Two things:
1) The more you learn about typology, the more you learn that its best use is as a language with which we can describe ourselves, others, and our similarities and differences. So really all you need to do in order to have these conversations with the STJs in your life is find synonyms. It will help to have those conversations calmly and rationally, without seeming like you're blaming them for anything -- your relationships with others are always a two-way street.
2) I don't know if other STJs are like this, but I'm personally bothered by the phrase "it's just the way I am". 90% of the time, it seems like an excuse to resist change, which is especially frustrating when you KNOW that they're wrong. So when you say "it's because I'm an INFP that I act this way", or however you translate that to the vernacular (see my first point), the STJs in your life might react with "no, actually, that has nothing to do with type, and everything to do with being a responsible adult"*. And both of you would be right, to an extent. On their side, it IS important for you to live safely, healthily, and responsibly, and being an INFP is a terrible excuse for living like a man-child (or whatever the female equivalent is). On your side, the "get it done" function (Te) will always be your last, so even if you get really good at accomplishing Te tasks efficiently (like [MENTION=5999]PeaceBaby[/MENTION] ), it'll still be unpleasant and "wrong" in some ways.
*If I could summarize the things that your STJ relatives want you to do, it would be this: "Live safely, healthily, and responsibly." Each of those list items is a manifestation of that priority. Edit: If and when your STJ relatives come around, it'll be when they realize that that principle is more important than each of its parts -- so as long as you live safely, healthily, and responsibly overall, it doesn't matter if you leave out individual items that they would consider safe/healthy/responsible.
[MENTION=5999]PeaceBaby[/MENTION] & others kind of beat me to a point I was typing up....but I'm posting it anyway.
This post here is not embodying what I am going to bring up, but it does show how we tend to think of our own way/view as "right" and something else as being "obviously wrong", when, well, it may not be objective at all. You touch on this also, but the wording exemplifies an ESTJ view better than Peacebaby's does.
And now, my novella:
From my viewpoint, ESTJs' inferior Fi can lead them to assert their personal preferences as a moral/ethical standard. In order to accept & fulfill their own personal feelings, their psychology “converts†it into an objectively correct model, and they will go to impressive lengths to back this up with “facts†and “logicâ€. So much of it is preference for what they are familiar and experienced with (Si). It really has no moral value. An illustration of this is how countries in the past would colonize other lands and degrade the colonized land as “less civilized†because the colonialists had set up their experience of life and their preferences as “normal†and even as more moral.
This is something many SJs demonstrate in their attitudes, but it’s scariest in ESTJs because they make good arguments for it. They convince and lead others with this thinking. They convince themselves this is “for their own good†too, effectively dismissing those who do not comply as being rebellious in a self-destructive way.
I suppose I feel I see through this and recognize they are veiling personal preferences with objective rules that force others to conform.
I feel this “rebelliousness†or “bad attitude†projected onto me and that is what I find hurtful and what makes me angry.
I can deal with moods in people - irritability, snappiness, bluntness - that’s fine. What bothers me is the polite, composed demeanor of someone who is ramming others into a mold that is totally arbitrary, but it’s under the guise of “this is THE best way and anyone who doesn’t fit it is a degenerateâ€.
So from my perspective, I am going about my business, not harming anyone, but the ESTJ takes issue with my pants (or something equally petty). I had one almost blow a gasket because they felt my pants had too many pockets - 5 pockets instead of 4, which made her classify them as “casualâ€, despite the material, cut, and overall look of the pants.
That example also illustrates the next issue I tend to experience with ESTJs: black and white thinking. Anyone can fall into this, but it’s really a trap for ESTJs because of their ego’s need to turn their personal feelings into objective standards. They have to try and practically define these standards for others to follow, and in doing so, they may set up very nitpicky criteria. They put excessive thought into creating lines & boundaries for what is what, that way there is no room for others to sneak in their own preferences. The more others are just like them, the more at ease they seem to be, but they don’t recognize this as being about their own egos or emotions. They hide beyond an argument that this is somehow totally necessary because it makes things better somehow - more functional, more moral, etc. Sure - it’s better for them! It’s funny how IxFPs can get pegged as selfish, when this is the sort of thing I am loath to do.
Not all ESTJs are like this or they are not characterized by it even if it pops up at times in them, but enough of them are like that - and in positions of leadership to influence and, er, bully others - that it makes one wary of both them and their institutions (which in all honesty may have noble aims and great value to humanity). It’s all fine and well to “give up oneself†for a good cause, for something greater than yourself, but I don’t see ESTJs giving up themselves. I see them asserting their preferences as the standard for all, and everyone else is expected to give up themselves to meet this, which is justified, again, by claiming this is the objectively correct way.
When I say that ESTJs need to get in touch with their feelings, I don’t mean becoming a sympathetic nicey-nice person who talks about emotions and doesn't use any critical thinking to apply judgement - I mean they need to identify that many of their values are rooted in personal preferences. They need to understand why they feel a certain way, how they came to feel that way, and that often it has little or no moral/ethical value and there is no justification for pushing it on others. Feelings here are attachments of meaning they assign to things, not merely emotions. But suddenly, things become "dangerous", "unhealthy" and "irresponsible" because they don't fit the ESTJ's preferences.*
Healthy Fi recognizes the deep, deep principle behind a personal feeling, and that only when stripped down to its bare bones can there be any universal moral/ethical/meaningful value. Healthy Fi recognizes the myriad of ways people meet these and that differences in meeting them do not have to threaten one another. An ESTJ with healthy Fi will recognize that they must learn to tolerate preferences of others that differ from their own, to see the base value in them & that at core, they are often getting as essentially the same need, just in a different way. They have to identify when they feel threatened by these differences and are trying to create justifications and rules to get people to conform to their preferences.
When they don’t do that, they create a hell for IxFPs, not because we’re necessarily rebellious (how can that be so when we’re so awfully passive and conflict-avoident, according to others?), but because we’re operating from the idea that we ARE meeting the “universal†standards, but that there is no one way to do it, and so it’s hard to fathom why they are becoming critical and judgmental towards us. When they try to oppress an IxFP to get them to conform, the IxFP doesn’t experience it as them trying to help the IxFP to function better in life, it’s experienced as someone shoving their personal preferences down our throats, under a guise of it being objective. This guise and how many others buy into it is equally maddening. You definitely feel like it’s an “emperor who has no clothes on†situation. This is likely why the ESTJ is so threatened by IxFPs - they recognize that in simply being ourselves, we are setting an example that you can be moral/ethical/functional and not totally conform, and that threatens the structure of system, which is fueled by their ego. It forces them to look at their rules as possibly just being their personal preferences, and I suppose that is way too uncomfortable. Instead, they project rebelliousness onto the IxFP and deem them a bad influence or disruptive presence, simply because the IxFP has 5 pockets on their pants (for reeeeeal!).
Now I realize that in saying this, I am essentially wishing the ESTJ was more like, well, me, or the positive side of an IxFP. There is a paradox in this. A truth in this is that their inferior Fi means that if they were well-developed people, then they very likely would be balanced by this trait, so that their Te strengths would shine even more. Instead of hung up on policing people over petty stuff and repressing angry emotion to maintain a composed exterior until they finally blow a gasket over something especially petty, then they may actually get important stuff done and diffuse negative emotion by understanding its real source, so that they composed exterior is from a real calmness within. I do think deeper Si development helps here (beyond the initial - "my experiences are what is normal and reliable"), as long as the person is exposed to a variety of things, because they will internalize that what is normal, reliable, etc, in the human experiences is a myriad of things, not a narrow scope. This eases up the "threat" of Fi.
Another truth in this is that people would benefit from being more like an ESTJ too - in certain strengths of Te, but not down to every detail. People would be more well-rounded if they possessed many of the strengths in other types. The ESTJ/INFP conflict is that each reflects the blindspot of the other, and instead of seeing the merit in the other, they tend to turn that merit into a threat to their own preferences.
However, I admit, that from my viewpoint, I feel more inclined to note the strengths of ESTJs than vice versa, as far as seeing strengths in them I don’t posses or feel a need to develop in myself. Whereas I feel ESTJs largely will only see positives in an INFP when it happens to align with their strengths and/or preferences. This feels "uneven" and tends to make me avoid these people in person, because in an interaction, I feel sure I will have to be the one to yield & to change, and that I will be the one made to feel "wrong". If I challenge them (which I have no problem with, surprise, surprise), then I will further dig a hole for myself as far as them painting me a rebel and disruptive force. I think [MENTION=5871]Southern Kross[/MENTION] noted that the e8 ESTJ(s) she knows respect her when she challenges them (or something like that), but I think I have dealt heavily with e1s and with some e6s & e3s. e3s are probably the easiest for me to deal with.
*As a side, preoccupation with such things as health, safety, and so-called responsibility can strike me as materialistic, and I don't mean being money/status focused (although it would include that). It's all physical, physical, physical. People focused on these things reduce life to eating a certain way, doing or not doing certain activities, doing certain tasks a certain way for their job, etc. They reduce spirituality to community rituals & adhering to its social values (which generally give moral value to their preferences). They reduce art to entertainment and commercialism. This must be done so as to justify their over-focus on the physical, physical, physical. People who focus on things outside that are now unsafe, unhealthy, and irresponsible. This is not a mini-rant on ESTJs specifically - but how the focus of a more typical IxFP is often marginalized socially, and thus, our strengths and contributions are devalued and we're accused of possessing a slew of negative attitudes.
It is very hard to get out of this cycle when each keeps pushing the others’ button. I'm thinking there must be some Ne truce needed...
Intermodal is setting new traffic volume records. 
