I'm not sure if it's considered cool to bring up old threads - I feel like I've seen someone complain about it in other messagespaces so apologies in advance, but I just read this whole thing and wanted to comment on a couple of things...
As an INTP, I have experienced this soul-mate feeling with an ENFJ. It was completely and totally shocking to me that this was even possible.
Here's a matter I was just discussing with Sis last night. The recurring fear by the INTP that they'll be consumed somehow or lose identity. That's not what happens, because quite frankly, I hold onto my identity with an iron grip too, and resent any dilution. Do INTPs pick partners, then, based on the idea that this person hits the "mind" marks but will never "own" the INTP on any level?
No, but that fear does exist. I think immature INTPs would probably look for someone that only hits on the mind. They'll realize their mistake eventually.
That fear is STRONG with me. Any feeling that a partner is trying to control/change/manipulate will get a very negative reaction from me, with emotional distance as a result. I consider the emotional "port" to be a weakness in my character (I mean that vicerally I feel this, but I also have a logical understanding that emotional openness is necessary for a real relationship and would like to grow away from this feeling). Consequently I have been with only NT types before the malatov cocktail of the ENFJ entered my life. Now it's like the lights have gone on - I was trying to achieve "safe" before, but safe is not happy and is not growing. While NT relationships can work for me (in terms of stability and things being congenial), I find that the superficial connections which seemed so important in the beginning will begin to pale later on when the passion dies down and you being to feel rather more like roommates or friends than lovers.
IOW, I've never met an emotimnally available INTP ready for a relationship, which doesn't mean they don't exist just that I haven't seen it.
I have been emotionally available for all my relationships. Which is odd, because I score as a very strong T, but then sometimes I think I might fall into the trap of idealizing myself when taking the test (I consider only logic! F*** emotions!)
The most important thing is for the INTP to feel safe expressing their inner-most thoughts. Esp. when those thoughts can be abhorrent to the other person. As they will be, because INTPs think of the worst things.
This is so true. Also, for the INTP, it's easy to be a bit of a chameleon and match the vibes of another person for the sake of harmony, but this always involves hiding certain parts away. Finding that I could be completely honest with the ENFJ, was amazing.
Ha! Funny you say this. Anyone I've ever really dated has asked me out.
Myself I am too cowardly to use words to ask someone out (or was, when younger. Now I think if the situation arose I might be man, er, woman enough). Instead, historically 100% of the time (not a large sample size though) I just hooked up with the person. It's the Fe coming out a bit retarded. Hey we made out! See, I like you!
Also, your observation "They just took what they were handed and called it "being in love", even when the match was clearly bad or destructive," rings very true for me. Even in my relationship now, I take what I'm given and work with what I can. I never bring up things that make me unhappy, or worry me, or maybe talk about something I'd like to be improved, because they are my feelings and I don't think I can back them up, or rationalize them in any kind of argument. I have trouble making a stand when I do not think I can defend myself, and when I air out my grievances, worries, or feelings, I feel defenseless. Also, I'm afraid that me bringing anything like that up, will change the relationship for the worse, so I stay bottled in. Funny this whole thread got brought up too, because I just realized I wasn't as happy as I used to be in my relationship about a week ago . That's what I get for not taking my "emotional temperature" very often. Sometimes you just wake up and one day you wonder how the hell you got to where you are.
This. This is true. INTPs really really must learn this temperature-taking (I'm lecturing myself here) or they will be faced with abrupt and challenging wake-up calls seemingly out of nowhere but were long-simmering in the background if they think about it.
