Well, It's been a day since I've joined and I'm all over these forums. SUPER impulsively.
Anyways, I'm a very unhealthy ENFP. I was once very successful in my young life, and I've seem to lose sight of whom that person was. I feel like I've been 3 different people in the process of 17 years.
Examples: ages 4-15 I was very bubbly, super ignorant and very positive, class clown, class president, spoke up to anything I thought was morally wrong. I was more happy, then being obnoxious and less liked than I am now. Kind of like the little mermaid ENFP. I had nothing to lose, I suppose. Major problems during this time was my insecurities with myself my whole life. I was always over weight, and my family was too. So, my extreme ENFP 'shock factor' side came from my insecurities from my physical appearance. Something ENFPs don't want to extremely value but do anyways. My dad is also a very unhealthy ENFP he has been his whole life, often having temper tantrums that resemble cartoon ones. He looks so funny when he freaks out, but it's actually very serious and the weirdest most hateful feeling I've ever experienced. I don't want to get into too much details, but he is insane, and I never wanted to be like him, and I turned out to be.
I was bulimic, lost a lot of weight gained it back x2 lost 30 pounds again. These two years were the most depressing years of my life. I felt crazy, and I knew I was crazy even if I did recognize it...because I had really odd fantasized plans to stop it, that would never work. I was hospitalized for depression 4 times in these years. I became very cynical, way too cynical. I attempted to be sadistic but it did not work at all. I just hurt myself more because I really can not hurt others, I've tried. The only things that saved me were drugs, mostly psychedelics. I buried myself into a another unhealthy ENFP boy who I fell in love with. I was very over self confident during this time or extremely introverted. My love life drained me, I stopped going to school for 3 months. I didn't leave my bed for a month.
I really don't know what hit me in may of 2013 but I wanted to live... LOL. So, I got out of bed, made up credits, enrolled in a therapeutic high school, devoted my whole summer to losing weight a healthy way ( the 30 pounds) and avoided all contact with my unhealthy ENFP crush/lover thing. When September came I started up in the therapeutic High School again, and decided to get into holistic healing and yoga, I checked out a DBT therapy group and did that for 8 weeks in the fall. I was prescribed a ADHD medicine that helped me 20x better than any antidepressants did. I work out 3 times a week or more and lost 10 more pounds since summer. In December of 2013 I turned 17.
17: I now perform improv, and i am the youngest in the troop everyone else is 24+ and just started Dual enrollment for a local community college in my area. I'm taking a math class and English.
What I'M FINALLY TRYING TO GET AT IS.... I'm so mad at the world all the time that it physically hurts. I have emotional break downs everyday and feel so stupid. (yes I am highly aware of my progress) I just feel like i'm not going to be able to commit to all of this, and I'm going to crash and burn again very roughly. I can never focus on what I want to do anymore, and I feel as if I'll never really be able to relax and function properly again. I feel like a huge time bomb. I'm a super bitch to everyone I meet lately, just because no one interests me with their petty small talk. It bothers me more than you think.
"hey, can you believe its snowing?"
My thoughts: NO SHIT, YOU'RE SO STUPID. ITS WINTER... OF COURSE IT IS SNOWING DUMB SHIT. LEAVE ME ALONE.
"yeah I can, it is winter! haha!"
I'm honestly so bothered by petty problems that it is A HUGE PROBLEM. I'm trying to be so positive lately, its sickening. This is actually the first time since May, I've admitted I'm struggling. Right now I'm letting my happy mask down, and being way too negative. I just feel SO UNGRATEFUL AND SO SELFISH, AND ITS A CONSTANT REPEATING CYCLE. FEEL BAD, THINK IM A BAD PERSON, DO BAD THINGS, FEEL BAD AGAIN. ETC.
I just want to be a bad ass, and the little mermaid at the same time... damn.
I have a therapist, my parents know about my actions, I know how to keep moving on. I just want some advice about how to stop the unhealthy ENFP cycle.
(I don't do drugs anymore, I smoke but rarely at this point because I have to pay for school and I have no cash, awesome. same with drinking)
(I've had a brain scan, my brain is miraculously fine as well, I don't suffer from any mental illnesses besides clinical depression and clinical anxiety, I've been tested numerous times for Bipolar, and Schizophrenia)
This is super dramatic, and I'm so sorry if this overwhelms you. I just need to see some ENFP advice, from any types to be completely honest. if you feel uncomfortable posting this to a thread you can privately message me.