I have noticed a tendency in my NF friends...especially my INFJ and ENFP friends to avoid conflict like it's the devil. I'm really curious as to which NFs are the most conflict-averse and which ones aren't so shy to engage. So, if you're in a mood to share, NFs, are you conflict-avoidant?
I'm conflict-avoidant in that I generally take measures to try to keep them from happening, by addressing the situation before it comes to a head.It's natural for people to end up stepping on one another's toes some time or another.
"Conflict" doesn't have to = "fight."
I dislike when people I care for are upset with me, it's obviously uncomfortable & not something I get pleasure from or consciously intend to cause. Communication is key, even if it's uncomfortable. And even if it isn't well-received. At least I tried. I can't just brush shit under the rug and pretend everything's fine, when it's not. Unless I don't give a damn about the person, in which case, everything
is fine, because I don't give a damn about them/don't let them affect me.
Will you tell someone if they're upsetting you or you want their behavior to change?
Yes. see above.
I won't tell them outright to change, but I will evaluate the situation with them in a neutral setting, and express how X makes me feel, and be receptive to their feedback/feelings on this. If they actually care about me, and it's something within reason, all they need is to have it brought to their attention to adjust, because they'd want to. And I'd want to do the same for them. It's also constructive in that I might be shown that I misunderstood something, which gives me an opportunity to learn from it.
How do you react when someone picks a fight with you?
I don't get emotionally close to (or I distance myself from) people who resort to 'picking fights.' I find that behavior toxic. It's problem-oriented behavior vs. solution-oriented. I make efforts to address that pattern with them, because some people genuinely don't know how to otherwise get their feelings out. If I can help them with that, cool. If not, then off I go. Some people get a rush out of a fight, and think it's a good place to release stress. I'm not into using people as my emotional punching bag/trashcan, so I'm not receptive to this dynamic at all.
When it's unavoidable- I don't back down or pacify (unless I am extremely sick/exhausted, they're nearby, & I physically need to be left alone/permitted to sleep, etc). I don't get aggravated, either, though. I stay a bit detached (getting upset just impairs your judgement), and observe their behavior. I carefully respond to any questions/complaints they might pose in a rational, respectful way (clarify or make an apology here if I've done something to warrant that), & suggest solutions/ask them to do so as well. This can sometimes make someone more irate, but I refuse to respond in a strong emotional way, because people who 'pick fights' are often indirectly demanding that from me. They're fighting just for its own sake. Part of them tends to want the explosion, so they feel validated/vindicated
(not speaking in absolutes, here- just summing up what I often encounter). The last thing I want is to feed emotionally parasitic behavior, whether they're aware of it or not. If they're unwilling/unable to calm down, I inform them that I am removing myself from the discussion, because there's no point in continuing until they're calm. And then I do so. I do clarify that their thoughts matter to me- that I genuinely do care that X is bothering them- but I won't talk unless they are able to be civil.
If it's a physical altercation, I restrain them if I can, & distance myself asap. I don't get mad, though. Too taxing/won't quiet things. I just sort of.. deal with them like a child throwing a tantrum. Most of the time, successfully restraining the person snaps them out of their rage. If I can't restrain them, I don't hesitate to push/strike back until removing myself from their proximity is possible. I've been pretty pissed off when the latter has occurred before, and when it happened with a guy when I was younger, I did hit him one extra time for good measure, strictly out of anger. Not something I'm proud of. I also spit on an old biker guy once, 10yrs ago, when he was repeatedly trying to pick fights with my friends. (we were downtown to see fireworks). He was drunk/high or something.. his gf kept trying to pull him away, & he backhanded her. I just saw red. Called him a shitbag. Spit on him- then he tried to hit me, my friends pulled him away, & I kicked him pretty hard, saying "how the fuck do you like it?" Also not a morally righteous moment, & not anything I would ever do again. I also used to jump into fights when my friend was ambushed by several guys at once. Mostly just hitting/trying to pull them off him, though. I'd do that for anyone I care about without a second thought. I couldn't just watch someone get beaten up in real-time without trying to do something to end it.
Typically I only would respond physically until the person was no longer actively trying to harm me.
Overkill makes me no stronger than them. It's a disgusting weakness to me, to strike out of anger. Feelings alone never excuse/condone an individual's choice to launch a physical or psychological assault on another human being. Hitting back, with words or fists, only perpetuates more vile behavior, and unhappiness/stress. In most cases, there are plenty of alternatives: to either positively assert yourself, encourage healthy behavior, foster mutual growth.. or just walk away from a conflict.
I'm also confrontational when something I deeply believe in is violated or when something I'm passionate about is taken lightly.
