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How to fix things with my ex ISTJ boyfriend

Lilacliving

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Joined
Jan 12, 2017
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5
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INFP
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9
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sx/sp
I am an INFP who had dated a guy for around four months who was an ISTJ my freshman year of college into the summer. He was super polite when he was just interested in me and we pretty much "pre-dated" all of freshman year and we tried to make it more serious but I kind of panicked so we gave it a rest for a few months and then we tried it again the month before the semester ended, and I was all in.
I worked a pretty time demanding job over the summer and so does he, not to mention we live extremely far away from each other so the only contact we had was either video calls or texting. I begin to notice similarities between our estrangement and me and my previous ex-boyfriends horrible end to our last relationship, so I ended up panicking again, and I didn't want another horrible breakup and for him to leave me, so I ended it right before we went back to school. (So stupid) but I had some pretty bad reactions to my last break up and I couldn't go through that again. I apparently completely blindsided him though and he wasn't expecting it all.
when I got back to school I immediately regretted what I had done and I still do. I tried to meet up with him and talk it out, but he was mainly quiet, which is to be expected, and I mainly just apologized the whole time. Which is fine, that needed to be done. It's been a whole semester now and at first he was just kind of snarky to me when we would talk but eventually he kind of came around and things are pretty civil. It would be helpful though if I weren't a bumbling idiot every time I try to talk to him though lol...
I never really regret anything in life because I realize that everything needs to happen for its own reason, and I try to respect the faults we make. But this is something I can't really shake. I really know I messed up and I want to make it right. Even if it is just to be really good friends again. I just miss him. Any help would be great, thanks ☺
 

highlander

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I think he probably feels like he can't rely on you.
 

Lilacliving

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How can I prove that he can rely on me then?
 

highlander

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How can I prove that he can rely on me then?

Be honest in explaining exactly what happened, apologize, beg for forgiveness and don't pull away unexpectedly again.
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
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Perhaps some self-introspection, a little growth, an apology and explanation, and some provisional time to think might help.
 

1487610420

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Messages
6,431
I am an INFP who had dated a guy for around four months who was an ISTJ my freshman year of college into the summer. He was super polite when he was just interested in me and we pretty much "pre-dated" all of freshman year and we tried to make it more serious but I kind of panicked so we gave it a rest for a few months and then we tried it again the month before the semester ended, and I was all in.
I worked a pretty time demanding job over the summer and so does he, not to mention we live extremely far away from each other so the only contact we had was either video calls or texting. I begin to notice similarities between our estrangement and me and my previous ex-boyfriends horrible end to our last relationship, so I ended up panicking again, and I didn't want another horrible breakup and for him to leave me, so I ended it right before we went back to school. (So stupid) but I had some pretty bad reactions to my last break up and I couldn't go through that again. I apparently completely blindsided him though and he wasn't expecting it all.
when I got back to school I immediately regretted what I had done and I still do. I tried to meet up with him and talk it out, but he was mainly quiet, which is to be expected, and I mainly just apologized the whole time. Which is fine, that needed to be done. It's been a whole semester now and at first he was just kind of snarky to me when we would talk but eventually he kind of came around and things are pretty civil. It would be helpful though if I weren't a bumbling idiot every time I try to talk to him though lol...
I never really regret anything in life because I realize that everything needs to happen for its own reason, and I try to respect the faults we make. But this is something I can't really shake. I really know I messed up and I want to make it right. Even if it is just to be really good friends again. I just miss him. Any help would be great, thanks ☺

for whom?

 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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I think explaining the past situations will be helpful. He will want it to make sense and explaining past experiences as you have here helps the unexpected behavior make sense. I think an ISTJ in particular would like the history and reasoning behind it.
 

highlander

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I think explaining the past situations will be helpful. He will want it to make sense and explaining past experiences as you have here helps the unexpected behavior make sense. I think an ISTJ in particular would like the history and reasoning behind it.

Yes exactly
 

Lilacliving

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for whom?
For him... I hate hurting people and I know I royally screwed with his head... and for me I guess because I do miss him in my life, even in the simplest ways
 

1487610420

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For him... I hate hurting people and I know I royally screwed with his head... and for me I guess because I do miss him in my life, even in the simplest ways

You know you. Would you want to have you around, if you were him?
 

Norrsken

self murderer
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Remember to seek peace from within yourself before you go fixing up the mess you left behind. You are not a bad person, and it is through self love that can make him see that you are trying to change for the better, which will then win his respect for you again. ISTJ are very pragmatic people, so you've got to think of it like he does.
 

Lilacliving

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You know you. Would you want to have you around, if you were him?

I can see what you're getting at with the spoiler, but my feelings are the only thing I have right now because he is so hard to read... I really only know my side of the story, and I want to hear his but I need to earn his trust back before he will tell me anything.
And it makes sense for me to think of myself first in relationships sometimes, because I was in a long term relationship before where all I did was focus on the other person and protecting them that I ended up developing some really bad self depricating habits and hurting myself, so I'm still trying to find the balance between it all. As a result, I wasted a really great opportunity to be with someone and be genuinely happy with them, because I was selfish.
 

Lilacliving

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Remember to seek peace from within yourself before you go fixing up the mess you left behind. You are not a bad person, and it is through self love that can make him see that you are trying to change for the better, which will then win his respect for you again. ISTJ are very pragmatic people, so you've got to think of it like he does.
thank you so much... that means a lot to me, and is very helpful
 

Tilt

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ISTJs tend to highly value consistency, and more linear, calm reasoning. If you can do that, ISTJs can be accepting and patient. However, they have little patience for erratic, unpredictable emotionally-driven behavior.
 

existence

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Nov 28, 2015
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352
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ISTJ
I am an INFP who had dated a guy for around four months who was an ISTJ my freshman year of college into the summer. He was super polite when he was just interested in me and we pretty much "pre-dated" all of freshman year and we tried to make it more serious but I kind of panicked so we gave it a rest for a few months and then we tried it again the month before the semester ended, and I was all in.
I worked a pretty time demanding job over the summer and so does he, not to mention we live extremely far away from each other so the only contact we had was either video calls or texting. I begin to notice similarities between our estrangement and me and my previous ex-boyfriends horrible end to our last relationship, so I ended up panicking again, and I didn't want another horrible breakup and for him to leave me, so I ended it right before we went back to school. (So stupid) but I had some pretty bad reactions to my last break up and I couldn't go through that again. I apparently completely blindsided him though and he wasn't expecting it all.
when I got back to school I immediately regretted what I had done and I still do. I tried to meet up with him and talk it out, but he was mainly quiet, which is to be expected, and I mainly just apologized the whole time. Which is fine, that needed to be done. It's been a whole semester now and at first he was just kind of snarky to me when we would talk but eventually he kind of came around and things are pretty civil. It would be helpful though if I weren't a bumbling idiot every time I try to talk to him though lol...
I never really regret anything in life because I realize that everything needs to happen for its own reason, and I try to respect the faults we make. But this is something I can't really shake. I really know I messed up and I want to make it right. Even if it is just to be really good friends again. I just miss him. Any help would be great, thanks ☺

This is just from my ISTJ perspective now.

If you want to make it right, you have to know if there's still a problem. Find a good time for talking and ask him what he thinks about this, does he still have any left-over resentment etc.

Also, see below.


I think explaining the past situations will be helpful. He will want it to make sense and explaining past experiences as you have here helps the unexpected behavior make sense. I think an ISTJ in particular would like the history and reasoning behind it.

Yep I would like to hear that, too.


ISTJs tend to highly value consistency, and more linear, calm reasoning. If you can do that, ISTJs can be accepting and patient. However, they have little patience for erratic, unpredictable emotionally-driven behavior.

Emotions aren't a problem on their own. I don't need people to be capable of "linear, calm reasoning" all the time. But, if the behaviour gets too unpredictable, yeah, that's a problem, such a person will have to make some adjustments if they want to get along with me long term. I can adjust too, if the other party gives me enough information so that I can put the bits together and understand what's going on. All in all, communication about these things is very much key for me.
 
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