I am not sure whether it was a hit or just a friendly comment, so I assume it's the least, just in case. So-far, it's been correct most of the time.

They have a lot less danger in hitting, too. I was hit on quite openly and blatantly by a female coworker a while back, and I never said anything. If a guy did this with a girl, he'd probably lose his job...

Boys:

how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk frat boy saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool guys that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside.

More often than with girls by quite a margin, at least three-to-one. They're generally cold-hits, like EXXP girls like to do (they're probably EXXP guys, in fact), so I shoot them down or disregard them in roughly the same manner. However, it's a little more difficult with guys you know better and that actually do know "how cool you really are inside", since they're so much more direct than straight girls, which rules out the ambiguity defense I use with them. In this case, I try to redirect the conversation or give them the "you know I don't swing that way" line. They usually have a pretty smooth comeback, though.

Girls:

Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do?

Generally, they don't approach. Again, I've been told that I'm quite intimidating. I had a standing decision not to push them away starting in my mid-teens, but gave up on that around 23, since the only two that clearly approached and made an effort were bad news. Still, I usually don't push them away unless they're clearly drunken slutty airheads, but most are too timid to come out and say something unless they fit into that category.

Boys:

Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do?

Due to my perspective, it's not very easy to answer this. Men operate among themselves in a completely different manner, resulting in subtle hits being mostly joking or easily disregarded. Most of the time I only deal with men, which skews this even further, because I could be hit on very often and never realize it.

In spite of this, I like to mess with my most homophobic coworker, who believes I might be homosexual. I hugged him in Saudi Arabia, and now he's freakishly uncertain about me.

Girls:

Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them...

It matters on the approach. I usually assume people are intelligent until they prove otherwise. The fact that most will fall far below this doesn't mean I won't give them the benefit of the doubt at first.

Boys:

Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them...

They're not getting anywhere, so from the relationship perspective there is no hope to begin with. There is a double standard here, though. If you're a girl, you don't want to start out with an attempt at a relationship because if you're shot down you won't even get a shot at friendship, you're just forever dead to me. With guys, regardless of the lead-in, they can end up friends. So, if you're a girl and want to try with me, it's better to take a shot at friendship first, then move to relationship later, as you might make it back to friendship afterward (hasn't happened yet - they always go directly into the dead-to-me category (only one was a friend beforehand, though)).

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

Yes. My review of myself indicates that I'm unsuitable for someone else, particularly someone I would be comfortable with. This generally places a detrimental cloud of negative expectation over it. They have to prove that they actually want me, which is probably not worth it to the vast majority of women, especially those that are good enough, since they have plenty of other (certainly better) options available.

With guys it never gets to this point, so I didn't split the answers.

[InaF3157]

Originally Posted by Wolf

The ones that are cool don't usually need to hit on guys because they're constantly hit on by guys.

Unless they only like the quiet guys or are the INTx women who do not like guys who hit on them . . . (See, e.g., the female equivalent of this thread).

[Wolf]

Originally Posted by IF3157

Unless they only like the quiet guys or are the INTx women who do not like guys who hit on them . . . (See, e.g., the female equivalent of this thread).

But we don't meet them because we're all introverts.

I believe there was some identified pattern with it, too - INTX women (particularly INTJs) marry within their type, while the males more often marry outside.

[kelric]

Originally Posted by Uytuun

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk frat boy slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool guys women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

Hmm... I think I recall that happening once, maybe 10-11 years ago. The situation just doesn't come up very often, and it's altogether possible that I've not noticed sincere interest or explained it away in terms of "she's just being nice/friendly".

(Yeah, and I blew that chance 10-11 years ago - she asked me if I'd like to leave the bar we were at and get something to eat with her and a few friends, and as it was already midnight and I had to be in the lab the next morning, I said that I couldn't... only later thinking about what was going on, and that I should at least have proposed "maybe another time?" Oh well .).

Originally Posted by Uytuun

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

Hard to say. From my point of view, I just don't get approached (but I know that I tend to be fairly oblivious to such things as well). I'm not often in a position to *be* approached - I'm not terribly social, and when I'm in public places I generally am either with friends or involved in another "don't bug me" activity (reading a book on the train, etc.). Pushing away is a reflex - well... not pushing away so much as pulling back, but I tend to do that when approached in any fashion by someone I don't know. I don't think I'm quick to judge people as "idiots" - it's more that I'm *very* slow to decide if I want to act at all, and combined with the pulling back, that tends to end chances before they get started.

Originally Posted by Uytuun

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

Hmm... not an INTJ, but I have those thoughts now and then. It's not so much "I'm unlovable" as "I'm not likely to find love, given the following circumstances, barriers, and personal characteristics (sigh)." Occasionally I get the "there's nothing wrong with me, but why would anyone find anything notably exceptional in *me*, when there are all of those other great folks out there too?" thoughts. I think that's just normal infrequent bouts of insecurity though, nothing really type-specific.

[Didums]

Originally Posted by Uytuun

"how often do you get hit on? I am not talking about the drunk frat boy slutty airhead saying you look [dorky-]cute, but some seriously cool guys women that can look into you and tell how cool you really are inside."

Not often, usually just the random person at school that yells "You're hot" when I walk by with my Ipod on (its always on).

"Do they really just not approach, or do you push them away after they do? Also, do you judge people too quickly and label them as idiots before they have a chance to show the real them..."

I push'm away, I'm INTP what do you expect? I very often judge people as "incapable of intelligent conversation".

One of the things that got unearthed in the female thread is a distinct blend of INTJ insecrutiy that came down to not believing they could really be loved. Does this idea have a male counterpart?

I can be loved, but I'm very picky, and most people don't know what really pleases me (not sexual jeez u pervs).