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  1. #11
    Epiphany
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    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    :P I'm a girl, so I tend not to be involved in those conflicts anyway.
    The perks of being a female. Jk I know women deal with a lot of cattiness and passive aggression from other women.

    Out of curiosity, what NF type do you lean toward? Unless it's a secret.

    Edit: nvm. I see ENFJ on your profile.

  2. #12
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moniker View Post
    The perks of being a female. Jk I know women deal with a lot of cattiness and passive aggression from other women.

    Out of curiosity, what NF type do you lean toward? Unless it's a secret.
    Truth! Ahhh, you're a wise man. It's not a secret! Well, I think I'm ENFJ but there are a few people who think I'm ENFP. I'll throw that out there in the off-chance that they're correct.

    + Yup, I added it in case curiosity got the best of anyone else

  3. #13
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    I'm not confrontational, but I'm assertive in a pretty gentle way. I hate for tension to go unacknowledged. Unless the other person is so abrasive/defensive/clueless that bringing up the issue would be counterproductive, I usually try to address it.

  4. #14
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by decrescendo View Post
    I'm not confrontational, but I'm assertive in a pretty gentle way. I hate for tension to go unacknowledged. Unless the other person is so abrasive/defensive/clueless that bringing up the issue would be counterproductive, I usually try to address it.
    Hmm, interesting. But what if you tried to bring something up gently and the other party ignored you? Or do you find that usually doesn't happen?

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    Hmm, interesting. But what if you tried to bring something up gently and the other party ignored you? Or do you find that usually doesn't happen?
    Try again more firmly, let them know that I'm upset. And I try to remember that some people will be defensive initially, but take time to think it over later, so sometimes I'll just let it go for a while.

  6. #16
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Honor View Post
    Makes a lot of sense! And the intimacy of the parent-child relationship probably makes it much more easy to raise concerns with them than it would be to confront anyone else and get a good result.
    I don't know. I don't feel like it's a super-intimate relationship beyond the loyalty of family and the forced intimacy of living in close quarters. I feel as though I have an obligation not to use my place of privilege to extract emotional succor from my children. In terms of behavior modification, I was and am more comfortable using blatant coercion than emotional leverage. I always made it a point to explain things and allow the expression of opinions as long as it wasn't disrespectful (by my semi-lenient standards) but ultimately they don't have a lot of choice about certain things because they are the kids and we are the parents. We can make good things happen for them and we can make bad things happen for them. If they want good things instead of bad things, they have to show an acceptable level of compliance.

    IOW, it's my job to be the bad guy and I'm not going to shirk that responsibility just because it isn't pleasant.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  7. #17
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Mostly conflict avoidant, and I think it can have more to do with being an N-dom than because of Feeling.

    I view subjective systems from multiple perspectives which is an appropriate way to process that sort of information. When there is conflict there are two or more systems colliding. I have enough detachment to know that just because I view the conflict from my own perspective, that doesn't mean I am right. I have a deep lack of certitude and conflict exposes this. I can respond to conflict, but it takes a long time to process it.

    The Feeling aspect adds to this underpinning a propensity towards empathy, so not only are other perspectives intellectualized, but also experienced in some cases. In a similar way that internal confusion and cognitive dissonance is unsettling, external conflict is another manifestation of this. When I view conflict between two external parties it can also be upsetting because it is difficult to differentiate between their experience and my own. From a philosophical standpoint there isn't any difference.

    If I have time to calibrate to someone's communication style, then I can be tolerant of quite rough communication style, but still won't tend to engage in conflict unless I have time to think about it beforehand. Occasionally I have explored conflict out of curiosity to learn about reactions. In those cases I will tend to mirror back what a person has shown me just to see how they react when faced with the same communication style. It can reveal a lot about their underlying meaning.

    Another reason I dislike conflict is because it is typically based on misperception, and if it directly involves me, then it accentuates my sense of existential isolation, my sense that one cannot ever truly know or be known. That is contrasted with such a deep desire inside me for those very same two states - to know and be known.
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  8. #18
    philosopher wood nymph greenfairy's Avatar
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    It depends on how mad I am and at whom. I have to really be pushed to get really angry, but if I have an actual problem with someone I tell them as soon as possible, and I try to be direct and civil about it. I don't like conflict, but I don't mind honest discussion at all. I don't even mind things getting a little heated. I just don't like the threat of people overreacting. I do have a little trouble knowing whether things actually bother me or if I am just being annoyed for no good reason, and so it usually takes me some time thinking about an incident and talking to other people to decide it was in fact inappropriate- and then I tell them about it (if I'm not immediately angry). So that could be construed as passive aggressive, but it really isn't.

    I tend to view conflict as a problem to be solved, so from my perspective it isn't something to get emotional about- but I project all kinds of things onto other people and just expect them to overreact- so that's why it scares me. I get emotional when I feel the other person is not willing to solve the problem.

    My ENFP sister seems to not have a problem being assertive.

    *disclaimer: I may not be NF.*

  9. #19
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I don't like conflict. If I can avoid it, I do. but I don't mind it either.. especially if a little conflict will avoid a lot later on.

    I do struggle with it.. I don't like being perceived as anything but pretty carefree and easy-going, because that's who I feel I am.. but even that sort of personality requires serious talks and stuff.

    To give a more concrete example: Even though I had no trouble telling a strange dude off that was trying to hit on me a little too hard at a pub, I was really hesitant to talk about how I felt to someone I cared about because the potential for the conversation to have things I didn't want to hear was there. He said something that hurt my feelings, but I wasn't sure how he meant it exactly. I knew I ought to talk it over with him and clear it all up, but the idea of that was scary. It made me really anxious.. in the end, I did, but only after I'd cleared my head, ensured I knew exactly how I wanted to say what I was going to say, and had evaluated the situation so that I knew potential angles that would be thrown my way. (The conversation went well, btw.)

    I really like to hear exactly what is on other people's minds.. but telling others what is on mine is a really hard thing for me because the way people see me really matters to me more than my thoughts. The way people see me immediately affects me. My thoughts can stew and be analyzed for a while. And, while I know that I won't judge others immediately for the things they say, I really don't trust others to give me that same courtesy back. I don't assume people do things the way I do, even though sometimes it is safe to do so. It helps me keep some form of control of my environment.
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  10. #20
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Mostly conflict avoidant, and I think it can have more to do with being an N-dom than because of Feeling.

    I view subjective systems from multiple perspectives which is an appropriate way to process that sort of information. When there is conflict there are two or more systems colliding. I have enough detachment to know that just because I view the conflict from my own perspective, that doesn't mean I am right. I have a deep lack of certitude and conflict exposes this. I can respond to conflict, but it takes a long time to process it.

    The Feeling aspect adds to this underpinning a propensity towards empathy, so not only are other perspectives intellectualized, but also experienced in some cases. In a similar way that internal confusion and cognitive dissonance is unsettling, external conflict is another manifestation of this. When I view conflict between two external parties it can also be upsetting because it is difficult to differentiate between their experience and my own. From a philosophical standpoint there isn't any difference.

    If I have time to calibrate to someone's communication style, then I can be tolerant of quite rough communication style, but still won't tend to engage in conflict unless I have time to think about it beforehand. Occasionally I have explored conflict out of curiosity to learn about reactions. In those cases I will tend to mirror back what a person has shown me just to see how they react when faced with the same communication style. It can reveal a lot about their underlying meaning.

    Another reason I dislike conflict is because it is typically based on misperception, and if it directly involves me, then it accentuates my sense of existential isolation, my sense that one cannot ever truly know or be known. That is contrasted with such a deep desire inside me for those very same two states - to know and be known.
    I agree with your points, possibly because they are similar to my own.

    However what happens when the confrontation is physical? You don't even have to have any prior experience with the individual, they could be a drunken idiot, or a mugger. In that situation is there is a misconception on your part for reacting to say..a fist in the face, or is that other person clearly in the general wrong?

    I do see there being generally accepted ideas in terms of harm to ones own person and defending yourself from that. However having said all this, I will admit that I myself can be quite confrontational. Although this largely depends upon if I can introduce a different perspective to that individual, not one of being right, just one of "have you considered xxxx?".

    Most of the time I can deduce whether or not this would actually be a productive endeavour based upon my knowledge of that individual. Being certain about your positions can definitely be of a great advantage in life and I wouldn't disregard it completely, but I can't bring myself to give up variable perspectives just for a bit of assertive confidence.

    Most conflicts are petty anyhow.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

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