User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 17

  1. #1
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Posts
    3,272

    Default Is "sharing your feelings" better than "troubleshooting"?

    Many of the marital guides certainly think so. As in, women supposedly like to share their feelings, and the man should listen to them in an understanding fashion without trying to fix things away.

    I certainly haven't read any advice to the contrary. Imagine if there were: "woman, do understand that the man finds this sharing of feelings woefully ineffective use of time. A man will really want to fix everything and get on with it. You'd be best adviced to go all along and let your problems be fixed. "

    So, as there's lot of advice of the form A, but none of the form B, the general public certainly thinks more highly of "sharing your feelings" than it does of "troubleshooting".

    I rest my case.

  2. #2
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    MBTI
    JINX
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Posts
    5,757

    Default

    I'd say it's a bit more complicated than that, but people may tend to overcategorize when attempting to verbally break it down.

    Typically either party would be on the same page, just one is focusing more immediately on the emotional impact of the situation, seeking to troubleshoot to resolve such feelings, while the other is immediately troubleshooting to avoid acknowledging their feelings, or to neutralize the emotional impact. I can't say women are necessarily going to always be the more emotional across the board. I've encountered precisely the opposite, many times. I've also seen couples who both react emotionally before troubleshooting- they seem to take longer to collect their thoughts, but if they're emotionally healthy people, they still are capable of coming up with viable solutions, in the end. Also, a logical solution is only applicable when it can actually be executed. If there is emotional discourse, unrest, someone feels overlooked, then that solution sits on a shelf, and isn't particularly useful at all, sometimes.

    Overall, I don't think one is "better" than the other, or more or less effective. Same results via different routes, or expression, imo.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Vilku's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    MBTI
    MBTI
    Enneagram
    0w0
    Posts
    400

    Default

    UHH.. both? i dont think its gender related at all. i guess we all need both of them. having just one would lead to confusion.
    healthiness is all about appreciating other peoples inferior function. its like the sore spot no one ever notices, but we desperately wish they did, and if you focus on doing that, youll have many friends. and also learn to appreciate your own inferior function, others wont find it stupid if you show them how cool it is.

    INTJ 4w3 Sp Sx. (i dont believe in tritype. i do believe in learning traits from others.)

    mistakes happen. expect them, and grow from them. look for them, and avoid them.

  4. #4
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    729 sx/sp
    Socionics
    IEE Ne
    Posts
    5,634

    Default

    In my experience, sharing feelings is a good first step. It helps establish whether there actually is a problem or if there's just been a miscommunication or something. If once all the feelings get hashed out, a remaining problem is identified, then you troubleshoot. This is good because the emotions are dealt with separately, and each person can work to be sensitive to the other's needs and feelings while they come up with a solution.
    You hem me in -- behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,658

    Default

    @Lexicon Precisely.

    Wailing forever aint going to get you anywhere, true, but look at it this way:

    The acknowledgement of those feelings, the feeling validated that someone understands your emotional upheaval, recognizes and empathizes with your situation is in and of itself addressing a problem.

    If, as in your scenario, the man takes 1 minute to let her rant, 10 seconds to validate her state and show understanding, he actually *gives* her what she needs to get into gear. It resolves the problem of those emotions blocking the way to fixing the problem. It isn't time wasted, it is a crucial step in addressing the problem. You can either take 1.10 min to fix said tiny problem and have a partner who can actively help you resolve the situation, or have a) an emotional gap between your partner and you that you'll have to address later or have fester in your relationship + b) a partner who won't be capable of pulling her weight and who will effectively be a burden to you as you attempt to resolve the situation.

    Now which one seems like a more efficient use of time to you?

    Ignoring the problem aint going to make it go away. And just because you feel more adept at addressing a logistical, mental, practical or whatever problem than an emotional, doesn't mean you get to pretend emotional problems are all in someone elses head. They still require addressing. And they will come to bite you in the ass. Not to mention they are so *easy* to address; all you have to do is listen

    Lastly, you think your partner doesnt do the same with you when you go on a rant (like this thread btw), or have a though or get angry at something? It is expressed in a different emotional state, but letting you vent is step 1) in taking productive action toward resolving whatever is causing you said frustration

    In essence...we are listening to you, reading your entire rant and only then offering our angles and perspectives, effectively giving you the information you need to mull things over and resolve this conflict within your head
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  6. #6
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    CRZY
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    3,225

    Default

    Idk. Sometimes you just want to vent over something and other times you are looking for feedback/troubleshooting.

    I guess knowing when which is happening is the key

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  7. #7
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Posts
    3,272

    Default

    Yeah, advice columns wouldn't probably get as many readers if there weren't a little bit of over-simplification and categorization. Probably it's rarely either-or-situation. Even then, I recognize the stress when both parties want things handled their way. I understand the emphatic note in the advice; anyone who has lot of feelings about something is the weaker party and they need more sympathy. Perhaps its this issue that the advice columnists are trying to take care of. I still don't like them for putting one (and in my opinion, the wrong) approach over the other.

  8. #8
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    MBTI
    JINX
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Posts
    5,757

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    Yeah, advice columns wouldn't probably get as many readers if there weren't a little bit of over-simplification and categorization. Probably it's rarely either-or-situation. Even then, I recognize the stress when both parties want things handled their way. I understand the emphatic note in the advice; anyone who has lot of feelings about something is the weaker party and they need more sympathy. Perhaps its this issue that the advice columnists are trying to take care of. I still don't like them for putting one (and in my opinion, the wrong) approach over the other.
    I'm not sure which columns you read (personally I don't read those, ha), but I think, ideally, it's a matter of meeting one another in the middle, somewhere. The more emotionally reactive person trying to be mindful of what they're experiencing (though, I mean, it can't always just shut off like a lightswitch, unfortunately)- trying to be aware of what's happening & being able to clearly communicate that to a receptive partner can go a long way in terms of the more logical person adjusting how s/he approaches the issue, & discusses a solution with the more immediately emotionally overwhelmed person. Those little nuances in how you say things, and just stating it clearly, like "ey I'm anxious right now, I'm having trouble thinking." -they go a long way when you need to get something done together. If that makes sense.


    I've noticed TJ people in particular seem to express similar frustrations, frequently. I've gotta assume it must be that compartmentalized Te maneuvering. It's extremely useful, but only if it's tempered with a reasonable degree of patience & understanding (or at the very least, an effort to understand). The whole core of resolving some problem with a partner is emotionally based; it's because you love one another. It's not just to fix a problem ASAP & move on. You can grow through those experiences, frustrating as they may be. I'll note that ideally the problem would still get solved, just not as "efficiently" as the Te person may prefer. Balance is key.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  9. #9
    Warflower Nijntje's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    CRZY
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    3,225

    Default

    If i'm just having a rant, I'll usually qualify that first, with something like: "it's okay, im not looking for feedback, i just need to rant" and if i need help, i'll generally add "what do you think?"

    you know, to be helpful to both of us.

    Terrible things happen to good people every day.
    Consequentially, I am not one of the good people.
    I am one of the terrible things.
    .



    Conclusion: Dinosaurs


  10. #10
    Society
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    Many of the marital guides certainly think so. As in, women supposedly like to share their feelings, and the man should listen to them in an understanding fashion without trying to fix things away.


    I certainly haven't read any advice to the contrary. Imagine if there were: "woman, do understand that the man finds this sharing of feelings woefully ineffective use of time. A man will really want to fix everything and get on with it. You'd be best adviced to go all along and let your problems be fixed. "


    So, as there's lot of advice of the form A, but none of the form B, the general public certainly thinks more highly of "sharing your feelings" than it does of "troubleshooting".


    I rest my case.


    meh. in light of the MBTI, it seems that a lot of those guides go by "women are from ESFJlandia men are from ISTPisles" sort of thing, with the rare switching of the P/J...

    but i get what you are saying - and you aren't completely off.. neither are the martial guides wrong for doing so - maybe unfair but practically speaking it's not wrong: assuming the goal of martial guides and marriage counseling is to save the marriage, then if the statistics are correct and 70% of initiators of divorce are women (though other sources range from 66% to 80% - not sure which are more accurate but the consensus is on females being an overwhelming majority), then it's reasonable to conclude that the marriage is more likely to be saved if the woman is less likely to initiate a divorce.

Similar Threads

  1. [NF] Quote Thread: Express your feelings or thoughts with a quote
    By Sparrow in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 412
    Last Post: 12-03-2017, 12:20 AM
  2. is false hope better than no hope?
    By miss fortune in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 104
    Last Post: 03-31-2015, 01:37 PM
  3. [Fi] INFP/ENFP: Do you feel "safe" to openly & freely share your thoughts about Fi here?
    By PeaceBaby in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 367
    Last Post: 12-14-2010, 12:24 PM
  4. This place is better than MBTIc
    By Athenian200 in forum The Fluff Zone
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 06-09-2008, 02:15 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO