How confrontational are you, NFs?

[Honor]

I'm very non-confrontational on the whole, but have occasional periods of anxiety when I react to perceived attacks and threats with disproportionate paranoia and force.

 

[Chiharu]

I hold a lot in, but if I'm tired or you've badly insulted one of my cherished values HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!

 

[Eric B]

It depends on how mad I am and at whom. I have to really be pushed to get really angry, but if I have an actual problem with someone I tell them as soon as possible, and I try to be direct and civil about it. I don't like conflict, but I don't mind honest discussion at all. I don't even mind things getting a little heated. I just don't like the threat of people overreacting. I do have a little trouble knowing whether things actually bother me or if I am just being annoyed for no good reason, and so it usually takes me some time thinking about an incident and talking to other people to decide it was in fact inappropriate- and then I tell them about it (if I'm not immediately angry). So that could be construed as passive aggressive, but it really isn't.

I tend to view conflict as a problem to be solved, so from my perspective it isn't something to get emotional about- but I project all kinds of things onto other people and just expect them to overreact- so that's why it scares me. I get emotional when I feel the other person is not willing to solve the problem.

My ENFP sister seems to not have a problem being assertive.

*disclaimer: I may not be NF.*

I see you're still going back and forth, as you've since put an NT type back.
Well, you sound a lot like me, and it's not from NF.

Conflict behavior is shaped by both temperament and Interaction Style. But in slightly different ways. Both (patterned after classic temperament) can be defined in terms of "expressiveness" and "responsiveness". Conflict will be more heated with high expressiveness and/or low responsiveness. The classic temperament that fits both poles is the Choleric.
Now, Keirsey said the NF was the Choleric based simply on them being "emotional". But when I saw that it was a very peace-loving, conflict avoidant temperament, I knew something was wrong with that.

I eventually figured that "expressiveness" in his theory is represented by cooperative/pragmatic, and responsiveness is in a dimension Berens added to his theory; structure/motive. NF is cooperative (reserved) and motive-focused ("responsive" or people-focused). This combination (basically, more passive, and yielding to others) will be very conflict avoidant. However, in my matching it to a new addition to classic temperament, called Supine, that temperament is described as needing affirmation, and when not getting it, they feel used, and may react, possibly violently. This (a more reactive role in conflict) fits what people are saying here. (NF could also be Phlegmatic, which will be less passive and yielding, and more stubborn when pushed, but otherwise is more "diplomatic", which is the "skills set" Keirsey matched NF to).

Then, there's Interaction Style, which will affect this as well, particularly in terms of how quick a person is to react (despite the Keirseyan or "conative" temperament). Extroverts (expressive) will have quick, often hot reactions. Directive/informative, as the "responsiveness" factor, will determine how long they hold onto it, based on whether they are people or task focused in that area. Get Things Going (Sanguine) will have a hot temper, but will blow over it quicker. In Charge (Choleric) already has a tighter criteria for responding to others so may hold a conflict against others for longer.
The introverted counterparts to these will simply be slower to react, however, the responsiveness effect will be the same.

So an INFJ, for instance, will be reserved in both areas (social, conative), and task focused socially, yet people focused conatively. They will be slow to conflict, but if you really step on their toes too much in the area of direct interaction, they can be nasty, and won't care. (Hence, the infamous "door slam"). They don't need you in particular, on a social level; they only need a few they already care about (to wit, [MENTION=5159]Lexicon[/MENTION]'s statement, end of first quoting response, post 26).
ENFP will have a hot temper, but otherwise, people-focused in both areas, as well as reserved in the conative area. so they may look quick in conflict (I see one who says they thrive on it), but really don't hold onto it.

I on the other hand (and likely Greenfairy) are Supine ("Behind the Scenes") in the social area (which makes us seem like Feelers, a bit), so I'm also conflict avoidant on a direct social interaction level, but love a good debate, especially if it's something I'm already annoyed about (like politics). Then, with the "pragmatism" of the conative temperament, I can even become aggressive, and the structure focus makes me not want to yield to anything that doesn't fit an abstract structure (idea, etc) of my own choosing.

So NTP and NFJ will a have a similar mix of conflict avoidance (as well as any E/I in different type groups).

 

[greenfairy]

Thanks [MENTION=3521]Eric B[/MENTION]! Good information. Also I think it's useful to contrast NF with NT.

 

[Lexicon]

So an INFJ, for instance, will be reserved in both areas (social, conative), and task focused socially, yet people focused conatively. They will be slow to conflict, but if you really step on their toes too much in the area of direct interaction, they can be nasty, and won't care. (Hence, the infamous "door slam"). They don't need you in particular, on a social level; they only need a few they already care about (to wit, [MENTION=5159]Lexicon[/MENTION]'s statement, end of first quoting response, post 26).

I should clarify that I don't go out of my way to cause anyone emotional distress. I have no reason to be "nasty" toward anyone- it doesn't solve anything. If someone is upset with me for whatever reason, I do what I can to neutralize the situation. I do care on some basic human level if another person (who I might not even know) feels slighted by me in some way. However, when/if it becomes clear communication is not possible or has broken down, I back off and don't dwell on it, as I see doing so to be an exercise in futility. On the whole, I may be less apt to be more patient/give more time for strangers, but I will at least put some effort into making things right.

I've done the doorslam thing about twice in my life (once from a delusional stalker, the other on a former friend who became emotionally abusive/obsessive)- it pained me initially to resort to that, but it was to protect myself. Overall, I'm ok with that. Indifference isn't necessarily the same as malevolence (ie nastiness), but perhaps this is a simple semantic difference here. I have seen/heard of other NF's who are more apt to lash out with their feelings in the moment to intentionally inflict pain on someone after feeling like they're "pushed" to a certain point. I grew up around extremes of that (from a non NF), & can't bring myself to behave that way (I mentioned reacting to physical violence with gratuitous physical violence in my youth as a regrettable experience as well). I'm responsible for my own feelings, even if someone has wronged me; the choices I make based on my internal responses are mine alone. I have a steady self-monitor running in the background, & it keeps that kind of thing in-check. Poisoning other people's lives with my reactions is the last thing I'd want to do.

/end rambling

 

[OrangeAppled]

so I'm also conflict avoidant on a direct social interaction level, but love a good debate, especially if it's something I'm already annoyed about (like politics). Then, with the "pragmatism" of the conative temperament, I can even become aggressive, and the structure focus makes me not want to yield to anything that doesn't fit an abstract structure (idea, etc) of my own choosing.

I relate to this actually. That's kind of what I was getting at - avoiding interpersonal drama stuff, but being called argumentative in a discussion I see as intellectual, not personal. When sometimes becomes personal, that's when I get sensitive & back-off.

I have the hot temper thing sometimes though, often in response to some Fi violation or sort of being prickly to maintain boundaries when people get too close to crossing them (I call it "fair warning"), but that may be as related to my family background (sort of stereotypically feisty Latin women) or perhaps being e4.

 

[violaine]

I don't seek it out. But if someone messes with me, and it's clear that they are, I will absolutely level that person. Exceptions for those who are mentally unwell. I will never let someone walk on me or mine.

 

[Eric B]

I should clarify that I don't go out of my way to cause anyone emotional distress. I have no reason to be "nasty" toward anyone- it doesn't solve anything. If someone is upset with me for whatever reason, I do what I can to neutralize the situation. I do care on some basic human level if another person (who I might not even know) feels slighted by me in some way. However, when/if it becomes clear communication is not possible or has broken down, I back off and don't dwell on it, as I see doing so to be an exercise in futility. On the whole, I may be less apt to be more patient/give more time for strangers, but I will at least put some effort into making things right.

I've done the doorslam thing about twice in my life (once from a delusional stalker, the other on a former friend who became emotionally abusive/obsessive)- it pained me initially to resort to that, but it was to protect myself. Overall, I'm ok with that. Indifference isn't necessarily the same as malevolence (ie nastiness), but perhaps this is a simple semantic difference here. I have seen/heard of other NF's who are more apt to lash out with their feelings in the moment to intentionally inflict pain on someone after feeling like they're "pushed" to a certain point. I grew up around extremes of that (from a non NF), & can't bring myself to behave that way (I mentioned reacting to physical violence with gratuitous physical violence in my youth as a regrettable experience as well). I'm responsible for my own feelings, even if someone has wronged me; the choices I make based on my internal responses are mine alone. I have a steady self-monitor running in the background, & it keeps that kind of thing in-check. Poisoning other people's lives with my reactions is the last thing I'd want to do.

Perhaps "cutting" would be a better term instead of "nasty" (which is how I myself interpret an angry "directive" type). But yes, as both introverted, cooperative, and motive focused, you're not likely going to go out of your way to hurt anyone, and even the door slam is described as painful to the one doing it.

I relate to this actually. That's kind of what I was getting at - avoiding interpersonal drama stuff, but being called argumentative in a discussion I see as intellectual, not personal. When sometimes becomes personal, that's when I get sensitive & back-off.

I have the hot temper thing sometimes though, often in response to some Fi violation or sort of being prickly to maintain boundaries when people get too close to crossing them (I call it "fair warning"), but that may be as related to my family background (sort of stereotypically feisty Latin women) or perhaps being e4.

You were Phlegmatic, so you're actually "in-between" in temperament; evidenced by once thinking you were on the T side. (So it's the flipside of Supine INTP's seeming like F's. Phlegmatic INFP's will seem like T's, and have less of those passive and yielding tendencies.
Would your "fair warning" include dry/wry sarcastic humor?

(I didn't know you were Latin. Meaning Hispanic, right?)

 

[Honor]

I don't seek it out. But if someone messes with me, and it's clear that they are, I will absolutely level that person. Exceptions for those who are mentally unwell. I will never let someone walk on me or mine.

What type are you, out of curiosity?

 

[OrangeAppled]

You were Phlegmatic, so you're actually "in-between" in temperament; evidenced by once thinking you were on the T side. (So it's the flipside of Supine INTP's seeming like F's. Phlegmatic INFP's will seem like T's, and have less of those passive and yielding tendencies.
Would your "fair warning" include dry/wry sarcastic humor?

(I didn't know you were Latin. Meaning Hispanic, right?)

I don't identify with Phlegmatic, no. I test as Melancholy anyway. I'm e4. The passive, yielding INFP is generally e9. I never identified as T, just test that way.

No, I don't use humor. I get prickly & snappy. I don't raise my voice or say anything mean, just kind of a cool, warning comment. Something like, "Don't push me".

Mostly Spanish & some Italian (my mom's side, which raised me). I don't call myself "Hispanic" because that usually is Latin American, which I am not.

My uncle is an INTP e5 & even he is still rather emo (for someone with his other general traits), because it's just a "normal" way of communicating. I suppose there is a lot of hyperbole. Compared to the other women in my family, I am not as emotional or dramatic, but still temperamental. My step-dad is a chilled out ISFP e9 from an island culture & we look "violent" to him. He thinks we're arguing when just excited in a good way.

 

[Standuble]

I am confrontational if the situation requires it and if I believe the problem will not be resolved without my action. Most problems either strike me as a) not worth my time or b) non-resolvable with my skill set e.g. I would make them worse.

The above usually does not apply if I'm in the mood to troll someone or something. My prey will sleep with the fish...providing I can be bothered to go all the way and my Fi does not judge the trolling as a violation of myself.

 

[HongDou]

The above usually does not apply if I'm in the mood to troll someone or something. My prey will sleep with the fish...providing I can be bothered to go all the way and my Fi does not judge the trolling as a violation of myself.

Fi can be such a pain when trolling sometimes.

 

[Standuble]

Fi can be such a pain when trolling sometimes.

Indeed. When you have them under your heel and you suddenly feel bad about doing it.

 

[Elfboy]

ENFPs with strong Te can be an extremely confrontational type.

as for me
there is a lot of frustration and anger pent up inside me (particularly in my teens, I've mellowed out a bit ) but I do my best to handle it maturely and keep that shit to myself. if there is a problem, it's usually an issue of communication, so I typically give the other person the benefit of the doubt and try not to jump to conclusions.
....however, there are offenses that simply must be punished. if you threaten my friends, inflict physical pain on me, steal from me or attempt to manipulate me....DIE BITCH!!!

[MENTION=4939]kyuuei[/MENTION]
enjoying conflict is perfectly natural
[MENTION=16139]Honor[/MENTION]
your ENFP friends are likely 9 fixed. ENFPs with 1 or 8 fixes are a little more

 

[Honor]

ENFPs with strong Te can be an extremely confrontational type.

as for me
there is a lot of frustration and anger pent up inside me (particularly in my teens, I've mellowed out a bit ) but I do my best to handle it maturely and keep that shit to myself. if there is a problem, it's usually an issue of communication, so I typically give the other person the benefit of the doubt and try not to jump to conclusions.
....however, there are offenses that simply must be punished. if you threaten my friends, inflict physical pain on me, steal from me or attempt to manipulate me....DIE BITCH!!!

[MENTION=4939]kyuuei[/MENTION]
enjoying conflict is perfectly natural
[MENTION=16139]Honor[/MENTION]
your ENFP friends are likely 9 fixed. ENFPs with 1 or 8 fixes are a little more

Maybe so!

 

[Eric B]

I don't identify with Phlegmatic, no. I test as Melancholy anyway. I'm e4. The passive, yielding INFP is generally e9. I never identified as T, just test that way.

Oh, I thought you did say you were Phlegmatic before. If you test as different things than what you are, and Phlegmatic being such an inbetween temperament, you still could possibly be one, at least in part.

No, I don't use humor. I get prickly & snappy. I don't raise my voice or say anything mean, just kind of a cool, warning comment. Something like, "Don't push me".

This does sound more Melancholy, though. However, Melancholy is otherwise a directive temperament, while INFP is informing.

Mostly Spanish & some Italian (my mom's side, which raised me). I don't call myself "Hispanic" because that usually is Latin American, which I am not

OK, European Spanish, or Spaniard, then. We usually call that “Castillian”. (Yes, most people around here who are Spanish are Latin American, and that's who we usually refer to as “Latin”)

 

[violaine]

What type are you, out of curiosity?

INFJ.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Oh, I thought you did say you were Phlegmatic before. If you test as different things than what you are, and Phlegmatic being such an inbetween temperament, you still could possibly be one, at least in part.
This does sound more Melancholy, though. However, Melancholy is otherwise a directive temperament, while INFP is informing.

I am informative in most things, especially positive things. I tend to state a need, not make a direct request, unless it's something negative. If I perceive some violation or an impending one, then I can get blunt & direct & a bit mean. I consider this inferior Te related.

OK, European Spanish, or Spaniard, then. We usually call that “Castillian”. (Yes, most people around here who are Spanish are Latin American, and that's who we usually refer to as “Latin”)

Where are you from? In California no one would know what Castillian means. Most Hispanics are Mexican around here & they consider me white, which is why I generally don't use that term for myself (not offended if others call me that though). If I say Spanish then some people get mad, thinking I'm a white Mexican who is trying to be "better" than the brown Mexicans. Touchy business, this ethic categorizing...

 

[Eric B]

I'm from NYC, where most Hispanics are Puerto Rican (And then, there's Cubans and Dominicans). My father (who had visited Europe ) is the one I got the term "Castillian" from. I guess perhaps that could refer to one part of Spain, but he seemed to use it for all European Spaniards.

 

[Raffaella]

Conflict-avoidant, usually.

However, in times of heat or stress, I don't hold back.