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  1. #11
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    1. Indirect, passive anything that people use to avoid demands or requests, avoid confrontation or purposely sabotage something for someone else.

    2. First let me say that there are few things that anger me more than passive-aggressive behavior. It is passive. It is silent. It is not clever. If that is your only weapon, a much more direct person will one day call your spineless ass out in an absolutely raw and naked way, where there will be no where to hide.
    /rant

    Examples - accepting and invite you don't really want then taking an eternity getting ready so the event is conveniently missed. The silent treatment that can go on for days. Coworkers who agree with what you say and simply do nothing. Catty bitchy women and men. What's wrong? Nothing.

    It gives me a headache to think of more examples.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  2. #12
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    Hi, I left this forum and came back specifically to see what was written about passive-aggressive behavior and found this thread.

    I have been passive-aggressive in the past. Here is a little intro before I get into that.

    I grew up in a family environment where my mother held more sway over everyone than my father, and she did not acknowledge feelings and did not encourage us to voice any emotion that could be slightly negative such as anger or sadness. We could only do it in minute doses and only if she understood it, and even then, we had to snap out of it fast. Furthermore she actually made us angry a lot by being harsh and hurtful and we would bury that anger inside and live with it. This is very long ago and I never think about it anymore, because our family dynamic has evolved, for the better since I reached mid-adulthood.

    Fast-forward. Dealing with anger and arguments is not my forte. I don't recall having learned tools to deal with situations like that growing up and am still working on it as an adult. So today I was reflecting on something and the word passive-aggressive came up in some reading. I realized I didn't really understand what it means. Looked up descriptions. And realized that it is me. I had a flashback to how badly I used to feel in my interactions with my ISTJ mother and feel like I had a revelation of sorts. Being passive aggressive in my case is very tied to low skills during arguments and a learned assumption that arguments are win-lose and I lose.

    It seems that part of fixing this pattern will be to work on unlearning this idea that all arguments are win-lose. During arguments, I usually do lose and this doesn't help much either. My INTP husband or ISTJ mother or INTJ father or INFJ sister in law (the INFJ and INTJ however will not be focused on "shredding") for example can almost all win the argument every time. They all will take what I say apart and have smarter points to make. I've tried to deal with this by staying cool and withdrawing before I say "dumb" points that they can shred. This actually has helped. But when things escalate slightly too fast, I tend to not hold my own.

    The thing I usually then do, which is passive-aggressive, is not want to talk and if someone says I'm fine I say yes with a sulk. The latter is something I have done since I was a child. Not talking is something I used to do because my mother never wanted to hear my feelings so I'd go to my room and just be quiet and lost in my head. Actually, it doesn't matter to me whether it's because my mother was that way, or because that is how I simply was. It's how I coped then and it's really deep in me now to do this, so what matters to me is how much I have repeated this throughout my life and how to change that. I was not even aware at a fully conscious level that this is a bad thing to do until well into adulthood, and only today, do I realize just HOW MUCH this is part of my personality.
    I would like to be less vulnerable and more orderly in how I handle interpersonal dynamics. I'd like to learn to persevere during arguments with getting to the resolution without winning or losing, especially not losing, and if it takes letting the other person "win" to keep peace, I'd like to think of that as winning and not losing.

    Games games games. The older I get the more I cannot believe how complicated it is to be emotionally intelligent.

  3. #13
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    1.) please share your definition of passive-aggressiveness.
    Somebody who rants too much about towards groups of people in an acid way. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually directed towards groups of people as oppose to the person itself which makes it harder to confront the person. An example would be somebody who rants towards "insert groups of people here" and why they dislike them. A person wouldn't rant towards the individual but rather than the group of people the individual belonged to. Passive-aggressive behavior doesn't necessarily have to be directed towards an opposing individual. It can be directed towards institution or wrongs in society.

    If somebody is passive-aggressive, I would warn their behavior is nor appropriated. I'll just give warnings. If nothing has changed, just reported the negative behavior to somebody in power. If passive-aggressive behavior happened for weeks on end, they can't get away with the behavior. They'll be removed from the institution.
    5w4,4w5,1

    The Researcher

  4. #14
    Sweet Summer Dik Dik yama's Avatar
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    "Timmy, why didn't you take out the trash?"

    "I was busy."

    "It only takes a couple minutes, and it sure would have been a big help... But I guess I'll do it... siiiigh... just like I pretty much do everything around this house... Like some kind of servant..."
    MBTI: ESFJ
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    Johari | Nohari

    not a type description

  5. #15
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    I can easily, I can twist and manipulate things easily because, I don't know why. I use it as playful and joking though. Cracks my niece up because I can say it so serious and like I mean it, but she knows I don't care one bit. I can see alot of different angles good and bad angles that I can play with "asshole" and "bitch"

    She will make a comment and very seriously I will look at her and say "what the hell, I spend all day (5 minutes) over this hot stove cooking dinner (heated up corn) and all I get from you is lip. I can't believe this, no one appreciates me" I can pull stuff like that outta my ass at the drop of a hat. I don't say what's in parenthesis, it's just to explain what I actually did. Then I will mutter under my breathe..."what the hell, no one likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll just go eat worms" from the song but in a serious confused tone. My son asked where I come up with the stuff and I told him "it's why the voices in my head tell me"...lol
    Im out, its been fun

  6. #16
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I ll use passive aggressiveness as a tool in a few cases:

    1) when i either have expressed my dislike or 'no' before or know from experience there is no point as it gets dismissed and demands are placed upon me along with expectations i did not agree to

    With this, i have no qualms sabotaging, staging a sit-in and inspiring others to join me who are in the same boat to get my point across - and ill wrap it with a big pink bow, innocent eyes and a genuinely surprised 'whaat?' when they blow up at me.

    Do NOT EVER take me for granted and tell me what to do.

    Im perfectly capable of ruining everything you demanded from me and more to drive my point home if you cannot be arsed to treat me like a person and *ask* instead of demand and bully.

    2) when i was younger, i often felt powerless (which you often are as a child) to affect my situation ( since youre easily dismissed and overruled as a child) and i tried being a good girl and not cause fuss. The resentment however leaked out in passive aggressive behaviour that i wasnt always aware of. When i became more aware and empowered, it informed me on how to do a) instead of battlibg with controlling people on their home turf.

    Most of this has dissipated by now, safe from a few kneejerk reactions im still working on.


    That said, i have trouble with people who are passive aggressive even after youv sincerely asked them if evereything is ok and have shown a willingness to listen, myself. I find they often have trouble wording what is bothering them or want to live up to a high non conflict standard, or are afraid of confrontation, making it hard to actually address the prob. I usually tell them to think on it and let me know if they figure it out or if they need help figuring it out, then work around them instead
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  7. #17
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Passuv eggre3sive iz da stratehgee ov da cow-hard.

    Dats y I luv it.

    ps: Ah pusted in da wrung thr3ed 2. I gotz distrak-ted by Omarguth.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  8. #18
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  9. #19
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    A little quick on the draw there, pardner.

    Actually, I have noted a pattern and it's been quite consistent since I've parsed this. Fi - Te types and Fe - Ti types appear to have somewhat differing ideas on how passive-aggressiveness manifests and expresses externally.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  10. #20
    breaking out of my cocoon SearchingforPeace's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I ll use passive aggressiveness as a tool in a few cases:

    1) when i either have expressed my dislike or 'no' before or know from experience there is no point as it gets dismissed and demands are placed upon me along with expectations i did not agree to

    With this, i have no qualms sabotaging, staging a sit-in and inspiring others to join me who are in the same boat to get my point across - and ill wrap it with a big pink bow, innocent eyes and a genuinely surprised 'whaat?' when they blow up at me.

    Do NOT EVER take me for granted and tell me what to do.

    Im perfectly capable of ruining everything you demanded from me and more to drive my point home if you cannot be arsed to treat me like a person and *ask* instead of demand and bully.
    So, just to get this straight: if you think someone is demanding of you without agreement, instead of just ignoring unreasonable expectations, you get revenge and actively destroy their intent?

    That is pretty wicked, lol....


    2) when i was younger, i often felt powerless (which you often are as a child) to affect my situation ( since youre easily dismissed and overruled as a child) and i tried being a good girl and not cause fuss. The resentment however leaked out in passive aggressive behaviour that i wasnt always aware of. When i became more aware and empowered, it informed me on how to do a) instead of battlibg with controlling people on their home turf.

    Most of this has dissipated by now, safe from a few kneejerk reactions im still working on.


    That said, i have trouble with people who are passive aggressive even after youv sincerely asked them if evereything is ok and have shown a willingness to listen, myself. I find they often have trouble wording what is bothering them or want to live up to a high non conflict standard, or are afraid of confrontation, making it hard to actually address the prob. I usually tell them to think on it and let me know if they figure it out or if they need help figuring it out, then work around them instead
    So, you can be super passive aggressive to the extent of actually sabotaging other's intent, but others not talking things out and refusing to be open annoys you?

    I am not trying to judge you, but trying to understand what appears to me as hypocrisy. If my summary of what you stated is incorrect, I would love a clarification.....
    Quote Originally Posted by Archilochus
    The fox knows many things--the hedgehog one big one.
    And I am not a hedgehog......

    -------------------

    Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers" not "blessed are the conflict avoiders.....

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    ----------------------

    “Orthodoxy means not thinking--not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
    ― George Orwell, 1984

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