I curious about your ideal, when it comes to how you would choose someone presenting their anger to you (when it’s directed at you). I’ve written a bunch of questions- any/all answers are appreciated, even if only one question feels worth answering. FWIW: I’m not going to ask further questions or participate here (unless directly asked to) because I don’t want to inadvertently do what Fe does and invalidate feelings. I really just would like to hear the answers.
How important are these things:
- saying something right away, instead of taking some time to calm down first, even if it means some unnecessarily harsh things and unfair accusations will likely be said.
- waiting until they can have a rational/calm tone.
- waiting until they can present rational/calm content. [Iow: how upsetting is it to be accused of something that you would never do by someone you consider close- even if they keep a calm tone? Or even if it isn’t someone close- is it agitating or does it feel condescending to be ‘accused’ (for lack of a better word) of something that seems petty to you, even with a calm tone….does it feel like someone ‘should know better’ or ‘should have thought about what they’re saying first’?]
- if someone is very angry, would you prefer/would you mind if they went to a 2nd party to discuss it before coming to you, if it would help them get rid of the unnecessarily harsh/unfair content?
- is there anything important (that I missed in above points) about how you’d define a “respectful” approach to having anger presented to you?
- specifically, what sorts of things create ‘white noise’ for you in conflict? Maybe a better way of describing ‘white noise’ (it’s been discussed around here before) would be the feeling of urgency like a baby crying or a dog barking- just an urgent feeling, a distinct distraction that something needs attending to. [I get the feeling having someone say they don’t feel <whatever feeling> when it seems clear to you they do is among this, feel free to set me straight if this doesn’t feel correct.]
And similarly I guess, how hard is it for you to adhere to those^ things yourself? Do you find it difficult to wait to express anger? Do you actually have to put effort into holding back expressing it, or does it take more (maybe even far more) effort to express it?
Finally: in your experience, what is the most difficult part of that process (of expressing it yourself)? [e.g. Nailing down exactly what you’re feeling? Nailing down exactly why you’re feeling it? Finding the words to express it?]