[NT] INTP depression advice?

[headlessredhead]

So fair warning, this is rather personal, but I need advice.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years now, but we've recently started living together. It's not ideal, due to family issues, but it's surviving.
We've both been diagnosed with depression, but I've noticed that our coping methods, and the nature of the depression itself, is sooooooo different. What I need to cope is the exact opposite of what they do, and vice versa. This has become a problem.
I don't like things to be....unruly...or anxious. I want to take care of things, I want to take care of people, I want to take care of my partner in any way that needs to be done. It's who I am. Here's the thing though, when I try to help them, they don't do much. It's hard to get them to tell me anything personal, or anything that can clue me in on their issues. THIS DRIVES ME NUTS.
I understand that as an unemotional person they want to deal with their issues themself, but they aren't really. Every issue gets left alone until it's so bad that it explodes. They don't confront their issues. When I speak up about my thoughts and feelings, we talk, come up with a solution, but they KEEP DOING THE THING? It's like a cycle.
So please, any INTPs, please help me understand. I feel very disconnected and all my attempts at involvement have been less than effective.
Thank you!!

 

[Kullervo]

If he (and you) are depressed how do you know if you are typed correctly? Depression severely affects your ability to experience higher emotional states, and it also eats away at your cognition and ability to concentrate.

I am sorry to change the subject, but it's kind of relevant if you're looking for advice around how to improve a relationship on a typology forum

 

[big sexy]

I do the exact same thing your partner does when I'm depressed or otherwise have other issues. I don't feel comfortable talking to people about deeply personal things and even when I do talk to someone, we come up with solutions that I usually never implement. It's not that I don't trust these people, it's just difficult to talk about my feelings with anyone. I avoid bad situations instead of solving them quickly, allowing them to develop to crises.

Unfortunately, I don't have advice to offer. Are you guys already getting treated or do you have the means to get treatment?

 

[laterlazer]

I'm with big sexy, I do the same and for the most part I wouldn't want to talk about my personal situations. Best thing is to be there for them and continue talking about yourself, let them be there for you. I have no good advice to give either, I'm busy trying to deal with my depression on my own so no way I can be of great help.

I don't know why but I have almost a fear of letting people that close to me and know such personal things, when someone knows too much about me I tend to adopt some sort of aversion towards them which is a bit weird. I remember my dad found some personal stuff I wrote one time and he took me out to have a long chat, I hated him so much that day. It's like people are trying to pry into your personal life and it's just a generally irritating feeling for me. If I want to talk about something with a person I'll do it in my own time, trying to get it out of me is only going to make me annoyed.

 

[Nicodemus]

So fair warning, this is rather personal, but I need advice.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years now, but we've recently started living together. It's not ideal, due to family issues, but it's surviving.
We've both been diagnosed with depression, but I've noticed that our coping methods, and the nature of the depression itself, is sooooooo different. What I need to cope is the exact opposite of what they do, and vice versa. This has become a problem.
I don't like things to be....unruly...or anxious. I want to take care of things, I want to take care of people, I want to take care of my partner in any way that needs to be done. It's who I am. Here's the thing though, when I try to help them, they don't do much. It's hard to get them to tell me anything personal, or anything that can clue me in on their issues. THIS DRIVES ME NUTS.
I understand that as an unemotional person they want to deal with their issues themself, but they aren't really. Every issue gets left alone until it's so bad that it explodes. They don't confront their issues. When I speak up about my thoughts and feelings, we talk, come up with a solution, but they KEEP DOING THE THING? It's like a cycle.
So please, any INTPs, please help me understand. I feel very disconnected and all my attempts at involvement have been less than effective.
Thank you!!

Maybe you should not go all ESFJ on 'them'. Less force, more laissez-faire. Do what INFPs do best, listen and let them open up at their own pace.

 

[Showbread]

Maybe you should not go all ESFJ on 'them'. Less force, more laissez-faire. Do what INFPs do best, listen and let them open up at their own pace.

I second this, even as an ESFJ. One of my closest friends is a INTP and he has similar struggles. Pestering gets NO WHERE. They just shut down more. For what it's worth, you don't really sound like an INFP either.

 

[big sexy]

Actually, I do have some 'advice.' I know you're trying to help in your own way and want to feel more connected to your partner but keep in mind not everyone finds talking about their problems helpful. And they have depression, which often makes people even more withdrawn than they normally are. Just try to be there for them and show them quiet support. I can't say much for the habit of avoiding problems; that's more difficult to deal with. It's pretty normal behavior for INTPs (and IxxPs in general) and probably worsened by the depression, which saps you of motivation. Sorry for having to deal with such a difficult situation, OP.

 

[headlessredhead]

Maybe you should not go all ESFJ on 'them'. Less force, more laissez-faire. Do what INFPs do best, listen and let them open up at their own pace.

Actually, I do have some 'advice.' I know you're trying to help in your own way and want to feel more connected to your partner but keep in mind not everyone finds talking about their problems helpful. And they have depression, which often makes people even more withdrawn than they normally are. Just try to be there for them and show them quiet support. I can't say much for the habit of avoiding problems; that's more difficult to deal with. It's pretty normal behavior for INTPs (and IxxPs in general) and probably worsened by the depression, which saps you of motivation. Sorry for having to deal with such a difficult situation, OP.

I used to be getting treatment but due to some moving and family issues I haven’t been able to go back. We’re both currently unmedicated. I understand that my “dealing” or “helping” with their issues may not actually be useful. It makes me uncomfortable because it means that when there is a problem, the way I usually would deal with it is wrong, so I’m constantly second guessing myself and getting extremely overwhelmed. I come from a very emotionally and verbally abusive place so I have issues myself dealing with confrontation and communication in general. I don’t understand their issues, or what they really need. When I try to ask they say “I don’t know”. I’m trying to back off a bit and let them go through their own motions. I’ve done a lot better at realizing that their body language or lack thereof, and other social mishaps, are by no means personal or malicious. I just need to get a better idea of what they can’t really express, or how to help them feel like I’m supporting them without overwhelming or smothering them. They’re my main support and the biggest part of my life. I’ve been through a lot of emotional hell in my life so when people are upset I want to help them in ways that nobody helped me. This is somewhat...unhealthy….i’m sure, but it’s what happens.

If he (and you) are depressed how do you know if you are typed correctly? Depression severely affects your ability to experience higher emotional states, and it also eats away at your cognition and ability to concentrate.

I am sorry to change the subject, but it's kind of relevant if you're looking for advice around how to improve a relationship on a typology forum

I second this, even as an ESFJ. One of my closest friends is a INTP and he has similar struggles. Pestering gets NO WHERE. They just shut down more. For what it's worth, you don't really sound like an INFP either.

I’ve always had a tendency to doubt my type, wondering if I could be something else. I am, most definitely, an NF. I live off of emotions and emotional things. I’m constantly looking for something to explain myself, to find what i want, need, to find who I am.
But who knows? Maybe I’m not. I’ve done a lot of adapting in my life. When I lived with my mother she had us moving almost every year, even twice a year at times. I’ve grown to be pretty decent at adapting what I put out in order to feel comfortable or avoid trouble. Now that I’m on my own I have nothing left to run from, nothing to adapt to. I’m learning to live with myself and I don’t have anything or anyone to blame for my actions. I have anxiety, and my depression has very severe highs and lows. Maybe bi-polar? I’m not sure.

 

[headlessredhead]

I do want to make one thing very clear here though, I am NOT trying to fix them.
I just want to stop hurting them, I don't want to be the enemy, I want to be a better partner.
We can't afford therapy right now, but we also can't afford to lose each other, if that makes sense.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I wish I could.

By any standard I probably should have felt depressed at some points in my life, but whenever I feel annoying or starting to go down a negative loop of thought, I pretty much immidiately realize its futility and step myself out of it again.

There was one time (sad story incoming), when I was a teenager and I was messing about near the highway, got back home, rang the bell and ran around the house and our dog ran out and follow the scent the other way and got hit and killed by a car that really did a number on me. From what I remember mostly about that was that I could no longer make any sense of my inner thoughts and my emotions overshadow and ignored them as I had the strangest thoughts pop up in my head. Feeling depressed and guilty. But at the same time I was also sort of aware that my thoughts were irrational. It was kind of weird that way. On one hand I felt I genuinly should feel terribly guilty about it, on the other hand I also knew I didn't want anything like that to happen and it was a terrible accident that I shouldn't feel guilty about. Eventually my mind won the battle but that depression sure had some weird personal moments for me. One moment in particular I genuinly felt like I should just die like I was believing it with every fibre of my body, only to immidiatly realize that that was really fucking dumb to think.

Basicly depression is just kind of weird and alien to me. I totally understand it being a thing for many people and also realize that there are events that can cause it. But dealing with it. Well, from my little experience with depression it seems like an INTP depressed person wants to feel depressed. They wouldnt feel depressed if at some level or another they feel like they should.

So it's probably not something you can help them with. And it will never be something they'll eagerly talk about and rather keep to themselves. Because there is a good chance they are fully aware their feelings are irrational. And as an INTP, that is not easy to be open about. In fact, I would think it's impossible to be open about except if they deal with it themselves and then look back on it as part of their past.