Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

[Jennifer]

Sigh. The one thing I see in common in literally every NF I talk to online or in real life is that, as soon as they come out with a strong reaction to something, as soon as I push back on it (in a nice but firm way), they back-pedal and just seem to fold on me.

(I think Toonie is the only NF I can think of off the top of my head who does not consistently do this... but she always had to be different, you know. )

Sometimes NFs apologize to me just for expressing their viewpoint. My one RL friend apologizes to me for "getting angry" or "raising his voice" -- and somehow I missed his entire debacle. Even his worst outrages don't even equal half of the normal human being's slight glimmer of irritation.

I love y'all to death, NFs are some of my favorite people! Definitely more sufferable than some of the NTJ stuff that goes on.

But I don't understand. Why? I mean, I even love how sensitive NFs are to people in general... but sometimes it gets frustrating, when I want to talk about something or a discussion really needs to be had, or would be beneficial, so I "push" a little bit or just plunge into the conversation -- and instead of matching the push, the NFs just melt away.

Just... Oh, I don't know.

[Kyrielle]

Because we beat ourselves up about it very, very hard.

Makes us feel...brutish to have a strong, negative reaction to something.

Well, that's me anyway.

[Varelse]

Interesting-I tend to have the same experience with NFs in general-though I've also gotten chewed out by them on occasion for being too hard on myself.

They're cute when they're chewing me out. It lets me know that they have a spine.

[targo]

yeah what she said.....


I hate confrontation..... hate hate hate it.... yup that I do.....

Sometimes I think that if I have an opinion that goes against yours then you will be offended by it and then won't like me anymore.... You know Jen my husband has the exact same complaint, that I never fight, that I back down too early and too easily, it's a pet peeve of his towards me.

[Jennifer]

It's not even like I want a "fight," it is usually not personal (which the word "fight" connotates to me) -- even if the topic involves people(!). I don't like "fights" where suddenly everything is personal.

I usually am just wanting the ideas to be tested and stretched, to see if they make any sense...

As far as not being liked...?

I know that I can sometimes find someone annoying if I think their idea is stupid or cruel, but even then, that emotion just sort of 'sits off to the side' -- it is not the primary thing driving my conversation with that person, it's just another piece of data to be taken into account, and I still instinctively try to converse based on what is being said, not how I feel about the other person.

So it is possible to not like someone, or to simply be frustrated with them, but still act very decently and openly with them...

Still, I know what it's like to be scared to contribute, fearing rejection. It can seem like a mountain sometimes.

[Park]

Why Do NFs Apologize So Much?

For some Fs, it seems like a generel attitude - like a way to make *absolutely 100%* sure no toes were stepped on.

It's not only the apologizes which can drive me mad but also the *running around the case* instead of *cutting to the case*.

I posted this on the INFPglobal once:
LOL - these last years, I have tried hard to develop my patience with well-meaning waffling feelers - especially in work situations.

Here's an example:
Knock knock on door.
T: Yes.
F: Park, do you have a moment?
T: Yes.
F: Am I disturbing.
T: No.
F: I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask you this. I know you have a lot on your mind today. However, if it's not too much trouble....... I'm *not* saying it has to be today nor tomorrow and if you would rather I came back and asked another time that's fine.........

I think it's cute. I understand the considerate thoughts behind this behaviour.......but gosh it can annoy me.

Similar to when I receive an e.mail which I expect contains some bad respond or bad news. I quickly skim through the bla bla..... until I react *however* or *but*.

E.g.
Dear Park
While we have enjoyed working with your company and have appreciated the interpersonal contact.........are *still* open to co-working with you in the future bla bla .......
bla
bla
bla

However...........and it's after the *however* the essential part starts.

[targo]

But to me as an NF Jennifer everything is personal, everything is internalized... I am an Fi. Any source of emotion that comes at me is processed within me thus making it personal.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by targo

But to me as an NF Jennifer everything is personal, everything is internalized... I am an Fi. Any source of emotion that comes at me is processed within me thus making it personal.

I know... sigh... it's just so... different (!).

[substitute]

Originally Posted by Kyrielle

Because we beat ourselves up about it very, very hard.

Makes us feel...brutish to have a strong, negative reaction to something.

Well, that's me anyway.

Doesn't it occur to you to actually look at the person you're talking to and let them be the judge of what they find brutish or harsh?

I know someone for example, who is constantly apologising for 'imposing' on me (ie coming to visit me when I've invited her!), when I feel no imposition at all. I say 'C'mon, stop apologizing, you're fine, it's okay', I invited you after all didn't I?', and she'll insist that she must be such a burden on me because I'm so busy and have so much on my plate and I don't need this extra burden and blah blah blah, and I just feel like shaking her and saying "FFS! In comparison with the shit I have on my plate, what you're talking about is real small-fry and not even slightly emotionally taxing for me, so will you let me be the judge of how much I can take on, please?!"

Of course, I don't. I just stand there not knowing what to say really, cos if I raise an objection and tell her how her apologizing is frustrating me, she'll just start feeling bad for making me frustrated, and think she's an even bigger burden...

So I understand your complaint Jennifer... and that you're not necessarily talking about things involving conflict.

[targo]

Originally Posted by Jennifer

I know... sigh... it's just so... different (!).

it's not easy being an NF in this world nor is it any easier being an Fi. I have to embrace the Fi, learn to accept and make it work as it will be a natural gift. Yet the world isn't ready for Fi, nope not there. The world yells at you to grow a 'set' and think with objectivity and logic. Shocking it is. Confused Hell is my thoughts on it