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  1. #311
    videodrones; questions Verfremdungseffekt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Poriferan View Post
    For me, my explanation is that it simply isn't true. I prefer to take things that come to me, but I'm very picky, and don't take anything that comes my way. The part I bolded would not apply to me. I have actually had people express interest in me before (may be surprising) but I've politely declined them. They weren't what I wanted.
    That's about it. I'm, er, turning out to be a bit of a jerk on the soft rejection conveyor belt. It takes something remarkable to get my attention, then something even more special to make me actively interested.

    My last partner -- INFJ -- often confronted me with the same argument. I tried to explain it to her, but that just seemed to annoy her further.

    What you may be missing here is how incisive and particular the INTP mind tends to be. Anything I do like, I choose very very carefully. Something that kept bewildering her was the quality of my friends. You'd think she would have made some connection there, but I guess not.

  2. #312
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Hi Spartacuss

    Quote Originally Posted by Spartacuss View Post
    +1.
    Admittedly, high energy "exergonic" people (and extroverts generally) are totally not my speed, and I don't imagine they would find me sufficiently emotionally available for them.
    What do you consider emotionally available? I gave an example as a response to this post from Tallulah. What do you think about that? I'm curious to know if we're on the same page. To summarize my definition, it's basically willingness/openness/comfortableness to moving beyond basic getting to know you questions and into meatier stuff. We're no longer talking about politics, or why you like this film or musical artist, or other impersonal topics. After a mutually reasonable amount of time has passed for two people who want to see if they're romantically compatible.

    I've already mentioned that I'm over prying people open, it used to be an egotrip thing for me but now I'm just meh about it. Same goes with the initiating, I'm very comfortable in the initiator role but it's just like you get tired of always being the one to cast your line out first. Like I said, it's not easy to put yourself out there for most people and that includes me. I fear rejection just as much as anyone else, but it's something stronger than that fear motivating me to try. When people that let that fear rule them, their attractiveness just diminishes in my eyes. The trying is so important to me.

    OK, the lack of trying just sets off all types of possible indicators in my head. One that I've recently discovered is that I wonder how much of a fighting spirit that person has, how determined they are, how easily dissuaded they are. I extrapolate--and I totally admit this may be incorrect--that if a person consistently flees the role of initiator then these are qualities they lack. I can't make myself be attracted to a person like this, not that this is an INTP thing but it's been mentioned several times in this thread and generally around the forum.

    Just because someone is incompatible with you doesn't mean there's something wrong with them such that you need to "teach" them how to navigate the emotional waters.
    Agreed.

    And the most emotionally immature persons I've known were two very expressive ENFs who would just scorch you with their uncontrolled, manipulative (to me) and highly selfish emotional expressiveness. They probably see that as something desirable. I do not. Nor do I want to be taught to be that way.
    That's cool as well.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
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  3. #313
    wholly charmed Spartacuss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Hi Spartacuss

    What do you consider emotionally available? I gave an example as a response to this post from Tallulah. What do you think about that? I'm curious to know if we're on the same page. To summarize my definition, it's basically willingness/openness/comfortableness to moving beyond basic getting to know you questions and into meatier stuff. We're no longer talking about politics, or why you like this film or musical artist, or other impersonal topics. After a mutually reasonable amount of time has passed for two people who want to see if they're romantically compatible.
    I've already mentioned that I'm over prying people open, it used to be an egotrip thing for me but now I'm just meh about it. Same goes with the initiating, I'm very comfortable in the initiator role but it's just like you get tired of always being the one to cast your line out first. Like I said, it's not easy to put yourself out there for most people and that includes me. I fear rejection just as much as anyone else, but it's something stronger than that fear motivating me to try. When people that let that fear rule them, their attractiveness just diminishes in my eyes. The trying is so important to me.
    no doubt. The difference may lie in what they see as a reasonable amount of time. I have had the rather unpleasant experience of being ambushed (and I do not use this word lightly) by extroverted feelers who both gave and expected too much too soon. And while my comparatively cold reaction may have led them to think I'm emotionally unavailable, that is not the case. It's just the pace and level were... i think the word "inorganic" might fit. I've had the same experience with non-romantic settings as well. Maybe it's that some of us take more time to feel out the other person to know if we want to go there, but that willingness to dive deeper is not absent, it's just very selectively given. And it's not necessarily a fear of rejection that's at the root of it. It's just doesn't feel right yet. When it does, I don't need steering to navigate the waters. But it probably won't if it's a teacher-student set-up.


    Personally, when I do decide i'm interested in finding out more, there is no lack of willingness to "try" as you put it - or initiate more searching discussions.

    I believe you, 3/4 of my INTP friends are females which does make the dynamic quite different if you ask me.
    Hmm ... good point.
    Ti (43); Ne (41.8); Te (33.7); Fi (30.5); Ni (27.5); Se (24.7); Si (21.5); Fe (17.3)
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  4. #314
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Hmm, I have that thing about never knowing if someone's being friendly or being interested, as well. I always default to "friendly." I never assume they're interested. I'm getting better at reading signals, but yeah, confidence in that area comes and goes.
    Something Witty

  5. #315
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    If it's any consolation, unless the guy metaphorically has his hand up my shirt, I default instantly to "just interested" not "in love/like with me". I always assumed it was just my own natural kneejerk suspicion of intention.

    I'm going to assume we're friends until something is said otherwise. Insist on dancing around the edge and being coy, and you won't be getting any attention from me. I hate it when I get treated like a friend all the while easily detecting prompts meant to make ME say something more-than-friendly first. No thanks.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #316
    Senior Member Littlelostnf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    If it's any consolation, unless the guy metaphorically has his hand up my shirt, I default instantly to "just interested" not "in love/like with me". I always assumed it was just my own natural kneejerk suspicion of intention.

    I'm going to assume we're friends until something is said otherwise. Insist on dancing around the edge and being coy, and you won't be getting any attention from me. I hate it when I get treated like a friend all the while easily detecting prompts meant to make ME say something more-than-friendly first. No thanks.
    Get the heck up outta my head. Exactly as above (me). The guy really does have to make the first move I assume nothing.
    for my life is slowed up by thought and the need to understand what I am living.

  7. #317
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    From personal experience, I don't understand the NTJ and NFP match-up. I could see it working with an ENFP and INTJ, but as an INFP who has casually dated a few INTJs, I just don't see the appeal. I felt like these guys could never understand who I am at the core; maybe since an ENFP has a more open temper, it would work better. I don't know any ENTJs, so I don't know if it would be the same way...
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #318
    Member FlamingMask's Avatar
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    I think INTP/ENFJ works because each person brings a completely different perspective but frames it in the same context. And both share some odd characteristics, but for different reasons.

    By the way, why is it that of every "soulmates thread" I've seen, almost all of them are INTP/ENFJ? I've seen INTJ/ENFP, INTP/ENTJ, and a few others, but this pairing appears to be the most prominent.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    If it's any consolation, unless the guy metaphorically has his hand up my shirt, I default instantly to "just interested" not "in love/like with me". I always assumed it was just my own natural kneejerk suspicion of intention.

    I'm going to assume we're friends until something is said otherwise. Insist on dancing around the edge and being coy, and you won't be getting any attention from me. I hate it when I get treated like a friend all the while easily detecting prompts meant to make ME say something more-than-friendly first. No thanks.
    That's funny because it's that way with most INTPs also. So it's good to be up front. And I appreciate that.
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  9. #319
    Senior Member Valuable_Money's Avatar
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    I FEEL VERY STUPID FOR MAKING THIS POST IGNORE IT.
    Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh? wgah'nagl fhtagn

  10. #320
    Earth Exalted Thursday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valuable_Money View Post
    Hey guys, mabye we could put an end to the 30+ page discussion on how ENFJ/INTP pairings are SOOOO AWSOME?
    Mabye we could talk about some other pairings? mabye?
    that is not the purpose of the thread
    we could evolve and consider the NFJ + NTP tandem
    I N V I C T U S

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