Female NTs and Men: What do you need in a relationship?

[ListNinja]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and am trying to find out more information about female NTs and what they need both in terms of initial attraction and for a relationship to work long term.

I have been discussing with a couple female NT friends and this is what we have come up with so far:

(1) The man has to be as smart as the female NT and capable of holding his own in intellectual debates
(2) The man can not be a pushover emotionally - some female NTs have a tendency to exploit weakness in their partners and can become controlling (especially NTJs). Female NTs will not respect a man who will allow them to do this.
(3) NTs seem to be attracted to men with a high degree of talent, sense of adventure, and/or spontaneity... but we are not sure if these relationships will work long term.

Thoughts?

[Jennifer]

If you have an account at INTPc, you can see an extensive list of comments from female INTPs here.

(The questions asked there don't cover all the things you ask about here, but would still give a great deal of supporting information.)

[Economica]

Originally Posted by ListNinja

(2) The man can not be a pushover emotionally - some female NTs have a tendency to exploit weakness in their partners and can become controlling (especially NTJs). Female NTs will not respect a man who will allow them to do this.

All women want a man who has a backbone.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Economica

All women want a man who has a backbone.

Even women who might in the short-term enjoy having their decisions run unimpeded quickly become frustrated or disgusted when the man refuses to engage.

[ListNinja]

Thanks Jennifer! There is great info on that link about NTPs!

[Varelse]

Originally Posted by Economica

All women want a man who has a backbone.

Indeed.

Also, someone who will allow me my space, and doesn't need to continuously be in authority over me. If you're telling me to shut up and listen because you're so much wiser than me, it's not working, and it makes you sound insecure and arrogant.

And someone who isn't doing the whole thing on the basis of their emotions...e.g., they give up the minute they're not having all happy feelings about everything.

[INTJMom]

I fell in love with an ISTP. The first thing that attracted me to him was that he was kind of "cocky". That is also the same trait that drives me insane sometimes.

[Usehername]

i notice polite and intelligent guys first. i rarely notice physical attributes of males, or if i do, it's no more than a second's attention in my brain.

someone who is at least moderately skilled at sports; i'm kinda athletic (but it's not my life) and couldn't date a guy who wasn't into sports at all. what would we do, study 24/7? (and the doing of sports is what's important; viewing/following sports teams i am indifferent to.)

someone who would make a great father.

someone who has the same religious beliefs as I do.

dating someone who doesn't respect others' time by being perpetually late would really bother me. I'm not saying it's an automatic no, because I have a sweetheart ENFP friend who pulls it off without it bothering me, but from pretty much anyone else i view this as disrespectful (if it's a trend).

i can't handle guys who are always depressed. it sucks me down with them.

someone who is not emotionally needy.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by INTJMom

I fell in love with an ISTP. The first thing that attracted me to him was that he was kind of "cocky". That is also the same trait that drives me insane sometimes.

It is always a mixed bag, isn't it?

The same things that attract people are usually the same things that drive people batty. We just have to accept the bad points as part of what makes the good points good.

[Mendacity]

Originally Posted by ListNinja

(1) The man has to be as smart as the female NT and capable of holding his own in intellectual debates
(2) The man can not be a pushover emotionally - some female NTs have a tendency to exploit weakness in their partners and can become controlling (especially NTJs). Female NTs will not respect a man who will allow them to do this.
(3) NTs seem to be attracted to men with a high degree of talent, sense of adventure, and/or spontaneity... but we are not sure if these relationships will work long term.

Thoughts?

Hello ListNinja

For me intelligence is an absolute must-have in a guy I'm interested in. If I think he's stupid or ignorant (or even not quite on the same level I am) it's a deal breaker. Because if I'm going to be spending a lot of time with someone they need to interest me, challenge me, and be able to have good conversations and debates.

Probably second on my list (and it's a close second) is physical attractiveness. I'm sorry, but I notice that kind of thing. Although my idea of attractive isn't always what's conventionally attractive.
Another big one is that he has to be able to make me laugh. I love guys with kind of a black sense of humor. If he thinks my jokes are tasteless and kind of weird that's a big turn off.

Not as important is that he be able to take care of himself. By that I mean, hold a job, not have every car he buys repossessed, be able to get up in the morning on time and cook for himself and do his own laundry and stuff like that.

Originally Posted by ListNinja

(2) The man can not be a pushover emotionally - some female NTs have a tendency to exploit weakness in their partners and can become controlling (especially NTJs). Female NTs will not respect a man who will allow them to do this.

Often it seems like the type of men who are most drawn to me are the ones who are kind of weak-willed and who want to be controlled by their partner. This is a turn off for me, not only because it's a trait I dislike in both genders and in all people, but because I don't want to be bothered with controlling someone else. I don't worry that I have a tendency to be controlling. If I say "We will do this" and that doesn't work for someone, they need to stand up and say so. I can't be constantly worrying about what someone else is doing and where they are and blah blah blah blah. I've got better things to do and I need more space than that. I need someone who's independent because I am too.