Comforting NFs

[Domino]

Originally Posted by mlittrell

talk to best friend briefly (only if it is something absolutely horrible) and then get over it in about 5 minutes lol

My ENFP twin, LadyJaye, can't hold on to an angry mood for very long either. If we fight, and we both go storming off, her cooling period is about, 10-20 minutes tops. Mine? I'm not telling.

[Anja]

When I'm upset I don't want "fixing. I don't want explanations or excuses or anyone assuming that I am blaming them for my upset.

I just want affirmation that I am upset about something. That goes a long way toward helping me figure out what feeling state is up front. Then I need to do something about it.

[sade]

Let me hide in my cave for awhile, don't touch me yet. I need that moment to digest things. Go through my feelings without others' feelings affecting what I'm feeling. And truly to go through things.

Then when I crawl out and you are a close person to me: hug me, hold me. There isn't need for words unless you feel the need to express them; I'd prefer affirmation that I have the right to be upset. Listen to me if I feel like talking or crying. When I'm calmer I appreciate some humour to cheer me up, but not immediately.

Hug me and hold me. Show me that you care. And trust me I'll remember that.

Oh and please don't get upset for my sake or show huge amounts of feeling, because that makes me feel the need to tend to your emotions. If you start crying or get truly offended for my sake I feel that I need to comfort you. Be the stronger one, so that I don't need to be it and can be sad.

[GZA]

I need to play guitar. When I'm upset or discouraged or whatever, I just sort of go into my own corner and think about playing guitar.

I'm mostly a lone depressant. I'm not always sad when I'm alone, but when I'm sad I generally prefer to be by myself to think things over. I find that works best for me.

[Anja]

Originally Posted by sade

Oh and please don't get upset for my sake or show huge amounts of feeling, because that makes me feel the need to tend to your emotions. If you start crying or get truly offended for my sake I feel that I need to comfort you. Be the stronger one, so that I don't need to be it and can be sad.

Part of this is so true for me.

That part about others picking up on my feelings and adopting them as their own. In some situations it almost feels like emotional vampirism to me. When I'd call my mom and be upset about something, she'd take it all on bigtime and pretty soon it was her issue and less mine. That always feels uncomfortable to me.

[Lizzy1813]

Thanks for all the posts! I really needed some imput on the issue, and this has helped more than you'll ever know!

[sade]

Originally Posted by Anja

Part of this is so true for me.

That part about others picking up on my feelings and adopting them as their own. In some situations it almost feels like emotional vampirism to me. When I'd call my mom and be upset about something, she'd take it all on bigtime and pretty soon it was her issue and less mine. That always feels uncomfortable to me.

I believe the strong part only applies for those extremely sensitive. I have a friend like that which made me add it.

[snowflurri]

I don't like to be told "Don't worry" if I'm worrying because it doesn't help at all.
When comforted, I like to feel that my problem is truly understood and that I'm not alone, also that it can be solved.

[BerberElla]

Originally Posted by Neo Genesis

I tend to withdraw so that I can get a grip and deal with the problem. Typically, I get angry at myself for dumping my burdens on other people.

Same here, the more serious the sadness the more I need solitude. I can't even function enough to warn people I care about that i am about to go off the rails and withdraw for what could be a considerable amount of time. I just do it. I get sick of telling people how I feel, especially since sadness seems to be a pretty constant companion how many more times do I have to hear them pity me, or roll their eyes at how unable I am to get to grips with my problems, easier to withdraw and deal with the issue alone.

However if I knew I had a friend who would never judge me for my weaknesses I could probably do with a hug, some emotional support, don't tell me how to fix the problem, I already know how to fix it I just can't/won't whilst I feel so sad about it. I just need a shoulder, a non judgemental shoulder, someone who isn;t trying to fix me, who doesn't make me feel pressured to be better, to fix up and get a grip. However I don't have friends like that, I have needy friends who need me to support them in a non judgemental way, my sadness is my own to deal with.

[sade]

I like when people tell me that they've been through the same thing, but only when they specify and tell me of their experiences/feeling/something. Telling that it's happened to them and then happily walking away isn't helpful.

When I was going through depression the thing that I hated most was if people told me to get a grip or cheer up. Get over it. That either got me more depressed or in nearly homicidal rage.