ESFP/ENFP - how to get the ESFP off the ENFP?

[Twixt]

By all means, "treat him like a person" (as opposed to ... what? A pariah?)

HAHA sorry, typo! I meant to say, "treat him like a normal person"

[sarah]

Originally Posted by Twixt

HAHA sorry, typo! I meant to say, "treat him like a normal person"

hahaha! Okay, that makes much more sense. Anyway, good for you for speaking your mind, and I'm glad he took the news as well as he did.


Sarah
ISFP

[Twixt]

Good for you! And good for him not to behave badly about getting rejected.

As flattering as it may be to imagine this guy pining away for you, I gotta say, we SPs tend to live in the present moment. If we realize we don't have a chance with someone, we don't waste our time with that person. Keirsey uses the Aesop's fable example of the fox not wasting his time on the grapes he can't reach to describe how SPs tend to view love relationships. It's not that we don't have strong feelings, it's that we prefer to move on rather than sit around suffering indefinately after getting rejected by someone we thought was potential life-partner material.

Excellent. Progress. Now stick to your guns!

Truthfully, I'd really like to believe its progressed. It would be such a relief.

But every time I reject him as a romantic partner, it seems this always happens: he talks about a normal, neutral subject and everything seems casual for a few weeks/months. Then, he'll start.. hinting again. At a romantic relationship of sorts. He's said he keeps thinking up these questions/topics because he "just keeps wanting to talk to [me]".

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

(is trying very hard not to pull out hair)

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

[sarah]

Originally Posted by Twixt

Truthfully, I'd really like to believe its progressed. It would be such a relief.

But every time I reject him as a romantic partner, it seems this always happens: he talks about a normal, neutral subject and everything seems casual for a few weeks/months. Then, he'll start.. hinting again. At a romantic relationship of sorts. He's said he keeps thinking up these questions/topics because he "just keeps wanting to talk to [me]".

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

Maybe I missed it, but why are you so certain this guy's an ESFP? That lifelong unrequited love stuff doesn't resonate with me at all. Nor do I think most SPs --especially the extraverted ones-- would understand it either. We MOVE ON when there's no physical and emotional relationship to be had with any one particular person. No matter how wonderful the man or woman in question may be, if he or she isn't responsive, there are other people who might be more so. Waiting around and hoping is incredibly boring.

Originally Posted by Twixt

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

Okay, really... just refuse to be his friend. End The Friendship. If he's that much of a jerk that he can't take no for an answer, then cut him out of your life. Maybe it'll teach him a valuable lesson. "Relationship bullies" like that need to know that they can't have everything they want just because they want it.

Sarah
ISFP

[digesthisickness]

what his type is isn't the problem. he's not hearing you because you've changed your mind too many times and given him a "second" chance. because of that, it's easy for him to tell himself that this is temporary.

by doing it the way you've done it in the past, you've not only heightened his interest via causing him to chase you (intentionally or not), but you've inadvertently given him positive reinforcement every time he's kept trying.

think of the situation as a slot machine. that's exactly how they deliberately get people addicted. by paying off eventually if the person is persistent.

if you really want him gone, you have to unplug the machine completely.

[Viv]

My best advice: Politely remind him of what was already said anytime he makes another move. At the same time, keep him at a distance. I know it sounds cold/un-natural for ENFPs to cut off close friendships with people in general. Sometimes, it's necessary just to keep life simple/uncomplicated.

In my experiences, it's worse to prolong the friendship knowing that it's truly not 'platonic' once the other party has already declared interest. My best solution is to keep it real. Keep that person as an acquaintence. Be polite. Be firm. Avoid hanging out/anything personal.

I can't stand the thought of being friends with someone, knowing they have interest/pretending as though everything's cool, when all I'm doing is unintentionally leading them on by continuing the friendship because I don't wanna be mean.

[Googly_Eyes]

Originally Posted by Twixt

UPDATE: Anyway, this time all seems well. But he just told me he'll always be there if I change my mind (or not).

And I told him firmly, to 'move on' because I'll never change my mind.

And you know what he said? "I will never give up."

(is trying very hard not to pull out hair)

Okay, really. Could someone kindly enlighten me on this? It doesn't seem to go with the Aesop's fable of giving up and moving on... Some people may think I'm being waaay oversensitive about this issue but it irks me. Its been on-going for quite a while and its terribly frustrating. Not to mention creepy. Is that just ESFP intensity?

Either way I really, really, REALLY NEED HELP GETTING RID OF THIS PERSON AHHH.

I've seen an ESFP do this before. Whatever you do, don't give him any impression that you could both still be together some day (not that I think you are). In the case I saw, he (the ESFP) wound up being led on for a year until something happened that finally made him realize it would never happen. It wasn't pretty.

It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.

[Twixt]

UPDATE: So I was really plain and said flat out, I will never, ever change my mind. I am very sure about this.

He said my words really hurt.

I asked him never to bring the topic up again because if he did, i wasn't sure if we could even be normal friends anymore.

He said ok. I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Few days later.. he sends me a text saying thanks for being nice the other day, sorry for making things between us go sour.

1. How should i interpret this?
2. Is he technically talking about the topic again?
3. Should i reply? (I'm guessing Googly_Eyes says no..?)

Maybe I missed it, but why are you so certain this guy's an ESFP? That lifelong unrequited love stuff doesn't resonate with me at all.

He took the test. Yeah, its weird.

he's not hearing you because you've changed your mind too many times and given him a "second" chance. because of that, it's easy for him to tell himself that this is temporary.

by doing it the way you've done it in the past, you've not only heightened his interest via causing him to chase you (intentionally or not), but you've inadvertently given him positive reinforcement every time he's kept trying.

Thanks, this makes sense. Argh, foolishness kills me D:

I've seen an ESFP do this before. Whatever you do, don't give him any impression that you could both still be together some day (not that I think you are). In the case I saw, he (the ESFP) wound up being led on for a year until something happened that finally made him realize it would never happen. It wasn't pretty.

It's a really crappy thing to do to somebody, but I'd recommend avoiding him. Don't answer his calls, don't return his messages, pretend your not there if he shows up at your house. And if you find yourself in a position where you can't avoid him, be cold and distant towards him. You've made yourself clear and if he can't accept that then it's his problem. Wait until he stops trying to get your attention or be around you to start hanging out with him again.

Thanks, yeah that sounds like a good idea. Only thing though, being my idiotic self I've ignored him in the past then started talking to him after a while (when my conscience told me I was being too 'mean' by ignoring him). Do you think he will take this avoidance as "temporary" (to quote digesthisickness)?

[Twixt]

And oh, yeah I have no idea what he means by "nice". The tone of the text seemed quite genuine so I don't think its sarcasm (there was a smiley face in it).

Or, i could be totally wrong.

?

[booyalab]

Originally Posted by Twixt

HOW DO I GET HIM TO STOP LIKING ME??? How can i get him off me? Without being too mean that things would be awkward between us?

Since the solution is so blindingly obvious, it's hard not to assume you're secretly reveling in the predicament.

What you're basically saying is "how do I get him to stop liking me without making him not like me anymore?"