Are xNFJ's really as nice/caring as they appear?

[Athenian200]

Originally Posted by Angry Ayrab

This is a serious thread.

I know a few ENFJ's and maybe one or two INFJ's and these people are seriously too nice to be true. They really do go out of their way to make sure everyone is happy. Are they really as nice inside as they are outside? This is a serious inquiry. Also, what is your reasoning from a practical or theoretical perspective?

And to all the xNFJ's don't be shy, whats your perspective.

Not at all.

NJs are fond of irony. People think xNFJs are nice and xNTJs are mean. But looking under the surface, one could easily come to the opposite conclusion.

In reality, they probably balance out to be about the same, just expressing their meanness/niceness in different aspects of their lives and parts of themselves.

[the state i am in]

^^^ agree with above.

i think the enneagram is more relevant to this than type. which has more to do with communication styles and skillset. intj 6s are a really good example of an ntj that seems hard but is really very giving, loyal, nurturing, etc. whereas i am an infj 5 who seems warm for the most part, but has this strange distance, aloof maybe, wanting to maintain independence and freedom from outward extraverted restriction that could limit my ability for inner Perception, keeping inner Ni options open, new information coming in at all times, etc. it makes me seem more of a miser and is more difficult for me to give openly and unchecked bc i at times just sense/focus on the obligations that are formed in such extraverted social exchanges and the limited resources we all possess to make/develop our ideas and cultivate them to fruition. but i must, i must!

9s are nice tho, in every type! and 4s may or may not be better than 5, more dramatic and capable of hysteria, but, goddammit, at least they're more fully giving/generous/in-the-moment! goddamn 5 neuroses!

i imagine all enfjs are 4s. or 4w5s like billy corgan. what else, folks? surely some 4w3s, but maybe some 2w1s? perhaps even 9w8s? 7w6s?

[Lexicon]

I'd have to say I'm actually more caring than I may initially appear.
Every bit of me is genuine, though.
I see no point in flattery or traditions/sentiments for their own sake.
I sincerely want to understand and connect, and help if I can. Always.
It's a double-edged sword, when you allow yourself to take that to extremes and stop taking care of yourself. I don't resent others for it, though, nor do I regret helping my friends grow. It's up to me to find a balance. It's tricky at times, but I'm figuring it out. That may be why I don't come off as a super-caring person most of the time these days. I'm concentrating on this balancing act..

But yeah.. I believe most NFJs are very sincere. They don't know how to be any other way when it comes to caring for others. For what reasons, it may vary. But it's all real.

[Oddly Refined]

In general, I try to be pleasant to people. There are a select few people that I put my energy into if the help is needed. As I've aged, I've learned that you can't help everyone, so being selective with that type of energy is important. I limit my empathy and those types of interactions. People will take until there is nothing left and it's best to learn your limits. Emotional safeguards are necessary for self-preservation in the physical and emotional sense.

[EcK]

Originally Posted by Athenian200

Not at all.

NJs are fond of irony. People think xNFJs are nice and xNTJs are mean. But looking under the surface, one could easily come to the opposite conclusion.

And NP are awesome.
Go on, you know you want to say it.

[Domino]

My father has a broad collection of WW2 documentary footage, mostly of air battles and dog fights. I find it both fascinating and repellent. It's hard enough for me to watch machines break apart and go to their doom, much less people. I see people in the machines. It can be too much for me. I care too much about every soul. I wish that had a shut off switch, a switch that works when I'm NOT exasperated/tired/in a horrible mood and refuse to care anymore.

[Lexicon]

Originally Posted by Oddly Refined

In general, I try to be pleasant to people. There are a select few people that I put my energy into if the help is needed. As I've aged, I've learned that you can't help everyone, so being selective with that type of energy is important. I limit my empathy and those types of interactions. People will take until there is nothing left and its best to learn your limits. Emotional safeguards are necessary for self-preservation in the physical and emotional sense.

A very tough lesson I've begun to fully grasp in the past year.
I'm so glad I see it now, though.

[Oddly Refined]

Originally Posted by PinkPiranha

I wish that had a shut off switch, a switch that works when I'm NOT exasperated/tired/in a horrible mood and refuse to care anymore.

My Mother's answer to this was always to find habits or ideas that were distracting. Music, reading, and/or (fill in with pleasant activity here.) Then return to the subject when you calm down.

[Oddly Refined]

Originally Posted by Lexicon

A very tough lesson I've begun to fully grasp in the past year.
I'm so glad I see it now, though.

Yes, it's a lesson that you will refine and change over time. Don't always expect the same answer since you change with age. The trick is to be able to gauge those changes, be patient, and don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed.

[Domino]

Originally Posted by Oddly Refined

My Mother's answer to this was always to find habits or ideas that were distracting. Music, reading, and/or (fill in with pleasant activity here.) Then return to the subject when you calm down.

I absolutely must keep my mind busy. I write a lot, sometimes draw, or get up and walk/pace with music playing until I feel calmer.

I've also taken to rubbing my mother's herd of outdoor cats. One in particular, a giant grey tabby, that is very calm and gentlemanly. We hang out together on the back porch. I rub his ears and he sheds on me. It's a win-win. He waits by the back door for me now, ever so patiently.

The problem with this planet is that people concern me even when I don't WANT to care anymore. They do things to hurt themselves. They do things to hurt others. This in turn causes me pain. Empathy at this level is very difficult to sustain.

It's this kneejerk thing without a fuse I can tear out. Like my recent appt - the girl interviewing me was very nice and a little shy, and ultimately we wound up talking for an hour because she just needed someone to understand her and I was there to do it. I was glad to do it. It's in these unexpected moments that I really feel satisfied, like I truly did help and it was important.

But this level of caring is exhausting and I wish I had a switch to flip to make myself more observational or objective. It's like being strapped to a roller coaster - fun for five minutes, a nightmare for ten.