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  1. #1
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    Default ISFJ Dating ENTP...Advice?

    I have been dating an ENTP for 7 months now, and for the most part, it has been really good. We have the best time together, get one anothers' jokes, there's a "spark"/definite physical attraction between us, and he makes me very happy. There's just something between us that "clicks", something I haven't felt or seen with anyone else.

    But I've recently started to notice little things that make our complete opposite personalities more apparent. He is honest, something refreshing from my last relationship, but sometimes TOO honest. He's also a very blunt person, and is fine being "on his own" most times. We see each other once or twice a week. He is also the worst texter (and by this I mean he takes forever, sometimes a full day), which I know shouldn't be the only means of communication, but a simple "have a good day" would be nice to hear once in a while. I know that I'm not perfect, but I just feel "unwanted" sometimes. And I'm not sure if it's just a personality thing, and something that can never change (because I would never want to change a person just to be with me), or if it could be external factors too?

    He is trying to figure out what he wants to do, having a hard time finding a job, and has dealt with some unfortunate family circumstances in the past couple of months. I have a full-time job, make a steady income, and he tells me that he is not sure he "can be the person I want him to be right now". He also questions "what I see in him" because he doesn't seem "worthy" of my time... it hurts me to hear that, and I tell him otherwise to reassure him. But I think those things are always in the back of his mind; he feels stressed and unstable.

    I, myself, do know what sort of future I will want - marriage, kids, a suburban home, stability - but I am not ready for those things right now. I would hope that if we were to be together in the future, he would have the same goals. I guess my question is for all the other ENTPs - are these common traits with your personality, or are some of these more subjective/from his external factors? I care about this boy a ton, but I feel my usual "happy self" escaping sometimes because I can over-analyze and stress...

  2. #2

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    Run...run! No, I'm teasing. Overall, you seem positive and willing to figure things out. While he's stressed, the best support is to remain calm and be his teammate. He'll probably appreciate positive affirmation and a lot of space until he gets settled in a job. I would avoid talking about kids, marriage, a suburban home, commitment or any complaints about him or the relationship until he's happily employed; otherwise, while he's 'in the grip' you risk him throwing up his hands and walking away from the relationship completely. I'm female and as far as texting, emailing, messaging and facebooking goes, I'm usually slow to respond and don't always. If he's doing that and it bothers you, you might kindly mention it when he's not under stress.

    P.S., If you want him to text you something special because it makes you feel loved, just tell him; he'll probably be glad to do it.
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  3. #3
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    Hi - thank you for the reply!! This was extremely helpful...especially to get an external point-of-view. Sometimes I wonder if I should "call it quits". Yes, it would be easier, but there is a reason why I want to be with him and am willing to try. I do know that our personalities clash at times. He's said things that may come across as rude or hurtful, but I do know that he is the type of person who speaks before he thinks. I tend to analyze things in my head first before speaking, I am not as vocal about my feelings, and I can be indecisive. We were able to acknowledge those differences in the beginning and work together, but the fact that he is super stressed about his future has not helped. Sorry it seems like I'm just reiterating points! What you had mentioned about him needing positive affirmation definitely struck a chord with me - I have been so focused on how I feel, that I haven't stepped out of that and realize that he probably just needs someone to "be there" for him instead of adding more stress. I do know that he's not perfect, and neither is our relationship, but I do need to stop focusing so much on how things "should be" and focus a bit more on the situation at hand. I will definitely not be adding even more pressure with the talk about kids, marriage, etc. - I am 24 and he is 25, so not quite there yet likewise Thank you SO much for you help!
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  4. #4
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    I have a ENTP friend who is married to(and has a child with) ISFJ and i think they make a great couple and parent their kid pretty much how i think kid should be. First thing that came to my mind is that the ENTP might not be sure if he can provide you with the suburban home, stable incomes and he might think that they are required for your happiness in a marriage, and that because he cant be sure, he doesent feel like he is worthy. And yes, ENTPs, even tho they are quite blunt at times and may seem insensitive, they have their soft spots also and might not share all their insecurities easily, especially if it comes to stuff i mentioned in last sentence. I would suggest you talk to him and try to support(not control) him on his mission to become worthy. Also, i dont think if all ENTPs are like that, but at least my friend is like that if you tell him that he is "good enough", it wouldnt do any good other than hurt him if he sees that you really want and need more.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    I have a ENTP friend who is married to(and has a child with) ISFJ and i think they make a great couple and parent their kid pretty much how i think kid should be. First thing that came to my mind is that the ENTP might not be sure if he can provide you with the suburban home, stable incomes and he might think that they are required for your happiness in a marriage, and that because he cant be sure, he doesent feel like he is worthy. And yes, ENTPs, even tho they are quite blunt at times and may seem insensitive, they have their soft spots also and might not share all their insecurities easily, especially if it comes to stuff i mentioned in last sentence. I would suggest you talk to him and try to support(not control) him on his mission to become worthy. Also, i dont think if all ENTPs are like that, but at least my friend is like that if you tell him that he is "good enough", it wouldnt do any good other than hurt him if he sees that you really want and need more.
    Hi, hmm super interesting. I definitely think that complete opposites can work - it may not be easy, but then again, no relationship is perfect 100% of the time. I think you are right about him feeling stressed about maybe not being able to provide me with those things, right now at least. And I do tell him that I do not want those things now, more-so what I do know I want in life. But it still is in the back of his mind, so it probably causes him more stress. I think I have been too consumed with my feelings about the relationship, that I haven't focused on the root of the problem (his stress and feelings of instability, which causes him to be more aloof, which in turn makes me think he doesn't care about me). Also, it's great to hear that an ENTP and ISFJ can make a great couple. So happy for your friend! Thank you for the advice!
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