NF Tips for a Lasting Relationship

[wedekit]

Well, I thought it would be an interesting topic. What would you say is the best advice you can give to prevent putting that malignant distance between you and the one you love?

I am no professional, but I hear having separate bank accounts works wonders, haha.

(Note that I'm not in a relationship; just afraid that I might someday screw up a perfectly good one.)

[Evan]

if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

obviously use tact in bringing these things up though: I-statements and such.

i've seen so many relationships fail because of tiny problems growing over long periods of time...

[tovlo]

Originally Posted by dissonance

if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied.

Agreed. I don't know if would be the case for anyone else, but for me being in a relationship where there is complete openness of experience is essential. I have been in relationships where that may have been attempted, but was eventually abandoned because of the difficulty in reaching any sort of feeling of being heard.

I have found the ideas of non-violent communication to be very useful in my relationship with another NF for effectively communicating my experience in a way that allows me to I feel I've been heard and for effectively engaging in their experience in a way they express leaves them feeling heard.

I personally wouldn't choose the separate bank accounts option. It would violate at some level my sense of openness between the partners, but that is a personal choice. Thankfully it's a choice my partner agrees with me on.

[Shinzon]

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[wedekit]

Thanks for the great replies. I have spent a lot of time observing and mediating my friends' relationships, and a lot of what you guys mentioned was an issue. (All of my friends tend to be NF girls.)

Originally Posted by dissonance

if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

obviously use tact in bringing these things up though: I-statements and such.

i've seen so many relationships fail because of tiny problems growing over long periods of time...

I have an ENFP friend with an INTP boyfriend that she has dated for about one year. She has such strong passive-aggressive tendencies when it comes to him. She will get mad about something but internalize it and not bring it up, and when she collects enough she just lets all of her feelings spill out on him. He responds by thinking she is hysterical or trying to manipulate him, and so he tries to logically explain her feelings to her. She takes this as him trying to criticize her intelligence, leaving her feeling valueless. It's a vicious cycle that they go through often.

[Domino]

A roll of 100-mile-an-hour tape, a sturdy chair, and a threat to sing Disney show tunes ad infinitum works marvels for relationships!

No, seriously - the best and simplest way to avoid malignant distance during an argument is to not be disrespectful. No name calling. No dismissive language. No eye-rolling. No starting a fight and then walking off. And certainly NEVER dump-and-run tactics. If you love this person, their welfare should be at the front of your mind. Anyone who's says they love another person and then proceeds to think the worst of them or treat them like they're irrational (the "tut-tut" response which makes me red-line) or not as intelligent is ridiculous. You treat that girl/guy as you would want to be treated, end of story. That doesn't control decibel levels (because some couples like to have a good door-slammer and then making up later with the same energy) but it does keep a mortal wound from being laid.

The people I have loved most deeply are the kind I can already argue with. I can tell how much I love them by the level of anger I can feel and STILL want to take a bullet for them.

[Lateralus]

Don't allow yourself to get spiteful. It's not worth it...ever.

[JivinJeffJones]

Originally Posted by dissonance

if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

The INFJs I know take this advice entirely too far. They just will not let something drop. I think they're all afraid of being doormats or something, with the result being that they hound you about every little thing until you blow your stack and tell them to fuck off. Then they give you a week or two to cool down and start feeling horribly guilty and then start up again on the same fucking subject.

Honestly, I think some things you just have to accept aren't gonna change and either let them slide or call the whole thing off. There's a lot to be said for letting them slide. So they aren't perfect? Just as well.

[Priam]

Originally Posted by wedekit

I have an ENFP friend with an INTP boyfriend that she has dated for about one year. She has such strong passive-aggressive tendencies when it comes to him. She will get mad about something but internalize it and not bring it up, and when she collects enough she just lets all of her feelings spill out on him. He responds by thinking she is hysterical or trying to manipulate him, and so he tries to logically explain her feelings to her. She takes this as him trying to criticize her intelligence, leaving her feeling valueless. It's a vicious cycle that they go through often.

Exactly the danger! The terrible part is how hard it can be to break out of these cycles, especially when they're enshrined as habitual. The misunderstanding can rapidly turn into relationship dogma, where she always expects he's patronizing her and he always expects she's a hairs-breadth from total psycho. That's how two loving people morph into tragic caricatures...

[alcea rosea]

No matter what MBTI types are in a relationship (I think that basically any type combination can work) it's important to have similar values and some similar interests. +lots of work, love , flexibility, dedication, support and so on. So, it's not just a party, it's also lots of hard work especially when the bad times arrive. And there are some bad times in each relationship.