ESTJ dating ISTP

[jlw]

So I've been dating A male ISTP for over two years. We both have our own places. Our relationship is a lot of fun, we enjoy each other's conversation allow each other to have freedom and space. Im extremely in tune to what the ISTP is all about and I've taken my time to understand that personality. My question is this, ww have our own place lots of times it works out where I just stay at his place all weekend because it's easier. But we never discussed where I go during the week. So I often just leave him a note and let him know I'm back at my place. I've often brought this up for discussion but we never discuss it it is always left up in the air. For example we ended up getting a puppy or I guess I should say he got a puppy we picked it out together. Monday rolls around and I said I guess I'll go back to my place for the week he did not say anything, 8 o'clock at night I get a text message hey you need to come back here and help sit the puppy. So I ended up staying all week to help with the puppy. Now it's Monday again and I figured I'll go back to my place tonight so I did m nothings been said. My question or questions is that this is going on for two years I know ISTP do not like commitments, they take it day by day, I'm just not sure what he's thinking about this and I've asked him a direct question to get a direct answer and I get nothing. Not sure what he's thinking. He is definitely an I STP in every way he gives gifts, he's very spontaneous hard-working extremely observant, hears everything for exactly what the person says that is why I have been very specific in my question to him.

 

[ceecee]

Wow, what a life this ISTP has. Nice and convenient (for him) as you do whatever he asks. The whole "ISTP's don't like commitment" works beautifully. For him. He can lead you on indefinitely and do whatever he likes (get the puppy) because you won't call him on it. So call him out on it. And stay at your own place for awhile. I don't understand why people think - because this person is "spontaneous hard-working extremely observant, gives gifts " - they can't possibly be bad relationship material.

 

[jlw]

Well I took it as his dog was killed and a new puppy was bought to replace her and used that as his way of asking me to come and stay that night. But maybe I being foolish. After three years I guess I'm thinking we should be able to discuss what we are both wanting. I'm good with the space and living our own lives, I just would prefer to talk about it. As far as "nice and convenient for him" he seems to be all good with me being at my place this week. And I have done it quite often. I was hoping to get some input from other ISTP's into their way of thinking about relationships.

 

[Earl Grey]

This has nothing to do with spontaneity, and more to his respect and courtesy for you (or seeming lack thereof in this aspect). It is not his place to make decisions for you, and being spontaneous has nothing to do with it, they are mutually exclusive. He can very well remain spontaneous (be as he is) but not push his obligations onto others, expecting them to pick up HIS slack. That is disrespectful. He does not have to change how he works, but if he has any respect for others at all (not just you)- he should understand that he cannot dump the obligations of his own choices onto others and taking for granted that they would tag along and follow suit for some reason. Maybe he would accept being treated that way himself- no matter, he cannot expect or force you to do the same, and must respect your wishes. It is as simple as that- if I were you, I would outright tell my partner that they cannot make my decisions for me, but the main idea is the same. Communicate it to him how you see fit and in a way that works between you two.

I was hoping to get some input from other ISTP's into their way of thinking about relationships. After three years I guess I'm thinking we should be able to discuss what we are both wanting. I'm good with the space and living our own lives, I just would prefer to talk about it.

I have ISTP friends who are accountable for themselves. Such basic respect (or lack thereof) is not type-related. His spontaneity as an ISTP has nothing to do with it- again, he can remain the spontaneous, hardworking ISTP he is while learning some respect. From your post, it seems that you have been pulling the brunt of that weight without him pitching in his own effort in that area.