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  1. #251
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littlelostnf View Post
    Ok so how do you do it now? I don't think with our history that he and I will ever be friends again...which is unfortunate. I really miss him, however, I think (I'm stressing that) he wanted to much of me without wanting all of me and the two can't be separated. I realized I could only go so far without losing more of me than I wanted to someone who didn't want it all...but he would be upset if I backed off..which I prob did clumsily I admit but I saw it needed to be done. Anyway...

    How did you manage to keep "it" on a healthy level...I'm assuming you've got what a mindmate that isn't your mate? (Just don't answer if that's too personal)...apologize in advance if it is.
    Realizing that some things are only ephemeral, and don't need to be acted upon.

    The mindmate and I have no boundaries, intellectually. We can, and do discuss, anything. And that's where it remains. On the idea level.

  2. #252
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Yeah, that's scary and it's scary for most people.

    Is an INTP capable of creating an emotional safe space for their partner to open up in the same way or is this dependent on the other partner just being out with it?

    Because it's damn hard to put yourself out there like that as I'm sure you know. Who gets the luxury of making sure the coast is clear?
    Partners or mindmates, yes. For the non-immature INTPs, that is. For everyone else? Not so much.

    The most important thing is for the INTP to feel safe expressing their inner-most thoughts. Esp. when those thoughts can be abhorrent to the other person. As they will be, because INTPs think of the worst things.

  3. #253
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    You wanna know how I got these scars?
    Cut yourself with your pacifier?


  4. #254
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Cut yourself with your pacifier?

    It was a milk bottle you horrible J person!

  5. #255
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    You don't get to see the dark parts unless you're really special, like a romantic partner.
    i agree w/ protean, it's not type specific imo.

    I call that "physical".
    physicality is transference to another human... i opted to put a hole in a wall rather do something unforgivable which in my mind is harming another person and losing my restraint...

    in 'wuthering heights', ellen the maid describes catherine as being a wayward, quarrelsome girl, her temper matching the "[seasons] of steady rain"(193) at the heights; yet "she [has] the bonniest eye, the sweetest smile, and lightest Foot in the parish"... that pretty much sums up being an nfj... when i watched the masterpiece theater version recently, the girl playing Catherine is an enfj in ways that can't be learned, right down to the emotional wrack that i've experienced so many times where i can do nothing but stand there and shake...

    Like the Grange, Catherine often evinces warmth in her own feminine sense of tenderness, and she strives to be polite and civilized; but like the Heights, Catherine can be stormy and almost violently ardent at times. This trait is exemplified when, after a quarrel with Heathcliff and Edgar, she resolves to "dashing her head against the arm of the sofa, and grinding her teeth, so that [one] might fancy she would crash them to splinters"(157).
    perfect summation of what impossible and protracted conflict does to me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Littlelostnf View Post
    That's funny...an INTP friend I had I actually said that to him. This is something I don't need to experience unless we're sleeping together and we weren't, just good friends. I think he showed me more than he really wanted to but it was just easy like that. Prob one of the reasons we're not still really friends. I don't think his wife or he could handle it.
    this reminds me of that intp er doctor... he was really terse and clinical when he first arrived, but something happened.... i can't say exactly what.... a wild look in my eyes, a shut-down, an unbreakable silence... something... he got down on his knees in front of me and quietly pleaded with me to speak to him, like he knew me and something really wrong was happening and i had to be pulled out... it was the strangest scene, like time had suspended...

    Quote Originally Posted by Littlelostnf View Post
    Ooo robot...hmmm that is me when it's BAD.

    I'm sorry you've had the dark things shape so much of your past...I hope the future is alot lighter and less of a burden. It's so important for people who love other people to have peace. They can contribute sooo much more that way.

    I wish you peace.
    thank you, honey.... you're very kind...

  6. #256
    Senior Member Littlelostnf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    Realizing that some things are only ephemeral, and don't need to be acted upon.

    The mindmate and I have no boundaries, intellectually. We can, and do discuss, anything. And that's where it remains. On the idea level.
    I love that word...ephemeral.
    Do I think having a connection is short lived..hmmmm I think....

    When you connect deeply and quickly and then build on that....it never really goes away. You just have to "go away" from each other.

    Your wife is cool with that eh...good thing you're not married to an NF...I'm kinda thinking you must not be cause I don't think an NF could stand it. She'd want it all....specially if she could give it to you.
    for my life is slowed up by thought and the need to understand what I am living.

  7. #257
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    Quote Originally Posted by Littlelostnf View Post
    I love that word...ephemeral.
    Do I think having a connection is short lived..hmmmm I think....

    When you connect deeply and quickly and then build on that....it never really goes away. You just have to "go away" from each other.

    Your wife is cool with that eh...good thing you're not married to an NF...I'm kinda thinking you must not be cause I don't think an NF could stand it. She'd want it all....specially if she could give it to you.
    Oh no, she freaked out (mostly based on my guilty reaction). She's much better with it now that I'm not so freaked out myself. Hell... they've met in person!

  8. #258
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    Partners or mindmates, yes. For the non-immature INTPs, that is. For everyone else? Not so much.

    The most important thing is for the INTP to feel safe expressing their inner-most thoughts. Esp. when those thoughts can be abhorrent to the other person. As they will be, because INTPs think of the worst things.
    Yeah, I get that; it's everywhere on the forums.

    What I'm asking is what does the INTP DO to create an emotional safe space for their partner to deepen the relationship? That's why I have INTPs as friends. I don't mind talking about the ideas and thoughts, etc., but what of the rest? All I hear about is the INTP (like everyone else ) needs to have one opened for themselves. This is the major problem with ENFJ/INTP relationships...you have one partner who it's nearly their reason for being to do this kind of thing and another partner who is basically clueless of how to do this. It's unequal, it's teacher/student. Maybe one day the student will master their lessons but what happens in the mean time?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  9. #259
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    It was a milk bottle you horrible J person!
    Damn straight.

  10. #260
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    IOW, I've never met an emotionally available INTP ready for a relationship, which doesn't mean they don't exist just that I haven't seen it.
    I don't think this is a fair statement. You haven't met an INTP that's as emotionally available as you would like them to be, but admittedly, you have high emotional availability standards. Everyone has their own level of comfort with sharing emotions or needing to get them out. Just because an INTP doesn't need to vent all the time doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, or that he isn't capable of being your emotional rock.

    You can't really say that someone's not ready for a relationship if you're just judging them by the standards you personally have for a relationship. All you can say, really, is that they're not a good candidate for a relationship with you, which is fine.

    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post

    Is an INTP capable of creating an emotional safe space for their partner to open up in the same way or is this dependent on the other partner just being out with it?

    Because it's damn hard to put yourself out there like that as I'm sure you know. Who gets the luxury of making sure the coast is clear?
    Holy crap, yes. I feel like this is one of my strongest qualities. Young INTPs, not so much--they'll just point out where you're being illogical or whatever. But a mature INTP is a wonderful sounding board/safe place, because we see things from all sides, we don't judge you for having certain feelings, and we don't take things personally.

    I've never dated a male ENFJ, so I have no idea how INTP/ENFJ would play out in a relationship. I do have several female ENFJ friends, and as far as I can tell, I'm the one they call when they do need to vent without being judged.
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