• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Understanding but not directly admitting it

black

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2014
Messages
25
MBTI Type
INTJ
Most of the time I understand way more than what I let others imagine, but I'll pretend I don't because sometimes it's just "better" that way. I'm a very calm and peaceful person; I avoid conflicts because most of the time there is no need for them. Most issues can be solved peacefully, calmly and elegantly and if it costs me little effort, I'll try to make my environment peaceful. I won't give a shit about the issue when the other person is unreasonable and would make reasoning with them just a waste of energy; in that case I'll just send them to hell and ignore them.

When someone is pissed off at me, I know it. I can clearly spot all those different than usual particulars, but I won't directly address the issue. Instead, I'll pretend I haven't understood that they are angry at me and I'll try to understand why in the meantime. Once I "get" what's wrong, and it's always a misunderstanding because of how I express myself, I non-chalantly say some things that makes the other person indirectly understand that he/she misunderstood and so the issue is solved.

If you saw the scene in 3rd person, you would think that A got angry at B because A thinks that B was being cold/heartless/asshole/unfriendly/angry, and so A is all grumpy and cold but then A slowly realizes that B isn't actually angry/cold/whatever and that he's rambling about his usual stuff and is totally unaware of any conflict between them, and so A gets back to normal and realizes that it was all a misunderstanding, thinking "Oh, I was so stupid /facepalm, he's like always so he didn't mean it like that!".

However, B actually knew that A thought there were some unresolved conflicts and acted "normal" in order to make A understand that nothing had changed between them. I'm often misunderstood. I'm different from most of the people I usually meet and rarely will they accept a different view on the world in general. I understand why they don't understand me, but most of the time I won't change myself to please others. They have to accept the different just like I do with them. I could make things easier by telling them why I do this and that and "justify" myself, but I don't owe anyone any explanation. I do understand but I refuse to acknowledge it and I continue to act like myself.



There are some other times when I clearly understand what the other people want to get at; I can clearly see all the set up of the conversation and how they started it and all the small talk before it that so obviously prepares for the real goal of the conversation. I can clearly see all of it, but I'll pretend I don't and act dumb.

There are times when my female colleague, who sees in me a very good friend, tries to share her problems with me by indirectly telling me the issue. I know she wants me to comfort her, I know she just wants to be listened, I know she would like to hear my opinion, I know all of it. But I won't tag along. If I'm not in the mood, I'll pretend I don't know what she wants from me and dismiss her with a "whatever" or "ok". If I'm in the mood... well, that's worse, because I'll "tease" her until she spits out what she actually wants. I don't know why I enjoy this morbid game of extracting the truth from others. I enjoy hearing them say it out clear. I know what they mean but I want them to clearly say it.

I also hate when other people try to sugarcoat things and I'll do everything to make them spit the harsh truth and be the most direct possible. I'm a seeker of truth.



Sometimes I just refuse to show that I understood because it goes against my "character".



What do you call this? Why do I do this (I can brainstorm many ideas as to why I do this, but I would like to know what's the more probable reason)? Do you do this as well? Also, from a 3rd point of view, someone could say that I lack empathy and don't understand emotions. I convinced myself of this as well but then I realized that I understand waaaay more than what others see, waaay more. Is this some kind of silent empathy? What cognitive functions are at play here? Do you smell INTP in this post :D? Or perhaps INFJ or some other type?
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
This all sounds incredibly passive-aggressive, especially after your comment about avoiding conflict. I don't think it's that you misunderstand emotion or lack empathy. I think you see people playing mind games (by not directly saying things) and since they don't, you want to play the game because you think you can play it better. I smell something here and it smells shitty. And not very INTJ.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
i don't know if it's type related but where i'm from that's called being a weasel. p.s. I didn't read all the of the op, 5 paragraphs??? psshhh don't care enough to bother.
 

BadOctopus

Suave y Fuerte
Joined
Oct 9, 2014
Messages
3,232
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
So you're a "seeker of truth", but you intentionally deceive others by playing dumb and pretending not to understand them, in order to avoid conflict?

I just... wow. The hypocrisy is strong with this one.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
So you're a "seeker of truth", but you intentionally deceive others by playing dumb and pretending not to understand them, in order to avoid conflict?

I just... wow. The hypocrisy is strong with this one.

is it hypocritical if you don't play dumb but people assume you are, and you've just stopped arguing cuz it's too much fucking effort and they're not gonna change, and you don't care about them because of some reason?
 

Noon

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
790
The op is kind of confusing but in a more serious answer

Ni is hit and miss. I've had times where I was so sure I was linking in to some hidden dynamic but was just being paranoid, times where I was linked in but departing at the wrong station, and times where I wasn't and something came seemingly out of nowhere. You can't go around saying it's this and that way - I've done it before, embarrassingly - when you actually don't know for sure. That's how you create problems where they previously didn't exist.

I've also had times where someone was pissed at me for something I didn't even do, and those times are genuinely confusing. None of it would happen if people would just be open from the get go.
 

Chthonic

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2014
Messages
683
Thanks for the frank disclosure on your lack of emotional intelligence. What do you do for an encore?
 

BadOctopus

Suave y Fuerte
Joined
Oct 9, 2014
Messages
3,232
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
is it hypocritical if you don't play dumb but people assume you are, and you've just stopped arguing cuz it's too much fucking effort and they're not gonna change, and you don't care about them because of some reason?
No, that wouldn't be hypocritical; like you said, you wouldn't actually be pretending to be dumb. People would just assume you're dumb, when in reality it's just called not giving a crap about the conversation.

But valuing honesty in others while deliberately being dishonest with them? That is hypocritical.
 

LonestarCowgirl

New member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
482
[MENTION=23127]black[/MENTION], my understanding of selective inattention (aka, playing dumb) is it's a form of control and manipulation; however, I don't think that's always the case.

Are you afraid of the pain of loss? Do you feel any guilt after you do it?
 

black

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2014
Messages
25
MBTI Type
INTJ
So you're a "seeker of truth", but you intentionally deceive others by playing dumb and pretending not to understand them, in order to avoid conflict?

I just... wow. The hypocrisy is strong with this one.
I'm usually myself with what I do... to a certain extent that doesn't cause me too much hassle. Having unusual hobbies and having a different thought can cause people to misunderstand me often and I don't have the time and the energy to explain every fucking one how and why my mind works that way and that I don't hate them. Most of the time it's easier to go with the silent way which isn't even lying. To lie is to say something that is not true, but what I do is omitting details. That isn't lying... I could manipulate if I wanted. I could fake so many things that my life would be a lot easier but I refuse to. Perhaps I prefer so much sticking to my T that I refuse to acknowledge my F skills. Or maybe this is not F-relate but N-related.

Skinny-Love said:
@black, my understanding of selective inattention (aka, playing dumb) is it's a form of control and manipulation; however, I don't think that's always the case.

Are you afraid of the pain of loss? Do you feel any guilt after you do it?
Not afraid of pain and not even guilty after it. It's just that I was usually underestimated when I was younger and later on learnt that when someone underestimates you, they let their guard down and it's easier for me to take control. Now that I think about it, I can see why I do this: it gives me more control on a given situation. Not letting out too much, not showing all the cards, it gives me more potential control while still not really lying. I don't like lying meant as telling straight out lies and when necessary, I prefer to hold onto information. I still can tell totally believeable big lies, like very convincing bluffs, but I don't like doing it.

But now I'm more curious about the functions that are at play here: is it a mix of Ni and Fe? I thought I really had a very repressed Fe and I always score INTx. I also noticed that I can camouflage as some other type (ISTJ, INTJ, INTP, ISTP, ENTP, ENTJ, INFP, INFJ) and this caused me some confusion back then, since I could somehow fit any type with some little modification in thought, but I'll elaborate this in another topic (if a chameleon MBTI type exists, lol).
 

black

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2014
Messages
25
MBTI Type
INTJ
Now that I think about it, would this go under the "ignore people's feelings" ?

Before I thought that "Ignoring people's feelings" was referred to the fact of not being aware of their feelings, but it could also be interpreted as "I understand your feelings but they are irrelevant here, so I purposefully ignore them". Is this the right interpretation? If so, then it makes sense to me.
 

Jaguar

Active member
Joined
May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
I'm a seeker of truth and connect dots quickly. If I were to understand their meaning in a convo, but chose to stay in the same mental spot, not moving on, I'd be wasting my time. Do you enjoy wasting your time? I sure don't.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Smells more like an INTJ, I dont see an INTP caring so much about a "lie" or beating around the bush. an INTP is more about categorizing and typing this person is beating around the bush and drawing inferences and following it and seeing where it goes. Finding the truth of the person...AKA...who the person is. By pulling out a lie you actually disturb the truth to a degree. I will do this when I am upset sometimes, pull out the truth because the person doesnt like the truth. This actually puts rifts and distrubances in reality and changes things. But I have analyzed who they are without disturbance that I know the real truth. I have seen alot of times where someone tries to dig and the other person just goes along because they really dont want to deal with it. I have also seen someone steer someone elses vision with their version of the truth and you both end up in left field because you have thoroughly confused the other person on a sub conscious level.

Just my 2 cents based on what I have seen in real life. I am also a people watcher, I dont call them out very much though unless I have a reason to. Most of the time I just learn who they are lies and beating around the bush and all. I frequently scare people because I may start to play with "who they are" for fun.

I tend to use truth to bring about lies by letting the lie go. Alot of times they crumble on themselves if you allow the false truth, direction, etc. to be put into action.
 

laterlazer

good, hot, fresh, fly ~
Joined
Dec 22, 2014
Messages
501
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
592
Instinctual Variant
sp
I actually see what you mean here, I do the same in some instances for example when I can tell someone wants to say something and I don't care about it so I purposely don't bring it up despite picking up on the cues, if they want to say something they should just do it, or when someone clearly is finding it difficult to mention something so I pretend to be clueless cos it might mean they're not sure if they want me to know yet, yet again if you're not going to bring it up yourself I won't do it for you although in a circumstance like that I usually leave chances for the person to say what they want.

I can read some cues like that quite well, I just pick and choose when to follow them and hide behind the fact that the person never explicitly brought it up. (Literally one of my biggest go to excuses for when people get pissed off at me.) But yeah most of the time when I do this it's either because I just don't care or I don't want to get involved in something I haven't been invited into, even though sometimes I know I technically have permission to get involved.

I say the first part is generally being avoidant, can't speak about this morbid extracting truth from others thing though. Ni + suppressed Fe like you said could contribute to your behaviour but idk.

And I agree that sometimes it's just 'better'. E.g. One of my ENFP friends managed to beat out the 'I didn't care' out of me after I played the dumb card for a while in a situation. Though I mostly told her I didn't care to shut her up cos I knew that's what she was looking for. At the end of the day she ignored me for a while after that.
And that's why I'd rather play dumb in some instances, it's better than either pretending to care (at least for me) or just being like 'I don't care.' since that obvs pisses the person off. It's like trying to find that balance between being true to yourself and not offending the other person. It's not exactly honest, but it's not completely dishonest, it's not what's best for the other person but it's not directly harming them either.
 

LonestarCowgirl

New member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
482
Not afraid of pain and not even guilty after it. It's just that I was usually underestimated when I was younger and later on learnt that when someone underestimates you, they let their guard down and it's easier for me to take control. Now that I think about it, I can see why I do this: it gives me more control on a given situation. Not letting out too much, not showing all the cards, it gives me more potential control while still not really lying. I don't like lying meant as telling straight out lies and when necessary, I prefer to hold onto information. I still can tell totally believeable big lies, like very convincing bluffs, but I don't like doing it.

But now I'm more curious about the functions that are at play here: is it a mix of Ni and Fe? I thought I really had a very repressed Fe and I always score INTx. I also noticed that I can camouflage as some other type (ISTJ, INTJ, INTP, ISTP, ENTP, ENTJ, INFP, INFJ) and this caused me some confusion back then, since I could somehow fit any type with some little modification in thought, but I'll elaborate this in another topic (if a chameleon MBTI type exists, lol).

Very interesting. Thanks for answering my questions. I'm prepared to tell you my interpretation, but it might not be pleasant to hear. Do you want to hear it? If you prefer, I can PM it to you. Let me know.
 

boomslang

friendly and accessible
Joined
Sep 24, 2014
Messages
203
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
On behalf of all 8s, we hate you so, so much for doing this.
 
Top