An ENFJ social power player

[Santtu]

One ENFJ male I know often used to ask whom I've spent time with, whom I've seen, etc. in a manner I wasn't comfortable with. I got the image of him collecting a database of information for his divert and rule campaign

I've thought of the guy as a predatory social power player, a high mach and a charming personality. With time, I began to trust him a bit more. He's deeply interested of having good time with friends, and meaningful connections, where people behave humanely towards each other.

Yet he's an image of a person who's not open. He doesn't reach out to the socially less fortunate people, but prefers to remain on top, unreachable. He guards information about his whereabouts, connections and such, and maintains tight control about who knows of any of the events he'll go to. Very secretive indeed, but I'd guess he's benevolent.

I can understand the power perspective - I too want power, but just to maintain my autonomy. I give power to others when I can, for them to maintain their own autonomy.

Any ENFJ's out there, do you recognize some of this ENFJ's behavior in yourself?

Do you use social power methods to stay in the center of your social networks?

Do you gather more information than you give out?

What do you do with the information you gather about people?

Would you rather keep control of the social networks than give power to the people, i.e. by being open and keeping them informed?

[nolla]

I wouldn't know about enfjs, but I dislike the idea that many people know many things about my life. Take facebook for example. I don't have it, I am almost phobic towards it. I would not want all of my acquaintances knowing who my friends are. I don't know why, but I consider that to be something private. I guess it could be something about me wanting to be appreciated the way I am and not by how many or what sort of friends I have.

Don't know if this helps you at all.

[proteanmix]

Originally Posted by Santtu

One ENFJ male I know often used to ask whom I've spent time with, whom I've seen, etc. in a manner I wasn't comfortable with. I got the image of him collecting a database of information for his divert and rule campaign

I've thought of the guy as a predatory social power player, a high mach and a charming personality. With time, I began to trust him a bit more. He's deeply interested of having good time with friends, and meaningful connections, where people behave humanely towards each other...

I can understand the power perspective - I too want power, but just to maintain my autonomy. I give power to others when I can, for them to maintain their own autonomy.

LONG POST AHEAD!

I think when you start talking about social power it makes people very afraid. Afraid in the way that people think you can read their mind and know their thoughts or something. When you start talking about people who have social intelligence/emotional intelligence it makes you (or at least me) feel especially vulnerable. I find a person who can figure me out within a very short period of time more intimidating than someone who can solve the world's hardest physic's equation. I really don't fear that kind of intelligence at all because I don't aspire to that. I think many people's soft underbellies are exposed in the social arena.

I do an extreme amount of thinking about the relationships between people and how they work. That's probably one of the top five recurring themes/ideas/whatever in my mind. Even in my current situation with my crazy ass coworker that I chose to step into the pit with, I kind of know how to twist the knife in her in ways she doesn't know to do with me. Honestly of all MBTI types I'd be afraid of I'd fear an NFJ the most (ENFJ for social prowess+clarity and INFJ for social clarity+prowess). I'm not trying to veer this into a conversation about manipulation but I see so clearly how to do this stuff to people. Sometimes when I'm talking to people I'm like all your stuff is spilling out, maybe you should tuck that back and not let everyone know that about you. If I had less scruples and integrity I'd could screw someone over big time but I think that's a shitty and cowardly thing to do to another person so I don't.

So what happens with the information dump you ask?

Originally Posted by Santtu

Any ENFJ's out there, do you recognize some of this ENFJ's behavior in yourself?

Do I see any of your friend's behavior within myself...I do a lot of blithe chattering about nothing for at least 60% of my conversations with other people. I talk about myself in order to get other people to talk about themselves but what am I saying? I don't think I'm saying anything substantial. I know I've definitely had conversations with people that I know way more about them than they know about me. I'm not purposely trying not to talk about myself and I don't feel like I'm purposely withholding information, most of my conversations feel balanced to me. I consider myself a transparent person, WYSIWYG.

Originally Posted by Santtu

Do you use social power methods to stay in the center of your social networks?

I wish I had a vast social network at my fingertips to do so, but alas! This is one of the things I reject about most ENFJ profiles I read. I'm not some great diplomat, I stick my foot in my mouth more often than I like. I think I save myself and smooth things over well. I try to be humble and admit when I'm wrong and not be so full of pride that I can't humble myself to another person. As for my friends, any megalomaniacal tendencies I have usually are directed to the world at large and not at them. Friends are people you can chill and be yourself with. I don't play games like that with them or I wouldn't have any.

Originally Posted by Santtu

Do you gather more information than you give out?

It depends on where I'm at or how comfortable I am in the situation. When I'm at work I'm very aware of the power dynamics and I don't want any ammunition about me readily available. I definitely try to keep my nose clean and I assiduously protect my image.

Once my boss kept asking me for my opinion on something until she finally said in exasperation "So you really just don't want to tell me what you think about it?!?!" I didn't even realize until that moment that I was giving a diplomatic non-answer. It's not that I didn't have an opinion, I just didn't think that I should give it. But then on the other hand, my diplomatic non-answers actually end up working for me because people view me as a neutral party and tell me stuff. What do I do with the information? Nothing really, *shrug*. In the past the information has helped me know who to trust and who not to trust. It's also good to get alternate versions of The Truth from different people all viewing the same event. I've been in meetings and I've seen people get basic information twisted beyond comprehension. Then to hear them recount what happened I wonder if we were even sitting in the same place, watching the same thing.

Originally Posted by Santtu

What do you do with the information you gather about people?

I know that xyz's bday is a certain day, or they're allergic to seafood, or they just got out of a bad relationship, or they're looking for a new job, or what they want to do with their life, etc. Sometimes I just forget it, lol. Actually I don't (even bigger LOL)! I don't know, I don't do anything with it. I know what we have in common and what we don't. So if I find out somebody has an interest in film and I have an interest in film I tend to talk about film with that person or if I know that someone is looking for a job and if I know another person who's place of employment is hiring I can connect those two people. Hmmm, I guess I just use it to know what to talk about with that particular person. I use it to see how frank I can be with them or if I can start showing more of myself with the person or if it will remain a superficial relationship. I don't disdain superficial relationships because I don't want a bunch of people up in my electron cloud so the superficial is like being in limbo. But still I don't mind the bunches of people, you see? So easy to get lost in a crowd!

Originally Posted by Santtu

Would you rather keep control of the social networks than give power to the people, i.e. by being open and keeping them informed?

I am all about being open and upfront. I hate shady dealings and shady people. But if I may be honest, this is one of the things that makes me think I'm an ENFJ rather than an ESFJ. I loves my ESFJ brethren because most of them are cool beans with me and are fun to be around. All we both want is for people to be happy and have fun sans the barbarics. But they don't have much finesse about getting people to do stuff, they don't always do the cajoling part very well. It's like it goes from Fe sweet to "DO IT NOW!" I do the "DO IT NOW!" thing as well but I hang back a little more and see if there are any alternate routes I can take first. So it's funny to see how two EFJs gather information about people and see how it pans out at the end.

Originally Posted by santtu

Yet he's an image of a person who's not open. He doesn't reach out to the socially less fortunate people, but prefers to remain on top, unreachable. He guards information about his whereabouts, connections and such, and maintains tight control about who knows of any of the events he'll go to. Very secretive indeed, but I'd guess he's benevolent.

I wanted to address this specifically. I'm too lazy to see if I've already said this, but I think that if you know how to manipulate (and I want that to be understood in the most neutral way) people you become incredibly paranoid that someone will do it to you. It is much safer for you to wall yourself in behind a very warm and gracious front.

That's why my heart goes out to ESFJs that I know are doing this to themselves and people are judging them as being shallow and they're so caught up in their "role" that they can't escape. They feel like the must continue with the role they've crafted for themselves because they've devoted so much of themselves to that thing and it traps them. So they become the loving mother or the career woman or the good student or the choir director. They embody those things and sometimes people won't even let them out of their role or they think they're nothing more than the part they're playing. I don't know any ENFJs for comparison but I think some of this must hold true becaus it seems like a very Fe dominant thing to do.

[Santtu]

Thanks for the great post. I'll have to postpone my detailed reply a bit!

[Thursday]

I do all of those things, with the exception of the bit aboot the socially exiled.
its an Fe thing, of course
but its a matter of degree.