INTJs as Parents - Page 3

creativeRhino · 06-07-2008, 03:33 PM

I'm an oldie female intj- who has been married but never had kids and I've got a few INTJ friends and most have not had kids, or if they do it is really thoroughly planned or really a "surprise" - not much in between.

I'm a "nerdy girl" not a "girly girl" as one of my friends puts it so well...

When I was young, my biggest fear was getting pregnant when I wasn't ready. Then marriage one failed without having kids, and then in marriage 2 a prior vasectomy didn't get a successful reversal. Frankly I was relieved. I am very nervous around babies. I really even had trouble with my sister's kids until they were 8+ years old. My niece is in her teens and we get along really really well now on lots of levels.

2 other INTJ females I know have the same ambivalence (wanting them to some degree in theory but terrified of practice) so I think it could be something INTJs are prone to having as a trait/temperament thing. I'm sure that if they had kids they'd make great mothers, but maybe not fit the idea of "typical" or "ideal" mothers - that's what my 2nd husband said about the sort of mother I'd have been.

Aerithria · 06-08-2008, 12:59 AM

I'd be a terrible parent myself. I can only hypothesize as to what it'd be like, but I'm known for going hours on end without eating, sleeping, etc. because I was too wrapped up in whatever I was interested in at the time, and I'm no expert in kids but I think that paying attention to their needs is important. I'm too afraid that I'd abandon them while I was pursuing my own intellectual needs.

I'm generally odd about kids in general though. While I am female, I have no desire for children at all, and my friends have already barred me from babysitting, holding, spending time alone with, etc. any kid that they may ever have.

scantilyclad · 06-08-2008, 05:23 AM

Parenting came very naturally to me, the first time i saw my baby i finally really knew what love is, and its a beautiful thing. I initially thought i would be a horrible parent, and wouldn't know what to do, and would often feel overwhelmed, but instead my life just began to revolve around my son and i became a happier person in general with him in my life.

I also thought that i never wanted children. I used to always say that I will NEVER have children, but then i got pregnant and had to face being a parent, and i'm glad that i am one, because its really the only thing i'm good at!

My boyfriend however was definitely not a natural parent. He didn't hold our son until about 3 weeks after he was born because he was afraid he would break him, so there is quite a contrast there.

Uytuun · 06-10-2008, 11:46 PM

Hmmm...I have an INTJ father (albeit a mild variant) and although he has always been a good dad, I find that as we got older, he really started to shine as a parent. My ESFJ mother is of practically no use to us now, but dad is great. He's open-minded, supportive without being clingy, he treats us like the adults we are, we have interesting discussions etc. Neither my brother nor myself have really rebelled, but I have this suspicion that having an INTJ on your parenting team might be very helpful in times of teenage rebellion.

My father was a natural parent AFAIK, but I would also go with the shock therapy, have him spend time alone (no supervision on your part) with the child and reassure him that he can also bring something to the table when it comes to raising children, even if it's not in the traditional nurturing style.

entropie · 06-11-2008, 12:04 AM

Quote:

My ESFJ mother is of practically no use to us now

poor mum... maybe you should think about usefulness in comparing usefulness of genetics to the general SJ worlds sensory masterplan of usefulness xD

Guess some tears will roll then xD

SquirrelTao · 06-12-2008, 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scantilyclad

Parenting came very naturally to me, the first time i saw my baby i finally really knew what love is, and its a beautiful thing. I initially thought i would be a horrible parent, and wouldn't know what to do, and would often feel overwhelmed, but instead my life just began to revolve around my son and i became a happier person in general with him in my life.

I felt desperate, overwhelmed and exhausted in the first days, and I barely managed in the early weeks. It took me about five weeks to begin to really enjoy my baby. I still look forward to his getting older, more independent and more fun; but I am trying to enjoy his baby phases the short time they are going to last. I get tired of him being so relentlessly dependent and giving me so little me time. But now that he's getting more smiley and less fussy, he's more enjoyable. I just wish I had some help to get a break from him sometimes. Then I think I'd appreciate and enjoy him more when I came back to him.

SquirrelTao · 06-12-2008, 01:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uytuun

Neither my brother nor myself have really rebelled, but I have this suspicion that having an INTJ on your parenting team might be very helpful in times of teenage rebellion.

I have that hunch, too. I think he'll be a natural at disciplining without being authoritarian. I think he'll use humor a lot to set boundaries. But I also worry he might get too critical and do harm to self-esteem. He can be a pretty scathing critic.

Was your father critical? Did he ever hurt your feelings or make you feel put down?

Ishida · 06-12-2008, 03:35 AM

I haven't any children of my own, but I had that response(avoidance) when I had to deal with my nephews. Eventually I actually became the trustworthy babysitter. I kind of had to ask every little detail of what I had to do, though.

scantilyclad · 06-12-2008, 05:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SquirrelTao

I felt desperate, overwhelmed and exhausted in the first days, and I barely managed in the early weeks. It took me about five weeks to begin to really enjoy my baby. I still look forward to his getting older, more independent and more fun; but I am trying to enjoy his baby phases the short time they are going to last. I get tired of him being so relentlessly dependent and giving me so little me time. But now that he's getting more smiley and less fussy, he's more enjoyable. I just wish I had some help to get a break from him sometimes. Then I think I'd appreciate and enjoy him more when I came back to him.

It is and will be very important that you get a break from him sometimes. Even the most natural mothers still need a break, and you do appreciate and enjoy them more when you are having a short break from them. I was also lucky to have family stay with me for the first couple of weeks after my son was born, which was helpful since i was recovering from a c-section. I understand feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I get overwhelmed by him sometimes, especially since he started getting teeth, and learned to crawl and pull up on things. I am very exhausted by the end of the day. I find myself REALLY missing those days when he was just a baby and i could just hold him and feed him a bottle. Those days are long gone. It doesn't get any easier! I'm sure you are a wonderful mother. You are giving all of your time to your baby, and that is a very selfless thing to do. Your husband will warm up to parenting soon, even if its a few months away, and you can have some time to yourself.

Uytuun · 06-13-2008, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Was your father critical? Did he ever hurt your feelings or make you feel put down?

No, never. He's always been supportive and understanding while also remaining objective and honest, also for my ESTP bro. He's rather F for a T, though, I think. My father is a much more selfless person than my mother. I have a friend with a father that I would type as ESTJ and that does the lowering self-esteem thing, it's dreadful.

On usefulness and my mother: it's a bad translation of a much more fitting term in Dutch. The fact remains that she's not really my kind of person.

06-08-2008, 05:23 AM	#23 (permalink)
scantilyclad almost nekkid Join Date: Aug 2007 Type: INFP Location: Where Everything is Bigger. Posts: 1,800	Parenting came very naturally to me, the first time i saw my baby i finally really knew what love is, and its a beautiful thing. I initially thought i would be a horrible parent, and wouldn't know what to do, and would often feel overwhelmed, but instead my life just began to revolve around my son and i became a happier person in general with him in my life. I also thought that i never wanted children. I used to always say that I will NEVER have children, but then i got pregnant and had to face being a parent, and i'm glad that i am one, because its really the only thing i'm good at! My boyfriend however was definitely not a natural parent. He didn't hold our son until about 3 weeks after he was born because he was afraid he would break him, so there is quite a contrast there. __________________ INFP 4w5 Myspace The pain won't let me get away.

06-12-2008, 03:35 AM	#28 (permalink)
Ishida Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Type: INTJ Location: North Eastern Ohio Posts: 126	I haven't any children of my own, but I had that response(avoidance) when I had to deal with my nephews. Eventually I actually became the trustworthy babysitter. I kind of had to ask every little detail of what I had to do, though. __________________ What a waste of life..

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06-07-2008, 03:33 PM	#21 (permalink)
creativeRhino Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Type: INTJ Location: Australia Posts: 113	I'm an oldie female intj- who has been married but never had kids and I've got a few INTJ friends and most have not had kids, or if they do it is really thoroughly planned or really a "surprise" - not much in between. I'm a "nerdy girl" not a "girly girl" as one of my friends puts it so well... When I was young, my biggest fear was getting pregnant when I wasn't ready. Then marriage one failed without having kids, and then in marriage 2 a prior vasectomy didn't get a successful reversal. Frankly I was relieved. I am very nervous around babies. I really even had trouble with my sister's kids until they were 8+ years old. My niece is in her teens and we get along really really well now on lots of levels. 2 other INTJ females I know have the same ambivalence (wanting them to some degree in theory but terrified of practice) so I think it could be something INTJs are prone to having as a trait/temperament thing. I'm sure that if they had kids they'd make great mothers, but maybe not fit the idea of "typical" or "ideal" mothers - that's what my 2nd husband said about the sort of mother I'd have been.

06-08-2008, 12:59 AM	#22 (permalink)
Aerithria Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Type: ENTP Location: Canada Posts: 314	I'd be a terrible parent myself. I can only hypothesize as to what it'd be like, but I'm known for going hours on end without eating, sleeping, etc. because I was too wrapped up in whatever I was interested in at the time, and I'm no expert in kids but I think that paying attention to their needs is important. I'm too afraid that I'd abandon them while I was pursuing my own intellectual needs. I'm generally odd about kids in general though. While I am female, I have no desire for children at all, and my friends have already barred me from babysitting, holding, spending time alone with, etc. any kid that they may ever have.

06-10-2008, 11:46 PM	#24 (permalink)
Uytuun distraction Join Date: Apr 2008 Type: INTj Posts: 789	Hmmm...I have an INTJ father (albeit a mild variant) and although he has always been a good dad, I find that as we got older, he really started to shine as a parent. My ESFJ mother is of practically no use to us now, but dad is great. He's open-minded, supportive without being clingy, he treats us like the adults we are, we have interesting discussions etc. Neither my brother nor myself have really rebelled, but I have this suspicion that having an INTJ on your parenting team might be very helpful in times of teenage rebellion. My father was a natural parent AFAIK, but I would also go with the shock therapy, have him spend time alone (no supervision on your part) with the child and reassure him that he can also bring something to the table when it comes to raising children, even if it's not in the traditional nurturing style.