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  1. #11
    hypersane Hive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    1.) please share your definition of passive-aggressiveness.
    Venting anger in ways you don't need to answer for.


    2.) please share an example or two of what you see as passive-aggressive behaviour. Anecdotes are welcome.
    For example, punishing me by don't answering my calls and then claim the battery was dead, or "forgetting" to pick me up and make me wait in the place for an hour.

    Few things pisses me off as much. It's so cowardly I don't even know where to begin. Passive-aggression needs to be fought with direct aggression. I refuse to put up with that shit.
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  2. #12
    cool cat Freesia's Avatar
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    I see passive-aggressiveness as expressing anger or discontent in ways that are not "tangible", or can't be explicitly called on or proven as being aggressive. I see it as being slippery or slimy; it coats a problem in such a way that you can't get a firm enough grasp on it to handle it effectively.

    A very generalized example of what I would consider as passive aggressive is when someone does something you don't like, and instead of discussing what they did, you act in a friendly or neutral manner to their face, yet rant about what they did behind their back, or find small ways to thwart the person in ways that either cannot be traced back to you or cannot be proven as purposely being aggressive.

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  3. #13
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hive View Post
    Venting anger in ways you don't need to answer for.



    For example, punishing me by don't answering my calls and then claim the battery was dead, or "forgetting" to pick me up and make me wait in the place for an hour.

    Few things pisses me off as much. It's so cowardly I don't even know where to begin. Passive-aggression needs to be fought with direct aggression. I refuse to put up with that shit.
    This.

    I have too many examples...I don't even want to think about them long enough to list any.

    But I'm the same...there's few things that enrage me as much as this. Sneaky, cowardly...you got a problem, just say so! We can discuss it--it's okay to be mad...we'll both eventually get over it. It's so frustrating to deal with someone that keeps dodging conflict and yet keeps making these little sneak attacks.

  4. #14
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I'd say there are a few forms, some being more 'blatant', such as the example gromit gave, where the person is directly taking some *action* to convey their displeasure or try to indirectly communicate that message of disapproval (almost to the point of being direct, just minus communicating with words), the other type is more subtle, not action-based but word-based, maybe withholding information, snubbing someone, reacting and speaking from a more emo place (fueled by ones' own displeasure or built-up resentment), essentially punishing the other person indirectly.

    I think due to indirect nature of it, it results in the person being passive-aggressive being able to effectively deny any of it if they're called out on it.
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  5. #15
    Freaking Ratchet Rail Tracer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by infinite View Post
    What's passive-aggressive about saying "That idea is stupid" and how is it trying to mimic aggressive behaviour in your opinion?!

    Do you really think that if someone says some idea that's not really good for whatever reason then you must be angry with the person and attack the person for it? Seriously?

    Because, you calling this above passive-aggressive sounds like you assume everyone works this way: X says something crappy, Y gets angry with the person themselves instead of just wanting to shoot down the idea itself - yet only dares to attempt to attack the idea instead of the person.

    No, I will break the news to you now, not everyone works in this way. Some people actually just focus on the idea and not the person who said it. I'm like this myself.

    I will give this one thing to you, it's usually really offensive to call the bad idea stupid and yes in that sense it's an aggressive way of putting one's opinion.

    PS: Some people are actually stupid too yeah, but I don't see a need to get angry over that, it's just how they are, as long as they don't get in my way I'm all cool.
    This post is stupid? (see what I did there?) It is the role of the speaker to have the least amount of people assume what you are talking about.

    It is, in a general sense, passive-aggressiveness, doesn't matter if the other person is angry or not. It is ok to say that an idea is wrong.... and here is why... but having to say "that idea is stupid" is as bad as saying the person is stupid, really, it is just an easy workaround, even if the intent was to say that an idea doesn't hold.

  6. #16
    Senior Member lue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rail Tracer View Post
    This post is stupid? (see what I did there?) It is the role of the speaker to have the least amount of people assume what you are talking about.

    It is, in a general sense, passive-aggressiveness, doesn't matter if the other person is angry or not. It is ok to say that an idea is wrong.... and here is why... but having to say "that idea is stupid" is as bad as saying the person is stupid, really, it is just an easy workaround, even if the intent was to say that an idea doesn't hold.
    I disagree, I think that's just being an a**. It's a straightforward opinion, and just because it isn't constructive, doesn't mean it's passive aggressive.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rail Tracer View Post
    This post is stupid? (see what I did there?)
    My reaction to this sort of stuff is requiring an explanation for the opinion. And that is because when the idea is being targeted instead of the person, I will be focusing on the idea, not the person. There is a difference.

    This category wasn't even mentioned by you btw.. someone saying an idea is BS - in a rude way - and then proceeding to explain why.


    It is the role of the speaker to have the least amount of people assume what you are talking about.
    Nah, if I was to spend time on making sure about that, I'd never even manage to start speaking. It'd take too much time lol. Of course I'm not saying that it's recommended to ignore even the most basic rules of politeness.


    It is, in a general sense, passive-aggressiveness, doesn't matter if the other person is angry or not.
    Now why doesn't it matter if they're angry or not? If you don't have a problem, you won't be upset, thus by definition you can't be either aggressive or passive-aggressive about it.


    It is ok to say that an idea is wrong.... and here is why... but having to say "that idea is stupid" is as bad as saying the person is stupid, really, it is just an easy workaround, even if the intent was to say that an idea doesn't hold.
    If the intent was to say that the idea doesn't hold, then it's not a workaround about anything. Your judgment of an action does not change the original intent. And, if the intent was to not sound bad, then this isn't even a good workaround. So what you are saying here doesn't make sense at all to me.

    All in all, @lue put it very well.


    Quote Originally Posted by lue View Post
    I disagree, I think that's just being an a**. It's a straightforward opinion, and just because it isn't constructive, doesn't mean it's passive aggressive.
    Yeah.. direct aggressive behaviour isn't always that constructive, good point :P I mean that as contrasted with assertiveness (not outright aggression).
    Last edited by infinite; 06-03-2014 at 08:46 PM.

  8. #18
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    I think due to indirect nature of it, it results in the person being passive-aggressive being able to effectively deny any of it if they're called out on it.
    This is it exactly, from my perspective. "Plausible deniability" is a defining factor of passive-aggression, IMO. And often the act of denying the aggression is a second act of aggression. Gosh, what kind of person are you that you saw THAT as aggressive?? Tsk tsk.
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  9. #19
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    I'm going with the wiki/dictionary definition here -- and @gromit's example is good.

    Glad this thread was created, because I was recently called out, by an INTP in full on shadow ESFJ mode, for "passive-aggressive behavior" -- and when I told him that I wasn't angry or hostile and that it was a misunderstanding, he said it was still passive-aggressive. However, the definition technically requires that passive-aggression be a method of expressing hostility or anger/resentment. So maybe one Fe vs. Fi definition difference would be that Fe users wouldn't care what was behind the action?
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  10. #20

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    Like everyone else has said it is being aggressive in a way that you can't be called out on. An example might be if I was pissed at Peace Baby and this thread was a conversation between us and I answered with "Dunno" even though I do know.

    Sometimes people confuse calm aggression with passive aggression.

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