INTJs as Parents

[MetalWounds]

Originally Posted by nozflubber

I'M TOTALLY SERIOUSLY

You sure are.

[Usehername]

Pssh, all you fifteen-year-old male INTJs answering. He just needs some experience. I am female, but because of the 3 younger siblings I babysat, the little cousins, neighbours, I teach Sunday School...
I'm pretty rockin' awesome with kids of all ages. I hated when parents would stay and watch me babysit their kids. It's difficult until an INTJ can map out what the situation is going to look like, and adapting on the fly before you've had a change to map out exactly how kids perceive the world and think and feel and behave is difficult.
If you leave him alone with the baby for a few extended periods, I'm pretty sure he'll do better than if you were to leave him alone for multiple short periods. When he's in charge, he'll need the time to de-stress about the fact that he's responsible for a baby by himself, the time to experiment a little with techniques to calm/befriend the baby, and then the time to practice said techniques he'll discover. Don't shadow him because he'll be focused on how you're perceiving him. So long as you trust him to do his best with your child I think it's best to just let him rise to the challenge and be forced to adapt.


It's the mapping out in his head part that's the greatest hindrance--until he can envision and predict to some extent, he'll be extremely stressed. INTJs have only learned to map adults out of necessity, but they had to learn the same thing. Babies are not adults, so it'll take some time for him to observe how things go.

Edit: I'm not a parent, but I can (relatively) easily handle 24 hours straight of juggling 4 kids ages 7 - 1 to soccer practice, cook a semi-nutritious meal, play with them all, get them bathed and tell them stories before bed... and it's just because I've had the time to figure kids out and the time to practice without worrying about someone critiquing my every move. And I say relatively because kids are really draining. But it's, I'm sure, ten billion times easier when you know you can clock out by the time their parents are home again the next day rather than having to get up in the morning and do it again.

[Haphazard]

Sink or swim approach -- good idea, Usehername.

Leave him alone with the baby for twenty-four hours. If both of them aren't dead by that time, he'll have figured out what he's doing.

[scantilyclad]

usehername that is wonderful advice, and i might try some of that myself!

[DigitalMethod]

Ahem, I am 16, Usehername.






Good advice though

[SquirrelTao]

Originally Posted by scantilyclad

I'm also an INFP and i have a 7 month old son with an INTJ.

Cool, it's interesting to me to know that other INFP/INTJ couples click.

Originally Posted by scantilyclad

He is exactly the same with the baby. As our son is getting older, he is getting better at being alone with him, but he is still very anxious, and won't change diapers or anything like that.

Good to know. I was feeling a little doubtful about the way that the father-baby bond was going, after reading a thread in a mothering forum where all these mothers said they felt comfortable right away leaving baby with their partner while they went to get a haircut or something.

Originally Posted by scantilyclad

Just recently he started putting him to bed by himself, he will go in there and pat him on the chest until he falls asleep, its actually quite adorable, but that is really the only thing he feels comfortable doing as of now.

That's great; even if it's only one thing, it's a big thing.

[SquirrelTao]

Originally Posted by Haphazard

Babies are terrifying creatures.

They're not that fragile. Once you get used to them, you can start handling them as easily as a sack of groceries. They're also not that hard to understand or to please if you get a couple things about them. There are two keys to understanding young babies.

The first is that they miss the womb. So you replicate the conditions they had in there: motion, swaddling, white noise. Sometimes they find a dark room soothing, too. After all, they couldn't see in the womb.

The second is that they like to live in the stone age. My little one is happy being worn around in a pouch carrier as long as I'm in motion and he has a frequent change of scenery. In a stone age culture, a baby would be worn around in a sling outside all the time while Mom gathered food or worked in a field. Mine likes the $40 pouch infinitely more than he likes the $170 swing. Take him outdoors, and he can sit still and watch the trees blow in the wind for a half hour at a time.

Indoors, he gets quickly bored. He's a much more high maintenance little creature when we're in the house than he is when we're on the go and he's in his carrier. When we're on the go, he divides his time between quietly observing his surroundings and sleeping. When we're home, I have to read to him, bring him toys, carry him around to look at things, work hard to soothe him to sleep and pretty much constantly pay attention to him unless he is sleeping.

[SquirrelTao]

Originally Posted by Usehername

I'm pretty rockin' awesome with kids of all ages.

Cool http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...lies/smile.gif
Then you've got a leg up on motherhood. Having experience will make those early weeks so much easier for you.

Originally Posted by Usehername

If you leave him alone with the baby for a few extended periods, I'm pretty sure he'll do better than if you were to leave him alone for multiple short periods. When he's in charge, he'll need the time to de-stress about the fact that he's responsible for a baby by himself, the time to experiment a little with techniques to calm/befriend the baby, and then the time to practice said techniques he'll discover. Don't shadow him because he'll be focused on how you're perceiving him. So long as you trust him to do his best with your child I think it's best to just let him rise to the challenge and be forced to adapt.


It's the mapping out in his head part that's the greatest hindrance--until he can envision and predict to some extent, he'll be extremely stressed. INTJs have only learned to map adults out of necessity, but they had to learn the same thing. Babies are not adults, so it'll take some time for him to observe how things go.

This makes a lot of sense to me after living with him for ten years and seeing how he is whenever he does anything new. He starts out frustrated and impatient, but once he works out a system, he's so effective it's almost scary. I bet if he were the stay-at-home parent, he'd go insane for a couple days or so, but after that - if he and the baby survived - he'd be so much more organized than I am.http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...lies/smile.gif

[Headstrong]

Hmmm...well, I am a bit young to have my own kids (19), but I do babysit for seven families. I have been doing this for the past three years so I have plenty of experience. On the older children, I tend to use "tough love." I know when to be compassionate, but more often than not the kids I watch milk the situations and injuries.

Today I took two of the kids to the pool (boy 8 years, girl 3 years). I could not get her off the ladder in the 3 foot. Yesterday she had a bit of a traumatic water accident (nothing she hasn't done before), but after going back and forth between 3 ladders in a public pool, I just wanted to throw her in! Of course she pitched a fit when I would even mention holding her above water, which made me even more frustrated. Then I began to feel like an nagging, control-freak because everywhere she went I had to be there...keeping her focused and out of other people's way. It is days like these that make me never want to have kids...I am afraid to see what I would be be like. Sorry if I got off topic. I needed to rant.

As someone else mentioned, I really dislike babysitting when the parents are home/an adult is around. I feel like I cannot be myself and act how I would normally, especially when they are within ear shot. The baby talk required makes me feel stupid and I feel it is distracting to the work-at-home parent. In turn, they are probably thinking I do not know how to entertain a child. Alright...I am done now.

[ceecee]

Originally Posted by SquirrelTao

Hi, myself (an INFP) and my INTJ husband just had our first baby, and I've grown curious about how his INTJness affects his fathering. He seemed afraid to be left alone with our infant son for more than five minutes at a time, until just recently when our little one turned four months old and got easier. He is a great baby entertainer, but if his baby soothing doesn't work, he gets quickly impatient.

How do/did those of you INTJs who have dealt with babies feel about your own babies?

After the initial shock of the labor and birth wore off I remember vividly just staring at him in my arms. What I remember feeling more than anything else was this overwhelming sense of protection for him. Maybe it is different because I am his mother and had the entire pregnancy to bond with him. I guess the only way to get over the fear of being alone with the baby is to...parent. There will be mistakes, lots of them. But how do will you know what works and what doesn't until you try them? My son graduated from high school tonight. As I sat there watching him I thought...I must not have done too badly. He's off to college in the fall with a scholarship. He is tall and handsome and intelligent. He's a great kid. But I thought back to his first day of school the whole time tonight. I remember how I didn't adjust the straps on his little backpack and the thing was falling off his shoulders. Trial and error right? Parents learn how to parent exactly the same way a baby grows into a child then to an adult. It's steps. And try to enjoy the steps as much as possible. That's the best advice I can give anyone.