ESFP/ENFP - how to get the ESFP off the ENFP?

[mlittrell]

yaaaa this situation hits quite close to home, i just said that i didn't like her but i would remain friends. i was just firm and i said it till she knew i was serious and i left it at that. does she still like me, i have no idea, maybe lol, but its not my problem anymore

[Jeffster]

Originally Posted by Googly_Eyes

I've seen some ESFPs do some pretty stupid things after breakups and rejections.

I'm pretty sure people of every type have done some pretty stupid things after breakups and rejections.

[Googly_Eyes]

Originally Posted by Jeffster

I'm pretty sure people of every type have done some pretty stupid things after breakups and rejections.

True enough (and, for the record, ESFJs have been the worst from what I've seen) it's just ESFPs' spontaneity that can get them doing some pretty crazy things. Introverts tend to do far less drastic things than extroverts, as well as Ts than Fs. If an IxTx sees a recent ex in public by coincidence, he/she likely won't make a scene. The mere sight of a recent ex will get an ExFx (ESFP) fired up though and they'll probably cause a raucous.

[Twixt]

Siegfried & bluemonday: Nah I'm not hurt at all Thanks. To steal a supposed INTJ line, being straightforward and blunt "saves time".

Why are you interested in "what could be", if you aren't attracted to him?

I think its because, being an ENFP, I'm all for personal growth haha. So even if I'm not romantically attracted to him I still want him to grow as a person? But then again, how can I know my ways are the 'right' ways for him to grow, right. Haha ok. Point taken, thanks Mixed messages are the worst, I know, and yeah I'd hate to deal with a disingenuous person too.

He needs to build bridges elsewhere, rather than be left in purgatory.

Agreed.

Thanks all, its very helpful hearing different viewpoints, especially from people who aren't emotionally involved in this.

[sarah]

Originally Posted by Twixt

I think its because, being an ENFP, I'm all for personal growth haha. So even if I'm not romantically attracted to him I still want him to grow as a person? But then again, how can I know my ways are the 'right' ways for him to grow, right. Haha ok. Point taken, thanks Mixed messages are the worst, I know, and yeah I'd hate to deal with a disingenuous person too.

It sounds like the situation calls for sending him the clear message that you will never be interested in him romantically, and that you aren't thinking about his personal growth (even if you are.) If he thinks that showing signs of growth is the ticket to winning your love, then he's going to keep feeding you those lines about changing to please you.

At this point, I'd put his inner life on the back burner, because it's only making him think you're more interested in him than you really are. People grow inwardly when they're ready for it, or when life situations are such that they can't ignore their own problems anymore, and if this guy is thinking he can make sweeping changes in his life for the sake of love, then he's not ready for it. SPs are pretty visually oriented, so I'm thinking it might help to make your body language more chilly around him. You can be courteous yet cold, if you know what I mean.

Sarah
ISFP

[Mondo]

Are you afraid that he will dump you later on?
I notice that you talk about his "commitment issues".

[Twixt]

Ok, UPDATE:

I've told him, "Its not going to happen." He asked why. I explained [cited the commitment reason and what i've learnt from here, ie. that its not fair for him to have to change]. He's sad but said, "What can i say?"

Then he asked about his strengths and flaws, besides the commitment issue. So I told him what I thought they were. (this is probably because, before I came on here to get advice, I asked him to list my strengths and flaws too - strengths, because I was pretty sure he didn't know me thaaaat well so I wanted to know why on earth he was attracted to me (I promise I was not trying to flirt AT ALL in case it could be construed that way), and flaws, because i was trying to get him to see for himself why he wouldn't like to be with me (stupid idea?) )

Anyway, he didn't say anything for a while... Then he started asking about things unrelated to our relationship. Like normal things, that normal people chat about.

I'm trying to figure out what the implication of this is:
a) he's bounced back already and is totally fine
b) he's giving the illusion of having bounced back already to hide his hurt feelings
c) he just disregarded what I said about our relationship not advancing to 'more than just friends', and thinks if he continues trying to talk to me he'll eventually win me over?? [I read here that ESFPs are "arrogant" - I'm not sure, could this possibly be evidence of such arrogance? Bearing in mind, of course, that people aren't 100% true to their MB type]
d) ?????

I'm not at all sure about those possibilities, can anyone else think of more? I will tear my hair out if it turns out to be (c).
[ok kidding, but it'd be pretty aggravating/exasperating]

Or, maybe I should just wait and see how this plays out?

Also, should I answer and treat him like a person, or avoid him for the time being? I don't want to fall back into casual conversations again only to have him fall for me again, and repeat this whole rejection process again

[Twixt]

It sounds like the situation calls for sending him the clear message that you will never be interested in him romantically, and that you aren't thinking about his personal growth (even if you are.) If he thinks that showing signs of growth is the ticket to winning your love, then he's going to keep feeding you those lines about changing to please you.

At this point, I'd put his inner life on the back burner, because it's only making him think you're more interested in him than you really are. People grow inwardly when they're ready for it, or when life situations are such that they can't ignore their own problems anymore, and if this guy is thinking he can make sweeping changes in his life for the sake of love, then he's not ready for it.

Thanks, haha yeah I sorta just realised that. (bit late I know ) But point is, I'll just be, as you said, "courteous yet cold". Detached.

Are you afraid that he will dump you later on?
I notice that you talk about his "commitment issues".

Yeah, I am afraid of that. But of course that's not the only reason why I'm not going to be with him. Even if he were committed, I don't agree with his values/moral priorities. And basically his personality just doesn't appeal to me romantically.

[sarah]

Originally Posted by Twixt

Ok, UPDATE:

I've told him, "Its not going to happen." He asked why. I explained [cited the commitment reason and what i've learnt from here, ie. that its not fair for him to have to change]. He's sad but said, "What can i say?"

Then he asked about his strengths and flaws, besides the commitment issue. So I told him what I thought they were. (this is probably because, before I came on here to get advice, I asked him to list my strengths and flaws too - strengths, because I was pretty sure he didn't know me thaaaat well so I wanted to know why on earth he was attracted to me (I promise I was not trying to flirt AT ALL in case it could be construed that way), and flaws, because i was trying to get him to see for himself why he wouldn't like to be with me (stupid idea?) )

Anyway, he didn't say anything for a while... Then he started asking about things unrelated to our relationship. Like normal things, that normal people chat about.

I'm trying to figure out what the implication of this is:
a) he's bounced back already and is totally fine
b) he's giving the illusion of having bounced back already to hide his hurt feelings
c) he just disregarded what I said about our relationship not advancing to 'more than just friends', and thinks if he continues trying to talk to me he'll eventually win me over?? [I read here that ESFPs are "arrogant" - I'm not sure, could this possibly be evidence of such arrogance? Bearing in mind, of course, that people aren't 100% true to their MB type]
d) ?????

I'm not at all sure about those possibilities, can anyone else think of more? I will tear my hair out if it turns out to be (c).
[ok kidding, but it'd be pretty aggravating/exasperating]

Or, maybe I should just wait and see how this plays out?

Also, should I answer and treat him like a person, or avoid him for the time being? I don't want to fall back into casual conversations again only to have him fall for me again, and repeat this whole rejection process again

Good for you! And good for him not to behave badly about getting rejected.

As flattering as it may be to imagine this guy pining away for you, I gotta say, we SPs tend to live in the present moment. If we realize we don't have a chance with someone, we don't waste our time with that person. Keirsey uses the Aesop's fable example of the fox not wasting his time on the grapes he can't reach to describe how SPs tend to view love relationships. It's not that we don't have strong feelings, it's that we prefer to move on rather than sit around suffering indefinately after getting rejected by someone we thought was potential life-partner material.

By all means, "treat him like a person" (as opposed to ... what? A pariah?) But I'd just avoid spending time alone with him for the present. Give him enough time to get interested in somebody else. If he's an outgoing ESFP, it shouldn't be too long.

Sarah
ISFP

[bluemonday]

Excellent. Progress. Now stick to your guns!