• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Is Fe stressful?

S

Stansmith

Guest
It seems exhausting to have to constantly mirror others and say/do things you don't necessarily want to say/do for someone else's sake. Do you experience it that way, or is it something you actually do without much effort or thought? It seems like it can be kind of hard on IFJs. Although on the flip side, I guess could say having constant, inexplicable, fluctuating internal moods is stressful too.
 

Haven

Blind Guardian
Joined
Apr 26, 2011
Messages
1,075
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
It is most definitely, it needs to be reined in or else you burn out really fast. Withdrawing from the world isn't the answer either because it doesn't address the problem of what I'm going to call "Fe whiplash" that comes from giving too much thought (feel?) to too many things.
 

Redbone

Orisha
Joined
Apr 27, 2010
Messages
2,882
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
It is most definitely, it needs to be reined in or else you burn out really fast. Withdrawing from the world isn't the answer either because it doesn't address the problem of what I'm going to call "Fe whiplash" that comes from giving too much thought (feel?) to too many things.

How do you cope when that happens? Or try to prevent it?
 

greenfairy

philosopher wood nymph
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
4,024
MBTI Type
iNfj
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
In the past it has been, because I have an extreme need for external validation; so I have had to learn to not constantly measure myself against other people and external standards, second guess myself, and invalidate my feelings. I'm incorporating some Fi lessons of self acceptance and living in the moment. When Fe is working well (and acknowledged in the personality rather than suppressed) I don't experience it as exhausting at all- quite the opposite. I don't have too much emotional energy generated from within; I need external stimulation of something to connect to or be in some sort of relationship with. I connect with the world as a whole, people, ideas, events, sensual stimuli, other consciousnesses, and then I get energy. I don't really try to do Fe things, other than learn what behaviors are appropriate. This stimulates my mind though, so it's not draining. I only feel drained if I criticize myself. I automatically connect with external things and other consciousnesses to where I have to be mindful of what is mine and what is other people's. I've never had a problem with being selfless though, fortunately; I think living in one's head lends an amount of self centeredness.
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Not for me. Fe is my natural mode of operation. I do it unconsciously most of the time, and usually I'm not aware of it until something rubs Fi the wrong way and I sense something prickly, then I realize, "Oh, that's Fe communication not being received very well" and I adjust my communication method.

It is only stressful when there is more than one force at work -- for example, if I'm having a really good time with the family watching a movie, which is rare nowadays, and my best friend suddenly calls with a problem that needs listening to. I usually feel bad for letting someone down.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Overall it is because it feels like people often have feelings of negativity and I can usually bring them down off of these, but these tends to be some personal cost.

I get my strength from Ti combining with Ni and Se combining with Ni. For some reason Fe is the most draining to me of all the functions.
 

Haven

Blind Guardian
Joined
Apr 26, 2011
Messages
1,075
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
How do you cope when that happens? Or try to prevent it?
I wish I had a good answer for that, I'm not happy with my past coping mechanisms. I'm giving meditation a shot, maybe stopping every once in a while to clear my head and put everything in perspective is a good thing. I can see the appeal of religion and why so many Fe types give themselves to it.
 

Redbone

Orisha
Joined
Apr 27, 2010
Messages
2,882
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I wish I had a good answer for that, I'm not happy with my past coping mechanisms. I'm giving meditation a shot, maybe stopping every once in a while to clear my head and put everything in perspective is a good thing. I can see the appeal of religion and why so many Fe types give themselves to it.

Ah...I see. Meditation and/or religion as an anchor or guiding light kind of thing?
 
G

garbage

Guest
It's not stressful when it doesn't take effort. It's often not worth the effort when it's stressful.

Soo.. from my vantage point, no.


I see my own tendency as kind of a natural 'dual-mindedness.' Often, when I see someone in emotional distress or pain, I just instinctually treat it as if it were my own arm that was pain. I'd want to bandage my own arm. It's not forced at all.

Moreover, aren't our functional preferences supposed to indicate our natural predispositions? That is, the ways that we're naturally inclined to view and orient ourselves in the world? Why would a natural inclination be stressful? (edit: I guess this is what [MENTION=6971]21%[/MENTION] said)

It's akin to asking if Ne is stressful for an Ne-dom/aux because they're forced to make connections between stuff in the outside world, or somesuch.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yeah, I don't really see it as just doing a ton of things I hate because social rules dictate that I have to. I mean, my natural inclination may not be to do certain things, but if I see that it matters a lot to someone or that it is important, it is just one of those things you do. I think there is also a way to find meaning in it, so that it becomes interesting or gratifying to do so. Sometimes you even feel kind of good about it.

Secondly, I don't think Fe is about keeping rules. It's more about being aware of cause and effect. So just because a Fe user is aware of what the other person expects, and what it may mean if one ignores that, it doesn't mean that Fe users don't also consider things like their own personal values, the reasonability of what is being asked, their own schedule and so on.

So no, I don't find it that stressful, because I believe someone is being unreasonable or if what is being expected of me is not realistic for me to deliver, I just won't do it.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
I'm not sure where my Fe is at the moment.

But I do feel silly obligations on a social level and when I worry about them I become angry with myself because on closer inspection the worries stem not from a fear of not helping others, but from worrying about what others would think of me for NOT helping others.

So I end up rejecting it and being very....off putting when it comes to some social conditions. I personally find that exhausting, though whether it is a product of Fe or my own personal approach I cannot say.
 

Julius_Van_Der_Beak

Up the Wolves
Joined
Jul 24, 2008
Messages
19,444
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I probably don't count, but Fe in INTPs is often extremely over-sensitive, which surprises people, I think. The trick I've worked out for dealing with that is just give people the same consideration I expect from them. Works well enough in the majority of cases. (And I think that's a positive use of Fe, to the extent that I am able to use it.)

The rest usually think it's being weak. Which is where the "dark side" of "Fe" comes in. I think when I want to push back because I object to someone's treatment of myself or others, I am in the grip of my inferior function. It definitely seems devilish, but there's a part of me that enjoys it.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Secondly, I don't think Fe is about keeping rules. It's more about being aware of cause and effect. So just because a Fe user is aware of what the other person expects, and what it may mean if one ignores that, it doesn't mean that Fe users don't also consider things like their own personal values, the reasonability of what is being asked, their own schedule and so on.

Yes, this. I don't look at is as "saying/doing something for someone else's sake" so much as I'm always aware of potential consequences, I have to share this planet with other people and so life is easiest for me when I feel like I know how to navigate amongst others without making messes left and right. There's a pretty solid 'me' core underneath it- I can play by someone else's rules and still know who I am at the end of the day. If someone expects something that I can't go along with (because it somehow goes too far against the 'me' grain), then I refuse to go along with it. Sometimes that gets exhausting- the process of discovering another individual's expectations are just too much and figuring out how to draw boundaries.....but the usual Fe business of preemptively getting rid of unwanted consequences is actually ultimately what makes living amongst others less taxing.

I kinda feel like the equivalent question for Pe dom/aux *might* be, "Doesn't it get exhausting to clean up messes made from not being more intentional with one's interaction with the world?" ...I presume the answer would be no, because (theoretically) it isn't as exhausting to Pe dom/aux as it is to Pi dom/aux (introverted perceivers) to focus one's attention outward enough to clean up those messes.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think because I find it difficult to decide when and where to draw boundaries once they are crossed, I probably devote a fair amount of attention to preventing situations where that becomes an issue. Therefore, what may seem kind of judgey to non-Fe users is more of an attempt to draw up a loose set of guidelines for what is reasonable and what is not and then if it is not reasonable, I just don't get involved, and thereby experience considerably less stress. I find that more difficult to do with people whom I'm very close to (feel like my judgement gets more cloudy and my certainty of what is reasonable or unreasonable fuzzes up).

I think one of the reasons why Fe users are always looking for underlying meaning, subtext or the objective of the speaker is that they want to know how they could achieve common ground while still remaining true to the wants and wishes of both parties involved. That is why it is extremely frustrating to me when someone communicates something but insists that there is no outcome that they are hoping for or expecting. It leaves me uncertain as to how to respond.

I generally am less likely to look at a specific course of action as the way to satisfy someone, but more that I need to figure out their underlying expectation and then see if there's a way that can be accommodated without it having to be win/lose. For example, if I'm requested to do something that I don't want to do, but am fairly sure that the underlying reason for the request is X, I might offer a couple of other options to the person to see if those would be acceptable instead. If it is, great. If not, then I weigh the consequences of not doing it with the relationship I have with the person, the behaviour they have shown towards me and others, any moral element involved, my own identity, whether I believe I can deliver what is wanted, whether this is a short term or a long term kind of issue and how strongly I feel about it. Then I make a decision.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I generally am less likely to look at a specific course of action as the way to satisfy someone, but more that I need to figure out their underlying expectation and then see if there's a way that can be accommodated without it having to be win/lose. For example, if I'm requested to do something that I don't want to do, but am fairly sure that the underlying reason for the request is X, I might offer a couple of other options to the person to see if those would be acceptable instead. If it is, great. If not, then I weigh the consequences of not doing it with the relationship I have with the person, the behaviour they have shown towards me and others, any moral element involved, my own identity, whether I believe I can deliver what is wanted, whether this is a short term or a long term kind of issue and how strongly I feel about it. Then I make a decision.

Totally yes. This is exactly why I've said many times that- instead of enumerating a specific list of 'how to behave' to get along with other types, I find it infinitely more helpful to understand the 'why' behind it.....that way I can accommodate someone else's needs while still being wholly myself. I feel like I need to understand that underlying X factor in others to be able to interact smoothly with them- where that X factor is too inconsistent and I can't nail down any underlying needs, it creates a lot of 'white noise' and raises too many red flags for me to be able to function very well. I customize the 'guidelines' I use with individuals based on those underlying X factors- and where I can't nail down some guidelines in my head about how to react with them- that's actually the single most stressful thing to me, because big emotional surprises are totally my achilles' heel.
 

PimpinMcBoltage

New member
Joined
Nov 24, 2012
Messages
155
Enneagram
8
I never found using the perspective of Fe to be a very stressful thing. Although I'm typically a complete asshole whenever I do use that perspective. Such as the fact that I am very pushy over what I seemingly randomly picked up from some culture that I am into on what is something that I dislike and me telling them that they are complete morons for thinking that their own values are better than my own.

I have no idea what that says about me. To give out an example, I tend to trample over MRAs whenever I debate with them on what feminism is. Though my own debating skills are poor.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
5,059
MBTI Type
INtp
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I probably don't count, but Fe in INTPs is often extremely over-sensitive, which surprises people, I think. The trick I've worked out for dealing with that is just give people the same consideration I expect from them. Works well enough in the majority of cases. (And I think that's a positive use of Fe, to the extent that I am able to use it.)

The rest usually think it's being weak. Which is where the "dark side" of "Fe" comes in. I think when I want to push back because I object to someone's treatment of myself or others, I am in the grip of my inferior function. It definitely seems devilish, but there's a part of me that enjoys it.

As a fellow INTP, I would agree with all of this.

I think any inferior function is stressful when you are in the grip of it. I know when I'm in the grip of Fe, I get easily overwhelmed by peoples' feelings and overreact.
 

Julius_Van_Der_Beak

Up the Wolves
Joined
Jul 24, 2008
Messages
19,444
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
As a fellow INTP, I would agree with all of this.

I think any inferior function is stressful when you are in the grip of it. I know when I'm in the grip of Fe, I get easily overwhelmed by peoples' feelings and overreact.

I like your title, by the way.
 

thoughtlost

Honeyed Water
Joined
May 20, 2013
Messages
745
Enneagram
N/A
Fe isn't pleasant for me (I think I am Fe dom/aux).

When I don't get the space I need for like, a month or more, eventually I will withdraw. If it's really intense and I've been unhappy for like a year... I will withdraw for a year and I'll start to be "shy".

I am not actually a shy person; being "go-with-the-flow" and blissfully childlike is my natural state so if anyone wants to chat with me for a while, someone asks me out to lunch or wants me to go to Wal-Mart with them then I will go. Not because it's the "right thing to do and I am trying to understand/help my friends and make people comfortable," but it's more about not really caring what I do as long as everything is peaceful/chill/neutral/comfortable. I consider myself a distant friend because even though I am friendly, I don't expect much from others and I don't feel like I go out of my way to interact with others, but if you come up to me I'll talk about how much I love pancakes xDD

But if things start going sour where there are too many expectations being put on me (in terms of doing well in school, people being a bit too comfortable around me (I am very friendly; I don't have a very good "back off" mode), or if I am realizing that I can't live up to a certain standard), then Fe is evil and I start to compare myself to others (I think I am not as smart or as talented).

I enjoy introverted thinking a lot more. I notice that when I go extreme introvert I can concentrate on my hw and live a more structured life. ...Even though I was anti-extrovert my first two years of college... I miss it because I had more control over doing things I really felt I wanted to do (like sleeping on time and actually doing things I'd like to do... even if that meant watching youtube videos all night or dancing in my room xDD
 

strychnine

All Natural! All Good!
Joined
Jun 23, 2010
Messages
895
Fe is stressful to some degree for ExTP and very much so for IxTP. IxFJs won't find Fe stressful, but being introverts, will find the whole of the interaction stressful. ExFJs shouldn't find Fe stressful at all; if they do, they're probably mistyped. :p
 
Top